Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How would you handle this?
A year ago, my 25-year-old cousin met a good friend of mine (her and I are both 27) while we were out one night. He liked her, but he was dating someone else at the time. A few weeks ago, my cousin, who is now single and wants to date, asked if I would be willing to set him up with my friend. I had no problem with this. So we went out in a group of friends a couple of times before the two exchanged phone numbers. They talked for about a week, and my cousin asked my friend out on a date. My friend was really excited about it.
The night of the date, my friend calls me and says that my cousin cancelled on her, stating having to work late as the reason. She was upset, but I assured her that he wouldn't lie to her and would probably call her soon. It wouldn't be like him to cancel a date and lie about it. Not to mention, my cousin had told me how excited he was about the date and how much he liked her.
It's been almost two weeks and he never called her. I have called my cousin, but every time I bring her up he uses being busy as an excuse. I wasn't buying it. Well, my mom called me today and said she talked to his mom about it. My friend is a social smoker, and that bothers my cousin. He supposedly just realized this the afternoon of their date, and he thought he was being a nice guy by cancelling on her and not taking the relationship any further.
I am beyond furious. The right thing to do would have been to never ask her out, since he has known about her habit for over a year. I don't know that I even believe his excuse. My friend hasn't asked me about it at all, but I know she is wondering why he cancelled and never called back. Do I tell my friend the excuse he gave? Should I be honest with her if she eventually asks? What would you do?
Re: How would you handle this?
MYOB
ETA: Your mom called his mom, really?!
My mom talks to her sister (my cousin's mom) every day, so it just came up in conversation. My mom said it was a shame that he has been so busy lately, and my aunt felt the need to tell her what was really going on. I should have clarified.
No, you should not lie. How long ago was this? If it was recent, tell her that he doesn't like that she's a social smoker and you don't know why he wasn't up-front with her.
I hope you've learned your lesson. From now on, do not get in the middle of other people's relationships.
This is what happens when you set up two people you know and care about - it might not work out.
Tell your friend to move on - she doesn't need any guy (your cousin or not) that's not decent enough to call her back.
At this point, I'd do your best to stay out of it; suggest to your friend that she stop waiting around for his call, just like I'd hope you'd do if it were any other guy blowing her off.
Totally agree that you should stay out of it. If she asks you directly if you ever got any information about what happened, if I were you, I would tell her what you heard.
I don't buy it though--he has some other reason for cancelling like that. If the social smoking were a problem, I feel like he would have gone on the date, and if the date was a great one, talked to her at that point about her smoking and tell her it would be an obstacle to them progressing as a couple.
My cousin dated his now-wife for a little bit and then told her her smoking was a deal breaker. She quit smoking right away because she knew he was the guy for her.
There has to be more to the story, but I don't think it is appropriate for you to pursue it, you have to just let it go.
Not necessarily true. I spent most of my dating years refusing to date smokers at all BECAUSE they were smokers. You can't start a relationship with someone expecting the person to change for you, you have to expect him as s/he is.
When I was 16, I dated a smoker. He knew it was an issue for me and quit before he asked me out. 6 months into our relationship, when I was already nuts about him, he started again. We dated for almost two years total, with him quitting off & on, and it was awful. I vowed never to date a smoker again. And obviously, many smokers who quit, return to the addiction.
So yeah, it's a valid reason not to date someone. The way this particular guy handled it was pretty crappy, but it's still a valid reason. If it was me, I'd have told her straight out what the problem was.
Face Painting Blog | Body Art Blog
Legal Blog
I agree w/ PPs, MYOB. And FWIW, I wouldn't date a smoker. It bothers me and I'm allergic to the smoke so being around anyone who smokes - even if it's just out for a night on the town is not fun.
Ummmm.... this is non of your business. And yes your cousin could have canceled earlier.... but you know it is HIS DECISION WHO HE WANTS TO DATE. NOT YOURS.
And if you are this much in other people's business... I don't blame him for fibbing to you about why.
Get your nose out of other people's dating life... really. Don't bring it up if she doesn't bring it up.... I'm sure some else will come along and your friend will get over it.... probably quickly if you drop it.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Haha, boy people are passionate about you minding your business!!!! But I can kinda see why you'd feel the need to give some kind of explanation to your friend, though. I would tell her the truth if she brings it up again as I agree, it could be a legitimate excuse. Too bad he wasn't honest with her, himself. That would have spared you from being in the middle.
On the bright side, they haven't even had one real date, so if your friend is not a psycho, she will get over it quickly and just move on. Sometimes things just don't work out.