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She plays mom for one night, and suddenly I'm chopped liver
I realize that it's perfectly normal for kids to idealize an absent parent, and I've always tried really hard to be diplomatic with my SS about his mother. We don't make excuses for her behavior or her neglect, but we also don't say negative things about her. We encourage SS to speak directly with his mother about his concerns, but every time he's tried to do so in the past, she's yelled at him.
Anyway, on to my pointless vent. Bm decided to sign the papers that would allow me adopt SS. My husband took SS down to visit, and he spent one night with his mother.
One. Night. In the past three years. And suddenly, SS is back at home saying things like "my REAL mom" and calling me by my name as opposed to 'mom', which he's been calling me for two years now (at his repeated requests, not ours).
Really? She plays mom for one night and suddenly I'm just the stepmom again?
I'm trying not to take it personally, and I know that this is all normal for his age/development/situation, but I'm still super butthurt about it.
Feel free to tell me to suck it up, I just needed to vent.
Re: She plays mom for one night, and suddenly I'm chopped liver
Hugs! I won't tell you to suck it up, I totally understand why you're hurt.
Like you said, it's normal for him to feel and behave this way, but it's also totally normal for you to feel hurt, so give yourself a break. I'm sure things will return to normal in a few weeks and he will be back to calling you 'mom'.
I have to say though, I don't understand your H bringing him to her in the first place. She is signing away her rights, I would think seeing her would just be confusing for your SS. Is there plans for her to still be in his life even though she won't have a legal right to?
Oh, I'm so sorry--and I've been in your shoes, and it sucks, big time. And you have to know that this is going to hurt HIM more in the long run--when his "real" mom once again has no more contact with him, he's going to be terribly sad and he's going to need you to help him through it.
I will say, it gets better as they get older and can better see who actually does the hard work of parenthood. It's a delayed reward, but a reward nonetheless.
I think it's completely normal to feel hurt, but I would try to channel that into feeling sorry for your SS. I can't imagine how painful it is for him to be rejected by his own mother, and I imagine that he saw a glimmer of hope that she actually loved him and he has run with that feeling. You also have no idea what kind of lies she fed him.
He will need you though when he realizes that she hasn't changed and she still doesn't want him. That is going to be really tough for him, but it will definitely help for him to know that he still has you and that you aren't going to abandon him.
I would definitely be hurt as well. It must be so discouraging to see him idolize a woman who's had nothing to do with him.
But like you said, this is nothing personal. He's probably overjoyed that he's finally gotten some attention from his birthmom after craving it for so long. I'm sure things will be back to normal once Birthmom goes back to her old ways, and SS will appreciate you once again when he realizes that you've been a real parent to him this whole time. Continue to be kind to him (but don't allow him to disrespect you), because he's going to need a shoulder to cry on once he realizes that Birthmom won't be in the picture anymore, and once it finally sinks in that his birthmom actually signed away the rights to her own child (even though it sounds like it's for the best).
I'm sorry, though, that you're dealing w/ this. I can fully understand why you're hurt.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you all. Yes, I had mixed feelings about him visiting with his mother, but it gave all of us the opportunity to spend a week with his half-sister, who we were all very close to (DH helped raise her from birth, but was cut out of her life a few years ago by BM because he wasn't her biological father).
We have been able to revive our relationship with SS's half-sister, so I think on the whole it was worth any temporary confusion or hurt feelings, but I intensely dislike the way BM plays these games with the kids. She could have told him anything, and he would have believed every word without a doubt.
She doesn't want the responsibility, but can't resist trying to hold him hostage emotionally. It sucks.
That sucks I'm sorry. I think it's normal though - children can't emotionally handle being abandoned by a parent, so they deal with it the best they can and a lot of the time that ends up hurting the other parent(s).
Give him a little time to simmer down - over the long term, he *will* know who was there for him, who raised him and sacrificed for him. It's cold comfort in the moment, but it's something.
I am legally his stepmom at the moment, yes. I have also been his parent for years, mom or not. I will be adopting him this year, which will legalize the relationship we already have.
No, I'm not angry at him. I realize how difficult all of this is on him, and on the rest of us. I didn't usurp his mother's position in his life, but I was willing to pick up the pieces and be there for him through hell and high water when she decided she couldn't be bothered to parent him.
I have never micro-managed what he calls me, aside from initially discouraging him from calling me mom. I haven't said a word to him about any of this, and I don't plan on doing so.
His 'real mom' just gave him away. You know you're the real mom, because you're the one who wants him. I'd cut him a whole lot of slack on the mom thing for a bit.