How to handle this rude question? :(

shannosaurusrex

So, we just got home from a picnic with DH's entire family (14 aunts and uncles, LOTS of cousins, etc).  I'm already uncomfortable in this situation because I'm a shy type of person and, with so many people around, I sometimes feel overwhelmed.  But, today, as soon as we got there, one of his aunts said, "You're not pregnant, are you??"  Wow.  Humiliating.  She then proceeded to tell others, loudly, throughout the picnic that she had asked me if I was pregnant and laughed like it was so funny.  What's worse, this was not the first time someone on his side of the family asked me the same thing - about 2 months ago, one of his uncles did it too!!  I get it, I've gained some weight... It's something I'm already self-conscious about, I don't need it to be the center of focus in a group of people I don't feel super comfortable around as it is.  Then, when I tell DH what happened, he just says he's really sorry.  I think the problem is, neither of us know how to handle this situation...  I just wanted to leave as soon as we got there. 

CurlyQ284

Are you all recently married? It could be that instead of weight related. We can't even say "we have some good news" without someone blurting out "omigod you're pregnant!"

mandynicholson

Sorry honey...it always is humiliating when someone says something like that. It's even worse when you are aware and already self-conscious. I don't know how I would handle this, but then again, I don't think there's anybody that really knows how they would handle it without having been in the situation. Comments like this hurt, but really, the only thing I could see myself TRYING (much emphasis on the word trying) to do is just let it roll off your back and don't dwell too much on it.

shannosaurusrex

We've been married almost 2 years... And I've tried to tell myself that maybe its something like that, but the thing that makes me think it's not is that it comes unwarranted.  Like today, we were going around saying "hi" to everyone when we got there and as I'm saying hello to her, she looks at me and goes, "Youre not pregnant are you??"

EastCoastBride

Just look at them and say "No, I'm not. Why do you ask?" and wait for an answer.  It puts them on the spot.  What are they going to say "OH- well, uh, you look heavier...."????

Sure, I guess they might say that, but the point is- it's going to make THEM feel like the a$$, not you.  AND it should, I would hope, make them realize that's not an appropriate question to ask.

 

Maybride2

I'm sure it had nothing to do with your weight.

You're married, no kids yet, and it sounds like your H's family are tactless and don't know how else to make small talk with you.

Seriously, every single holiday with H's extended family for several years, certain people would study me the entire time and if I went up for seconds or did something "weird" like put cool whip on a cookie, they would jump on me about being pregnant.

Ignore them, don't take it personally. Tell your H to say something to them.

4Speedy

EastCoastBride:

Just look at them and say "No, I'm not. Why do you ask?" and wait for an answer.  It puts them on the spot.  What are they going to say "OH- well, uh, you look heavier...."????

Sure, I guess they might say that, but the point is- it's going to make THEM feel like the a$$, not you.  AND it should, I would hope, make them realize that's not an appropriate question to ask.

 

I would say this, except I would just say "why do you ask?" without the "no, I'm not" part.  That way, they are still left wondering and it is even more uncomfortible for them to quickly come up with a reason why they feel entitled to this information.  Also, after a couple of times, they'll realize you have no intention of ever answering this question so they'll stop asking.

theluckiest555

4Speedy:

EastCoastBride:

Just look at them and say "No, I'm not. Why do you ask?" and wait for an answer.  It puts them on the spot.  What are they going to say "OH- well, uh, you look heavier...."????

Sure, I guess they might say that, but the point is- it's going to make THEM feel like the a$$, not you.  AND it should, I would hope, make them realize that's not an appropriate question to ask.

 

I would say this, except I would just say "why do you ask?" without the "no, I'm not" part.  That way, they are still left wondering and it is even more uncomfortible for them to quickly come up with a reason why they feel entitled to this information.  Also, after a couple of times, they'll realize you have no intention of ever answering this question so they'll stop asking.

 

I agree with both of these ladies. It just depends on if you feel like the question deserves an answer. I think that you absolutely do not have to answer that question. This has happened to me before because I was sitting down with my hand on my stomach at school, and a girl I didn't even know came up and asked if I was pregnant. Funny thing is, we're friends now, but that question still burns in the back of my mind. I'm also very self conscious about my weight and I have been my whole life, so this definitely hurt. I'm sorry this happened to you too. Hang in there and try to just ignore the rude comments.

ksploen

I'm so glad I'm not the only one that's had this happen to me, and you're right it makes you feel very uncomfortable and humiliated.  In fact my Mother in law even called my family to see if they thought I was pregnant too.  I always just so no we're not pregnant and when we are we will share the news.  When I started saying this people stopped asking. 

heartlyric

In general, almost everyone has horrible tact when it comes to pregnancy questions. My sister who is in her second trimester and weighed about 120 before the pregnancy and about 140 now. She got asked if she was pregnant by a customer and when she answered yes the customer said "Good, because I remember you skinny and I wanted to make sure you weren't getting fat." And my BF's brother told his family that he was going to ask his FI to marry him, the family's reaction? "Wait, wait, when is she due?" His brother and his FI have never talked about being pregnant in the slightest before. ECB has the perfect reaction to it, and as hard as it is, you have to learn it is about them and not you, so you don't take it personal. People just have no interaction skills when it comes to pregnancy.

CollegeGrrl219

ksploen:

I'm so glad I'm not the only one that's had this happen to me, and you're right it makes you feel very uncomfortable and humiliated.  In fact my Mother in law even called my family to see if they thought I was pregnant too.  I always just so no we're not pregnant and when we are we will share the news.  When I started saying this people stopped asking. 

It happens to me too, especially with family. However, if I say, "No, but we'll tell you if it happens" they will keep bugging us, because that's what  happened with the engagement. We were together for a long time and people kept asking us when we were going to get married. At that point, I didn't know IF we were going to get married.

In our situation, we hope we NEVER have kids. I don't want to get anyone's hopes up about it.

Therefore, I say, "If I got pregnant today, I'd find an adoptive family, because every child deserves to be wanted, and I really don't want kids."

But, I like the "Why do you ask?" even better. That puts it back on the rude person.

livinitup

So, what happened after you punched her in the mouth? Did she loose any teeth?

vanessaLC

I used to have a co-worker who would ask me if I was pregnant every week! I'd reply "nope, just fat. thanks for asking" she'd be embarrassed for a couple of days. I'd get a laugh out of it.

thesequel

CurlyQ284:

Are you all recently married? It could be that instead of weight related. We can't even say "we have some good news" without someone blurting out "omigod you're pregnant!"

Ditto!  We announced that we were moving back to our home province (after living halfway across the country for 2 years) and the response was "well that's nice...but a baby would be better!"  

 

Mofongo

Ugh, this makes me so made for you. WTF is wrong with people. This might make  you feel a little better. At my grandmothers funeral, my cousins FIL came up to me. He's about 80 and has a strong accent, he's Latin. He says, 'oh, I didn't recognize you, you gained so much weight'. He then looked at my H (who is also Latin) and said to him, in Spanish, it's all your fault. We all stood there in silence until he walked away. H and I busted out laughing b/c we just couldn't believe someone would actually say that shiit. I saw him again at Christmas and avoided him like the plague. 

sallyshazbar

His aunt sounds incredibly obnoxious. Number one, no one should ever ask that question unless you are sitting there reading What to Expect while popping a prenatal vitamin and complaining about your swollen feet. Number two, if any normal person mistakenly asks this question, they should be humiliated, not advertising their fumble to the whole party.

beautiflaw

Maybride2:

I'm sure it had nothing to do with your weight.

 

You're married, no kids yet, and it sounds like your H's family are tactless and don't know how else to make small talk with you.

Seriously, every single holiday with H's extended family for several years, certain people would study me the entire time and if I went up for seconds or did something "weird" like put cool whip on a cookie, they would jump on me about being pregnant.

Ignore them, don't take it personally. Tell your H to say something to them.

This!

I got this all the time from people, not just from my H's side. Everybody was sure that I was pregnant at the wedding because we had dated for only 6 months before getting married. 9 months later there was no baby but everybody was still on bump watch. I gained a little bit of weight but I was a stick figure (like a size 0) before I got married so nobody really said that much except for my family ("honey... did you stop exercising or do you have something to tell us?") but once some of his relatives saw me knitting a scarf and everybody thought I was pregnant. I was loaded on xanax because my dad had just died (it was a few days after the funeral and we were at a Christmas thing because I have awesome luck like that) and I was so mad because his family was getting all excited about me maybe being pregnant and my dad was dead and I was sad and I just could not understand why anybody could be happy. It was a mess. Families just can't get enough of babies and can be ridiculous and thoughtless sometimes. Don't let it get to you, obviously they have no manners at all.

alithebride

have you ever flat out asked her 'why is it whenever I say hi to you the first thing that you ask is if i'm pregnant?'

and dh saying 'sorry'. yeah-no go iwth that for me.

ShannersLA

I would give her the "side-eye" expression and respond in a condescending tone and say, "Ummm...no? Are you??" 

People that ask stupid questions deserve stupid answers.  How old is this aunt?  She'll only get off the hook in my book if she's upper 80's...then you can blame it on the fact that maybe she's lost her marbles.