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Money and inlaws...
Long story short about my in-law relations. My ILS (father/mother) hate me, for their preceived slights and attacks against them and supposed lies. DH and I are so fed up with their crap that we aren't on speaking terms with them. MIL told some awful lies to DH maternal grandparents and they now hate me too. DH told his grandparents that we don't want them involved in problems with his parents and that they need to stop blaming me. They absolutely refuse to accept this so, we aren't speaking terms with them either. That's the short story. I'm not saying I'm innocent here-but M/FIL have hated me since before DH&I were engaged-to the extent that they told him they expect grandkids and he needed to find a new gf because I don't want kids. Long story, made short.
DH maternal grandparents opened an investment account for him for his 18th bday/graduation present (as DH has explained this to me) and he can use that money to buy a house a someday or save it up for retirement etc. DH&I have been talking about buying a house for a little over 6mo. We talked with our bank (offering the best fixed interest rate) and they won't pre-approve us until the money is in a FDIC account. We are planning on using the money from the investment account as our downpayment. We looked into this investment account and discovered that DH should be getting a bunch of different paperwork (statements etc) throughout the year and he doesn't get hardly any of it. (he gets a statement twice a year-that his grandparents give him). Also when he goes to sell his shares the check will be made out to him and his grandmother. No way around that because she listed herself on the account.
Not being on speaking terms really sucks. We've been talking about selling his shares for about a month or so now, but haven't brought it up with his grandparents because the money isn't what's most important to us-the relationship with them is. But, since they have removed themselves from our life we seem to be a little stuck. Want to sell shares and buy a house, but need his grandmothers signature. We've talked about starting from scratch and saving up money that doesn't have strings attached-but that could take us a few years. Any advice on how to deal with this??
Re: Money and inlaws...
If you don't want to talk to them, you don't get to accept their money.
Why not reach out to them occassionally to share what's been new with you and ask how they are...and then mention you want to buy a house as soon as you have a down payment...see if they offer the money
The grandparents believe that the poster is a horrible person. They also believe that she has convinced her husband not to have children, thus giving them no great-grandchildren. If OP and her husband pop up in their lives again, making chit-chat and then saying "Hey we want to buy a house!" (hint hint) OP will be labelled a gold-digger.
OP, I would consider the money gone with the wind. If the family doesn't really like you, they aren't going to give you guys money for a house, because they figure you will get half of it in the divorce they are desperately hoping for. They are figuring to wait you out and they will give it to him and his second wife.
Screw them. Get the house on your own.
Well aren't they the primadonnas??? I hope he told them it's not up to them on whether or not he has kids and they can "expect" all they want; and learn to deal with disappointment. Your H IS cool with you not wanting kids, right?
BTW I know this isn't the gist of your post but that comment just really stood out to me.
Do you and your husband have all the information on the terms and agreements on this account? Both his name and his grandmother's name is on this account? Is it set up to be turned over to him at a certain point in time? Or is this an account that belongs to the grandmother and she decides who and when she "gives" the money to?
If it was an account set up for him as a gift, it seems completely reasonable that he submits whatever forms are required to his grandmother for signature to move the funds to a FDIC account. But again, that depends on the conditions of the account.
Worst case scenario, you leave it where it is and he inherits it when she passes?
From an emotional point of view, I agree with what's been posted, it might not be worth pursuing at this point in time.
You know, I'd LOVE to hear your ILs and grandparents' version of the story.
But, I agree with the rest. Your DH can certainly approach grandma and say, "hey, I'm thinking of buying a house, so is that account you opened still intended for that use?" I wouldn't be suprised though that access to the account would indeed come with strings attached, which is a pain in the neck for any marriage.
So, start saving money for yourself. If you ever get access to the money, great! If not, at least you're prepared.
Get in contact with the account manager in charge of the account. Find out of the money is jointly owned, a "gift to minors" account that your H needs to prove he is old enough to assume, etc. You don't need to speak with the grandparents to do this, just speak to the account manager.
If the money is HIS, find out how he can transfer the money into a different account in his name only. If the money is jointly owned, find out what he can do without the co-owner. Does he need a signature to move money? Does grandma need a signature to move money? Can he have statements mailed to his address?
If he can't do anything without grandma's approval, then I would start saving on your own. Let's be honest....his grandma won't be around forever. If she can't take his name off the fund, when she passes the account will be all his. That might be in time for his retirement, but at least dh will eventually get his $$.
Since they're pretending you guys don't exist, you'll have to pretend the money doesn't exist.
Having said that, if I were you I'd make my best effort to "kill them with kindness"! Keep in touch by sending them cards for holidays, occasionally leaving messages to ask how they're doing, and be nothing but your nicest, sweetest, darling self to them. Because it will make them all feel like a-holes and your conscience will be clean as a whistle. My prediction is that they'll start to think you're not so bad & they'll come around eventually.
Save for the house yourself.
I can't imagine telling a boyfriend's parents my thoughts about future children, nor would I have gotten married to a man whose parents had always hated me if I desired a relationship with my in-laws.
@festivegal2008: They certainly are. I'm sure they want the best for DH, but they aren't doing well with the execution here. DH and I actually do plan on having kids. When we were dating neither of us had any desire to have kids, we had the same idea: if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't. When we started talking about getting married we dug deeper into that to make sure we were on the same page. He doesn't want a lot of kids, and I don't want to raise an only child-we settled on two.
Everyone else: We decided that I would write a blog about our first year of married life and we'd put it on our FB accounts. His mom can read it if she likes and she can share it with her parents if she likes. We don't want his family to feel like we are forcing our relationship down their throats-so this way there is the option to know about our life or not. I have maintained a level of card giving in my life that won't change just because we're married, though his family doesn't send birthday/christmas/anniversary cards so I'm not sure how that will be received. Remember I gave the short version that doesn't involve the extra emotional crap that his family is attaching to all of this. He works pretty hard to set a line for what in our relationship we share with people and what in our relationship is just for us. We were much more forceful with my family than his (they had their own things going on and we thought it might be a bit much for them) but now, he feels like it's time to set things straight.
The account is in both his and his grandmother's name. It's a joint account not a custodial account or anything like that. We did call the fund manager who said he'd have to look into what we could do, but he's pretty sure that grandmother would have to sign. We'll just have to save up the money ourselves. In the mean time, we're happy so I guess it could be worse.