Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: desperately not trying not to take it personally...
Yeah.... great.
I'm w/ Sue_sue. I really don't understand why you jumped through hoops to get him on the deed. I would have said "O.k. - we'll find someone else to do the work!".
now he knows he can treat you however he wants and nothing will come of it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Which lender are you talking about? The bank who owned the home (since it was a foreclosed property, you were purchasing it from a bank instead of a private seller) or the lender you received financing from? Or were they the same?
Banks have very stringent requirements these days in terms of financing homes. Your husband's unemployment status could very well have gotten you denied from purchasing the house. That can happen with unemployment, bad credit, excessive debt, etc. I'm guessing the reason you were permitted to change the deed later was exclusively because you could do it post-closing on the house once you had received the financing and deed from the original lender.
With that being said, I think it was a mistake to allow your FIL's behavior. Frankly, I would have said that your ILs had better apologize, or they wouldn't be welcome in "your" house period. It doesn't matter if your FIL feels strongly about it. It's none of his business. He could have taken a quiet stand and said he didn't want to put time and effort into a house that maybe his son had no legal rights to, but it was way out of line to yell at you or pester you about it. I wouldn't want to be around him either, but I think you're acting on this one too late. It should have been addressed at the time, not now that you've bent to his wishes and are seething with resentment.
Granted I live in Minnesota and don't know the laws in your state -but the second DH and I were married, he was legally entitled to half of my house that I purchased before I even met him. The only reason he is on the title now is because I re-financed and we opted to have both of us on there if we were going to have to re-file the paperwork anyway.
Your FIL is a butthead, your FI is a butthead for not standing up for you, and you gave FIL in particular way too much power by justifying yourself against his crazy powertrip. Hire a contractor to hang your cabinets, go to a class at Home Depot, or download a video online. It isn't that difficult - I can personally assure you.
I understand his concern, but it really isnt his business. Of course,he can decide he doesnt want to work on the house and that IS his business.
I'd be very sweet to him and say.."Ya know, we really want his name on it all but are having such a hard time accomplishing this. Since you know so much, do you think you could help us get this done?"
I don't understand they trying to not take it personally. Of course it is personal - there is really no other way to take it.
You're right, part of my 30 year plan to drive the fruit of my loins crazy is to treat her like crap. LOL
Somebody just launched themself off the deep end.
Nope 30 years from now her DD will be on here talking about how her mom is intrusive and wont let her be an adult and what should shse do.
You people are very dramatic, no?
I said I wouldn't approve, not that I would boycott, meddle or get otherwise involved.
The fact that you would be making it enough of your business to approve or disapprove of anything means you WOULD be meddling.
I think the last time my mother gave me her "approval" for anything I was 17...
oh for god's sake. put down the crack pipe, you sound like a speculating idiot.
Well, that's quite the leap.
I think jumping through hoops to do what your FIL wanted was a big mistake. You had an opportunity to stand up to him and put him in his spot, and you didn't-fail.
Now you expect an apology? I don't see that coming.
I agree with others, it is your DH's job to deal with his obnoxious father, and he didn't-another fail.
Have a talk with your DH before the next time comes around, let him know your position and what you expect of him. My sister was in a marriage, where the IL's had their nose in EVERYTHING. Her DH never stood up to them, and guess what DIVORCE!
Why is it that someone being "old fashioned" is an out for being a douche?
You shouldn't have jumped through hoops for this man..... but that ship has sailed.... so take what you have learned from this situation.... and don't let him do it again.
You all need to sit down and clear the air. FIL was wrong. He needs to know he cannot talk to you like that and be welcome in your home. Your H needs to back you up on this.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Did the original post not say after jumping through hoops they were able to do what FIL wanted? Now I have to go back and look.
Yup she jumped through hoops, and got her done!
Oh and if my H was not on the morgage paper work.... meaning I was the only one responsible for the payments of said home... your damn right he would not be on the deed...
Irony is that in Ohio there is dower rights on properties. So he would still have to sign if you ever chose to sell the house....
Is your H on the loan too... I'm guessing not.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Correction: The last time your mother gave her verbal approval you were 17. If Samfish's DD were to do something she didn't approve of, Samfish doesn't have to bust her ass to help. While OP's FIL is a giant @ss, he had every right not to continue to help if he didn't approve. He definitely didn't handle it well at all, but he doesn't have to help out with something he didn't approve of.*
*I do realize OP's FIL didn't really know what he was talking about or understand the situation. I'm just making a point that he doesn't have to continue to help if he doesn't feel right about the situation.
"That's how he is" is a bullsh!t excuse for shitty behavior. Your FIL is an ass hole and your DH is a spineless weiner.
My SIL is a raging b!tch to everyone and she gets that same pass. Fcuk that. If you're a jerk, you should get called out on it for your own good. Your H needs to grow a pair and tell his father where to go if he can't mind his own goddamn business.
Dont count on it. They will likely think since they did so much of the work they are entitled to come by as they please. You need to speak to your H about establishing boundaries now. My IL's would have none if we didnt set them. BIL has never set any and IL's just show up at his house ALL THE TIME. Sometimes 2x in a day. MIL has a key and goes there almost every day, even when BIL isnt even home, she feels its her house too. She would never dream of doing this with us because we would never allow it. You should seriously hire someone or make H figure it out himself. My H can do almost everything and anything hes not sure of, he calls a friend.
Wow. I don't agree with Sam but you are an idiot. You realize that saying " I wouldn't approve" Doesn't mean it was said verbaly at all. There are tons of things I judge in my head with out sharing. I bet your mom has an opinion on many things in her head, even if she hasn't told you. Most people do about most things.
The logic in this post is killing me.
I'm really sorry to hear that you're having to deal with this situation. I have had problems with my FIL as well so I know how it feels. It's tricky trying to navigate things sometimes when you feel like someone is being out of line.
First of all, I think your FIL is blowing this WAY out of proportion. It really is none of his business how the transaction was handled. You and your husband are your own family unit, and what you decide to do with your home and finances is your business alone, unless you choose to share it with someone.
I know how frustrating these situations can be because I'm actually on the opposite end of your situation. My husband and his dad purchased our home together in 2007, right before we started dating. My FIL helped my hubby with the down payment and also has his name on the mortgage, title and deed. Now that we are married, it really upsets me and I feel like it should be OUR home together. Instead, I just end up feeling like I'm living in my husband and FIL's home. It's made for a very awkward situation and I'm worried about what my rights are. We tried to get it changed but in order to do so, we would have to refi and jump through hoops.
I think your FIL does owe you an apology for the way he acted since it really never was his business in the first place. However, if your FIL is anything like mine, you won't be getting an apology anytime soon or most likely ever. Good luck!