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My mother
I don't usually post over here, I'm usually on the bump, but there has been something thats been nagging at me and sometimes a strangers perspective is helpful.
I no longer speak to my mother, the reasons are complicated and the story is long, so in an attempt to give enough information so I can get some feedback I apologize in advance if this gets too long.
The breaking point between us occurred a few months ago. But I believe that this has been a long time coming. To put it simply, her and I are two completely different people and no matter how hard I try I cannot think of time when we got along for more then a few hours without bickering. I used to think it was just our relationship, thats how we were, but over the past 4 years a lot of damage has been caused that has brought some light to the true nature of our relationship. To put it frankly she's a liar, a thief, and a cheat. We've, well I've tried to move forward, repair and rebuild our relationship on numerous occasions, but old habits die hard and before long I found myself right back in the position of being ridiculed and lied too. I have a clear mind about all of it, I know that I played a role in some of our problems, and I know there's two sides to every story. But the breaking point was her doing, maybe I asked too much of her, maybe I was being unrealistic, but for my sanity I told her point blank that the lies stopped here. And in no uncertain terms I told her that if she lied to me one more time over anything, big or small, sooner or later, that I would cut ties with her completely. She understood, or claimed to. Three months after this conversation I caught her in a lie, a pretty big one, she had been unfaithful to my father (something I had approached her about before).
So I cut ties, it was ugly and extremely difficult, considering she's still married to my father who's determined to work it out with her. But for the past two months she's stayed on her side of the fence and I on mine. In all honesty I don't miss her, I don't miss the relationship we had, and I don't want to rekindle anything or work to fix anything. But something is still nagging at me, and for the life of me I can't figure out what I want... Has anyone ever been in a situation like this, have they ever cut off such a close relative who in some ways will always be a part of their lives, how do you cope on the holidays, how to you make it work. I wonder sometimes if there's a way to be civil without being close. I'm just at a loss.
Re: My mother
And this is why I feel some counseling might help you.
Probably for now, at least, you need to keep this distance between you and not see her for awhile. But in time, to the sentence above, yes, you can be civil w/o being close. I sense that you feel because she's your mom, you're "supposed" to be close and anything less than that isn't right and won't work. But I don't think that's the case, and (again) I feel that counseling could help you get to a point where you could have a civil relationship w/ her w/o expecting anything more.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ditto ECB, therapy would help you learn to accept your mother for who she is without expecting her to be someone different. It sounds like you're trying to repair/rebuild a relationship with an idea of who you want your mother to be and not being realistic about who she really is and the limited relationship that you can have with her.
It's very hard to separate who you wish your mother was and who she really is/you know her to be. Once you are able to separate those things, then it is easier to have some kind of relationship with her. It sounds like you are angry that she isn't who you wished she was and you have every right to that anger, but expecting her to change is only going to continue to set you up for disappointment.
I agree that some form of counseling is in my future. I've stopped talking to my husband and close friend because I've talked myself into circle for too long and I think they're too close to the situation to give me proper perspective.
But yes, I absolutly struggle with the sense that I'm supposed to have a relationship with her. I battle with it and what I've felt for some time is that if we weren't related, we wouldn't be in each other's lives because we're two completely different personalities that always seem to clash.
Born: August 27th, 2012
8lbs. 15oz. 20" @ 7:07pm
Follow The White Rabitt
First, and off topic, aboslutely LOVE your puppy!!! We have four dogs and Christmas is soooo fun because they all open their own presents, so I have a lot of pictures just like that one.
Anyway back on topic, I have over time come to terms with the fact that she's never going to change. I think for a very long time I always expected her to adjust her personality to suit mine, I imagine she felt the same way about me. There where times were we would just stare at each other because we couldn't understand why the other one just didn't get it, didn't get why I thought her remark was offensive, or why I was taking things so personally. And yes I've always been jealous of friends who had relationships with their mothers that were so close and bonded, where I always felt like I could never be that close to my own mother, and I admit for years I tried to mold our relationship into what I wanted it to be instead of what it was. So I'll agree that there is probably a level of disappointment there that I haven't quite reached.
Thank you both. These are very good points that when I'm second guessing myself I can come back to and consider.
Born: August 27th, 2012
8lbs. 15oz. 20" @ 7:07pm
Follow The White Rabitt
I totally agree with all the advice given so far.
Counseling can help you differentiate between what you ideally want and what unfortunately is reality with your mother. There's still hope for some kind of a relationship, but you need to figure out some boundaries with her. Obviously you can't trust her 100% but maybe you can find a happy medium. It will take some work, and don't feel bad if you need some distance for your own sanity from time to time. I really wish you and your mom luck.
Honestly I could have written this post exactly. I have been estranged from my mother for nearly two years. After the initial shock of it all I really feel better and stronger without her in my life.
I was in therapy for a while prior to our split and it finally hit me that my mom will never have the emotional maturity to have a relationship with me that is not centered around herself. She is a narcissist and I can't continue to feed into that to the detriment of my own sanity, health and the development of my family. I never would have moved to cut ties with her as easy as that would have made my life but several years ago she started in and from somewhere I just managed the strength to tell her that this is all I have to give - if it isn't enough for her I'm sorry but my family comes first. I think she drew this proverbial line in the sand that I was unwilling to draw and once she gave me that out I ran with it.
I feel bad that she is stunted and emotionally unable to grow and heal but I don't feel bad for taking care of myself and my family by keeping her away.
Good luck in your journey no matter where it takes you.
I am going through the very same thing. I have never been close with my mother but several things have happened over the past 2 and 1/2 years that have made it difficult to even be civil with her.
Is it sad? Yes, but just because she is your mother, you are not required to have a relationship with her.
I feel the same way as you do, that I don't want to rekindle anything with my mother and I don't miss her. It is really sad when I see how close some of my friends are with their mothers and I know that I don't have that. However, I have come to accept it and embrace the fact that this is just the way it is.
Other posters recommended counseling. I am sure that will help you deal with the feelings that you have.
I have been where you are right now. Different situation, but same outcome. I cut ties with my mother in June 2007. She is a narcissist and while I can accept that and hold her at arms length for a very long time, when she started making life decisions that were bad, tried to break up my marriage, took the opportunity to use my graduation with my Master's Degree as a time to celebrate her engagement and then she was caught in lie after lie while she was complaining and bad-mouthing me, I had had enough. At this point I was in counseling trying to get the grasp on it (she had complete control of my life and I had developed an ED because of it) and after taking several sessions of dealing with it I wrote her a letter and told her everything in my life that she has ever hurt me by doing. It ended up being a 12 page typed letter with 42 bullet points and I was being very generous about what I was picking...there was plenty more. I virtually told her that I do not want contact with her until she accepts and apologizes for what she did. After 2 more letters from me and several phone calls and cards from her, she has finally got the hint November 2009.
They fallout though was harsh. I am an only child and had an only parent. So the only parents I have are my in-laws (thank goodness they are awesome!), sometimes when I get pissed at DH I have nobody to confide in that knows me that well, but then I remember she would just use it as ammo against me. I lost my "second mother" because that's my mother's best friend and my "best friend" because that is my "second mother's" daughter. They both report anything and everything back to my mother because they believe the mother daughter bond is sacred and nothing should interrupt it. Both of them will call sporadically, but not enough to make me think they really care if everything is OK in my life, they choose their sides from day 1.
All I can say is that it does get easier with time. I don't think about my mother as much as I did back in 2007. I sometimes wonder about things like...if I was to have a child would I tell her and would she care? I have come a long way since 2007 and you will too. Good Luck!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am there right now myself, and it's so so hard. It sounds like you're currently mourning the loss of your idealized Mom, which is this person you want and need her to be but who she will never become. I agree that counseling is a must, but I can't tell you whether or not you should cut her out of your life. Sometimes cutting people out is easier, because it literally distances you from the problem. However, I don't think it's always realistic, and it sounds like it might not be in your case since your Mom and Dad are still together.
In this case, I think learning how to control how you react to her and how much you let her effect you is key, and counseling can really help you with that. Good luck! It's a long, hard road without any perfect routes or destinations. Just try to take good care of yourself in the process of learning how to deal with such a toxic person who is so close to you.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I stopped talking to my mom in January of 2010 and it's still difficult at times. Because of it (and other reasons), I've also lost touch with my dad (step-dad, technically) and siblings.
Therapy helps a lot. I'm learning how to cope, what are normal reactions, understanding when to let myself grieve, when to recognize times I'm dwelling unnecessarily, etc.
Holidays are especially difficult. Mother's Day emails and ads are killing me right now. But I have to think -- long term this is SO worth it. My sanity means more to me than giving a cruel person a card and making them feel loved.
GL to you
ETA: One thing that I've come to accept when I miss her -- I don't miss MY mother, I miss having A mother. There's a huge difference for me. I am now at a place where I do not regret cutting all ties with my mother. Instead, I regret that things are such with my mom that I was forced to cut all ties with her.
74 books read in 2011
I agree on this statement. I don't miss her per say, I miss the romanticism that is a "mother." But you move past that and the pain only hits now and again the longer you are "free" from the drama.
Born: August 27th, 2012
8lbs. 15oz. 20" @ 7:07pm
Follow The White Rabitt