some IL advice

leahj1234

Hi again ladies! I've only written only one or two times before, but I have something else that I would appreciate advice about.

Lately the ILs have been complaining to DH about the myriad things that are "wrong" with our current life situation, but I haven't been in their presence to tell them to stop. DH has lived almost his whole life being told that every little thing was a bad move or not good enough and it is finally getting to him.

The way that they treat him has been a point of contention between DH and I, so I am glad that he is able to see what I've been seeing the whole time and now he wants to take a stand. He would like me to help him and I'm all for this.

The thing is, the ILs have cut back a lot on how often they complain about things in front of both of us. I think they know that I'm done with hearing it because I stood up to my MIL (she's the main culprit, but FIL can be a jerk sometimes, too) so they just complain to DH.

So what I'm wondering is, what is the best way to go about confronting them? Do we just wait for a complaint to occur the next time we're there for dinner (which might not happen if I'm there) or is this something that we should address before it happens again?

Any advice or similar experiences are appreciated! Thanks in advance

babubhatt

"it's none of your business"

"i'll take that under advisement"  (and then don't)

"i'm an adult and can make my own decisions, thanks"

etc.

your H needs to grow a pair - they are his parents and he can't think of what to say??

also - can you give some examples of what they are commenting on?  it helps when giving you strategies of how to respond.

 

Aiobheann

you and DH need to sit down and talk and then discuss how he is going to handle that situation. The key is that DH has to deal with his family. It'll be hard to do it, but let him deal with his family. Your involvement is in being a part of the decision process for how they get dealt with and in supporting your DH in his efforts to deal with his family.

ILoveRedVino

I think that if you say anything, you'll look like the jerk.  Your H needs to stand up for himself.

MKESweetie

You can't control how your ILs act, and unfortunately you can't control how your H reacts. He's spent a lifetime with this type of behavior (constantly being told everything he does is wrong), so it's probably going to take a while for him to change.

You can encourage him to respond with some of the things Booby recommended, or talk to him in advance about some things he is comfortable saying. Practice, if he wants, because changing behavior can take practice and preparation. Be reassuring, and patient with him (easier said than done, I know).

All that aside, should your ILs pull this shiit with you, respond how you see fit. Don't worry about being seen as the bad guy/wife. They only continue this behavior because they're not checked on it. 

leahj1234

Thank you all!

I guess part of me just wants to show them who's boss and sweep DH away with me in triumph, but they are HIS family and this is something he should do. Coaching is a good idea, and those responses sound effective I'll run some of these by him tonight.

erinreilly30

before anything else, he needs to learn to not fear what they will do/say. After he can get the courage to handle that a lot can be done!

alithebride

what is the reason that he doens't have the ability to stand up to them in the first place? did he misplace his spine?

ShannersLA

I know you want to stand as a united front with your DH, but he needs to 'handle' his family - not you.  In my experiences, it's been evident that when you 'take a stand', DH's side will put more focus on you as the bad guy rather than the issue at hand.  Remember, blood is thicker than water.

Also, you asked when would be an appropriate time for DH to say something to them.  I suggest not in the heat of the moment.  He should approach the IL's (face-to-face) and have a calm chat when they aren't in the middle of picking at him.  That way, he is clear-headed and non emotional.  Things are never going to be 'discussed' when someone has to be offended first. 

CDSC

I am in a similer situation with my inlaws. My husband has been working sence he was 15 and driving them around sence he was 14. He has taken care of them now more than half his life. He is being really good about that they were his family, but now I am his family. It doesnt matter if they approve or disaprove, I didnt need my IL to approve my marriage and we dont have to approve decisions by them. The more I reaffirm this to him the more he feels it. He is growing a backbone, slowly, and I am sure yours will be a slow process if you want to keep IL in your life. Its so worth it though, because he doesnt feel like I am "whisking him away" and not letting him see his family. I am just making this more HIS choice and making sure he knows that he can see them, or he acutally can say no. We even have an agrement if he doesnt want to go out with them because he doesnt feel like it he can jsut tell them I am too tired or have a headache and it can be my fault. It doesnt hurt my relationship with them because they know I am a strong person and will tell them what I think, its always the truth, even when it hurts. Just make sure H knows that he has choices now, and that if he wants to be whisked away you are right there.