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the ball is officially in his court
So, last night, I talked to H and told him that I did not want to go back to the marriage counselor we are seeing, especially after he told us at our last appointment that he thought we'd only need one more. I told him I would rather spend the money on his anger management counseling right now. I also told him that I looked up the number for him and it was on the counter.
So, now it's totally up to him. He can't use me as an excuse for not calling, he has the number, he knows it's still a priority to me, and now I wait (and prepare). I figure one of two things will happen:
1. He will not call and make an appointment. (this is most likely)
or
2. He will go to appease me (do just enough). And then refuse to continue saying its stupid and he doesn't have a problem.
Either way I have my answer, and I will have had time to prepare all of our finances.
Re: the ball is officially in his court
This. Stop doing things for him. Seriously. It doesn't count towards his effort if you're doing them for him.
Either way, the answer is the same. Neither of your predictions show him making any effort to change. What more do you need?
Oh Tigersi, you were doing so good. You got your answer already from him. He thinks you two only need one more appointment and then your marriage is cured! Which we both know is far from the truth. Stop doing things for him.
You know he won't change, we know he won't change, what more do you need?
Check us out
You have been doing so well. Then I read this update & it sounds like you still think you can push him along until he stumbles in to changing.
Doesn't the fact that he couldn't bother to look the number up tell you everything you need to know?
I said don't look up that number for him a long time ago, back when your H's BFF was supposedly in Mexico, or something.
What do you need to happen to give yourself permission to walk away from this?
I did it to reinforce the fact that this is something important to me. I'm not going to hound him about it and remind him, and pester him. I just thought it was important to reiterate that one last time. I can't explain why but I feel like it was necessary for me to do that so that I can completely wash my hands of the situation. I felt a strange sense of release after.
I understand completely about constructing circumstances that make it possible for you to feel you can leave without looking back. Make sure you don't make a construct that keeps you there too long, is all. Hang in there.
It sounds like you did it because are desperately hoping your efforts will make him change, I hope you come to the realization that he is who he is and you cant change that. Only he has the power to change himself and if he honestly wanted to change, he would've done it by now. I really hope you get the strength to move on, you deserve better than someone who doesnt have your families best interest at heart.
This makes sense to me. At this point, you've made it so he has no excuses. If he still refuses to do something, then you know, without a doubt, that he isn't willing to do a thing to stay in the marriage.
I am at a point (finally) where I am ok with walking away emotionally. However, I'm taking time to do some preparation before actually making my exit. I had hoped that he would take this time to change my mind, but I have no indication that he wants to. So, for all intents and purposes, I'm done. I just need a little more time to make preparations for myself and my son.
I'm checking out lawyers this week. I've talked to a couple, but have a couple more I want to meet with. This is an important piece of the puzzle, and I want to take the time to ensure I have someone "in my corner" that I have confidence in.
You had to know we would react this way. You are giving him the opportunity to make you stay. Do you even really want to leave? Because now it sounds like lipservice.
He's not an idiot. He could have called by now. He doesn't want to go and doesn't think he has an anger management problem in the first place. If he did, he would have made the call long ago. Even if he does it now, it's completely meaningless because he didn't do it without your hand-holding. So why wait to see which lame direction he throws this "ball that's now in his court"? It's only in his court because you passed it to him! You have just given him the power for doing absolutely nothing in return. Not a good move. Now you have to decide, if he makes the call, is that even remotely enough? I hope the answer is no and you start packing your bags ASAP.
OP- I've held my tongue dear but this is just crazy. You go on and on and on about how you're so checked out of your marriage but you go holding his hand again! I desperately want to support you getting out of a crappy, dangerous, loveless marriage but you frustrate me by allowing your backbone to disappear overnight and go back to babysitting your abusive husband. I have never been a battered spouse so I will be the first to admit that I have no idea what it is like to be you. I can imagine that it is incredibly difficult to break free from but please start breaking! You don't need to help him put the nail in the coffin (yours? Your marriages? You decide.). Stay strong - stand up for your convictions and stop helping the a-hole out for crying out loud!!
I agree with SueSue.
And I think you've come a long way in a short amount of time. Everyone does and I sympathize so strongly with posters who want you to stop doing anything for him and take his broken promises seriously. But I really see you as needing to do more to justify your exit and that's okay. Becuase this is your process and your way to manage your relationship.
And its quite typical.
I'm also a little sad, because you were so hopeful when you walked back in, standing on the doorway, in the rain listening to him promise anger management classes and marriage counseling.
If its okay, I'll share a few thoughts:
1- Leaving is not a safe time, so be worried about that. Its ironic that abused women actually learn behaviors that trap them in a relationship, but actually keep them safer in the short-term. There is a reason why advocates call it a "safety plan" when someone makes plan to leave - you have to do it safely. So, don't let your guard down.
2- It is wonderful to plan your exit but I am going to go against the grain a little and encourage you to plan well and then leave. I actually want you to think strategically about what and how you can afford the transition. I want you to have as many options as possible to provide for yourself and child, and that most often means financial resources. Can you set-up a line of credit? Can you save more? Can you get a credit card in your name only? What is your cash on-hand? How much would you have after the move?
3- Think seriously and talk in detail to lawyers about child custody. I don't want to frighten you, but spousal abuse does not always factor into custody arrangements. That may be shocking, but courts don't always see domestic violence against the wife as a reason to prevent unsupervised visitation of the children. And you will be in violation of child custody laws if you prevent your child from seeing the father. So, that means contact at pick-up and drop-off and phone calls and a great deal of coordination on a LOT of matters. And as you can imagine, if your husband is angry at you for leaving, the child and chid visitation/custody could become an easy thing to fight you on. And expensive. Don't assume anything.
4- Have you been honest with your marriage counselor? Really honest? I have to wonder why he thinks you two only "need" one more session. I know you have written him off, and I don't blame you, but have you told the consellor that he is so far off base? Can you call him and discuss it? If you can, why haven't you?
Be well, and please keep posting. This is often a long process, don't be discouraged because you're not there yet.
Thanks for the update. I didn't ask to be nosey, just to be helpful.
You have a very complicated situation and seem remarkably capable to overcome each and every challenge.
Continued good luck!
I hope my response didn't sound snarky. It certainly wasn't meant to! I appreciate all of the thoughts and advice I get here, that's why I keep coming back.
Seeming capable and feeling capable are two completely different things, but with my planning I feel like I'm becoming stronger in my resolve. I've not only set benchmarks for my husband, I've set some for myself. And each time I reach one of those benchmarks and I'm able to check it off my list, I feel stronger and more confident that I am doing what's best for myself and my son. I think that's why the planning process is so important to me, and not rushing into a decision that I may second guess later. I know now that is why I went back so soon. I hadn't prepared enough to be confident in my decision. I won't make the same mistake twice.
As for the marriage counsellor:
Why don't you use your would-be last counselling session to tell him that you feel his counsel has been ineffective and hasn't helped you?
You're going to have years of co-parenting with your DH after you leave. It might teach you something to tell someone exactly how you feel. I mean, in essence, this guy works for you and he's saying you only need one more session and you're screaming "No! I need a hell of a lot more!" and you never got to say that and call him on what's wrong. You're going to have to do it with your DH eventually. This could be a good start for standing up for yourself.
I had considered that, but to be honest, the thought of giving this man any more money makes me a little sick to my stomach.
I have to wonder if this counselor knows there is no way to fix this marriage and wants her to give up on it. He probably wouldnt come out and say that for fear of what her crazy husband would do to him but I 'm guessing he's ending the sessions because he knows there is no hope and wants no part of it. I've never heard of a counselor not trying to keep up the sessions even once things do get better. This guy cant be that oblivious that he thinks their problems are solved. And professionals do sometimes fear their own safety with husbands. I have a lawyer friend that wont represent women because he was having husbands threaten him and his family (which he never told them he had). Abusive men can be very dangerous...