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How do you handle the IL's health issues? - Long
Background: 2 years ago my DH and I moved to a different state because his parents were getting older and needing help. We helped find them a house and shortly thereafter his father was put into hospice. We lost my FIL to his battle with cancer last fall.
During all of this, I got contradictory messages about my involvement from my DH: On the one hand he and his family are not very forthcoming about medical issues. My DH says they don't share because the issues "weren't important at the time" or they "didn't want to worry anyone". (It's very different in my family, we tend to share, even the small things.) My FIL had actually been VERY sick for months before they moved close to us. Every time we talked to my MIL, she said that my FIL was fine and making a big deal of nothing...until he collapsed and she called us asking what she should do. We convinced her to call an ambulance. After a few days in the ER they discovered the cancer and removed a tumor the size of a football. He was fine for several months after and we got them moved closer, until the cancer came back and rapidly spread through his body, which is when he was put into hospice.
On the other hand DH tells me he wants me to be involved, but when I asked questions about medications or procedures he got touchy. Because of the severity of the situation with his father, and how quick everything happened, we never really came to an agreement on what he would like my role to be when it comes to health issues with his family. I just tried to be as supportive as possible and understand that he was losing his father.
Fast forward to the present, his mother is sick. On Sunday my DH ended up taking her to the ER. She had apparently not been feeling well for a few days, but said nothing - even when we took her out to breakfast Saturday morning. She got released from the ER then ended up staying the night at our place because she didn't want to be alone.
Again my husband says he wants me to be involved, but when I ask questions or make suggestions he gets touchy and a little defensive. It's very odd to me, because we rarely argue about anything other than family dynamics. I understand that he is most likely feeling stressed, or possibly even scared at the possibility he may lose his mother too. I just wish he could effectively communicate what he really wants/needs.
So my question to you lovely ladies is...Where do you draw the line with your involvement? How do you find a balance of being supportive/involved with IL issues?
Re: How do you handle the IL's health issues? - Long
If you opt not to go that route, tell your DH directly that you don't know what he wants from you. Remember to use "I" statements not "you" statements. With my DH I would be really blunt and not really very sensitive and not follow my own advice, but that's how he and are regarding family "why are acting weird when I ask about your mom's health?".
It sounds like his family is not very good at facing reality when it comes to health situations.
He wants both. He wants you involved and he wants you to avoid touchy subjects.
He hasn't learned how to communicate on this subject. In fact, he seems to have deep taboos on several fronts regarding it.
You don't have to tip toe around mine fields to try to figure it out. Its not fair and its not going to work. Go with your gut. Find the balance YOU want to reach and stay there.
This... I have gone through the same things with my FILs.. All you can do, is know that you are doing your best to support your husband as well as his family. I would lay it out there (which I have) in saying, "What is it that you need from me?" I know that with my ILs, they were too afraid to ask doctors to explain what was going on with them. They were/are indimidated by doctors and figured whatever they had to say and whatever procedure medical personnel recommended shouldn't be questioned. In turn, they acted as though their ailments or procedures were a hush-hush issue, when in fact, they had no idea what was going on with them. Is that a possibility?
Obviously, your husband's family is really bad about talking about illness. Some families are like that.
The next time he tells you that he wants you involved, try saying to him "I want to help you in any way I can, but I need your guidance. I have received mixed messages in the past about what you want me to do in this space. I need you to tell me very clearly what you want me to do."
Notice that I am focused on the actions. During these times of illness, there are a lot of feelings running rampant and that may be too much for your husband to handle. If you ask him "What can I DO to be of the most help to you?" he might be able to better convey the actions he wants you to take.
First, I'm really sorry you and your husband are going through all this. DH lost his father when he was 15, and I know he worries about his mom now that she's been having health issues.
I agree with PP. Focus on actions, what you can do to help. He might not be able to communicate to you what he's feeling, with emotions running crazy right now. Just asking him how he would like your help might help him refocus also
Sorry you're going through this. I can totally relate to you because my IL's try to avoid health issues until its practically too late. Its very sad and frustrating. Dealing with his father's decline and death almost broke us apart. We went to counseling and it really helped us get a grasp of what was his role and my role in the situation. Having a therapist "referee" for us took a lot of pressure and guilt off both of our shoulders. It was expensive but worth the cost and time. Highly recommend it if both of you feel strained and conflicted.
You have to find the balance that satisfies his family's needs and doesn't burden you. What his mom needs and what you'd provide for your own parents are probably not the same thing either. Our therapist basically told DH to man up and take control of his family responsibilities; my role was support staff and not decision maker. If he was unable/unwilling to pony up and he deferred to me, then he had to accept the choices I made. Maybe those guidelines will help you.
Tough situation... I hope things go well for you!
All of these posts are wonderful, and so very appreciated!!! It's very comforting knowing that others have faced similar challenges, and from the sounds of it, come out them stronger! I think, since he's in the middle of a stressful situation already, I'll start with asking what I can do to be the most help to him and try to get the communication going that way. And I do like the suggestions for a therapist referee...I even think that there is some sort of mental health in our insurance.
Thank you so much all!! Your advice is so helpful!!