Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: My Parents Didn't Come to My Wedding (Long)
My brother and sister were just as shocked by how extreme my parents behaved, however, they have been subject to my mom's antics before. My brother just got married last month. He saw the circus that was my wedding so he told my sister and I not to even tell my mom. When he finally told her he was married, she looked hurt as though she couldn't understand why he wouldn't invite or even tell her about his wedding. Go figure.
So, when she doesn't come to your graduation and you're sad, what happens next? Do you stuff down your feelings, do you share them with her?
This whole statement reeks of guilt. You have a profession and the skills to care for strangers, so you have to eatshit with your mother and provide for her? Where is that in your oath? And as a physician, aren't you supposed to have healthy boundaries with your patients? Do you think you have that with your mother?
And do you really think that you were at all effective when you "let my mom know that she needs to get stuff in order to facilitate her care and not just thrust the responsibility on us." Of course she's going to dump on you. And you'll feel guilty and cave and deal with all of the big and little details. And then she'll complain about everything you did, and since she took no responsibility for any of it - she will make her complaints all your fault.
None of this comes from a place of a good relationship. If your relationship is based upon guilt and obligation, hurt feelings and resentment, how good a care taker do you think you will be? No one is telling you to say "to hell with my mom" and walk out in a huff. They are saying you deserve more in these relationships and you need to get honest. Unless or until you get honest about they way your father treates you, the lies your mother spread and the overall unhealthy shambles of a relationship you all have, no amount of guilt-induces good deeds is going to do any of you any good.
He sounds very similar to my father. I feel your pain. As much as we may want them, we do not have parents we can truly count on. Focus on your career, be the best physician you can be, and strengthen your relationship with your husband. If you family won't support and love you, build a new family and invest it with the qualities that were lacking in your own upbringing. You can do this.
As far as your mother is concerned - refer her to a trusted colleague or mentor, and leave it at that. Please don't give her further opportunities to hurt you. Every time you drop your guard, she will get another dig in. You are allowed to walk away from unhealthy relationships, even (and especially!) when it is a familial relationship.
If I were your husband, everytime you bent over to take it from your parents after how they have treated your husband, I'd be pretty damned insulted.
Your parents are just not going to be the parents you want them to be. I'm sorry, but they're not. And all the "I know but..." coming out of this post is ridiculous. Stop setting them up to fail by asking them to include themselves in your life when they have made it clear they have no interest in doing so. For the record, you seem nice enough (though perhaps a bit naive as to what your parents owe you in life), and I am really sorry for your troubles.
But you had a choice, the family or the husband. You picked the husband. Now put him first and stop dealing with your crazy parents until they are ready to act like grown-ups.
I think it's unfortunate that the whole sutiation happened, but if you continue to forgive them and try to include them in your lives, any subsequent disappointments or chaos is your fault IMO. Take this lesson and learn from it.
Without reading all the responses:
Cut them off. Both of them. You see, actions have consequences. Right now, their actions have no consequences because you keep trying to have a relationship with them and you're giving them at least an illusion of control over your life. Walk away. You don't have to be mean about it, but be matter of fact. "Mom, Dad, your actions have consequences. The consequence of being horrible to me and my husband is that I'm no longer in your life." End of story. You'll be happier in the long run, and your husband will be happy that you stood up for him.
A few other things though. You need to let go of any entitlement you feel about your dad's money. Do I want a 1.3 million dollar house in the tropics after I've worked hard all my life? Damn straight. It's his money. I get that you expected him to buy you some things, but that's no longer the expected fatherly route (my parents did not help with our wedding because we could afford it ourselves...I didn't feel like that impacted their involvement at all).
Also, you were actually wrong to ask your guests not to wear white. You can't ask that without sounding like a jerk. It's an implied rule that you don't wear white, and anyone who breaks that little etiquette rule looks like an idiot. And no one would have mistaken that person for the bride. So you just say nothing and hope none of your guests are idiots. And if they are, it really won't be a big deal.
Darling, you teach people how to treat you. You have taught them they can treat you like dirt and you will come back for more by forgiving them. This is a total toxic relationship and no good can come of it for you and your husband, and your future children.
I'm still realing from the fact that when she found out you and your sister were sexually abused instead of getting you the proper counseling, and maybe trying to press charges against the abuser, she called you names and said you were ruining her life. That alone is completely outrageous to me. Had it been my child the guy wouldn't have any man parts left today.
Pleae read the book "Toxic Parents" and get yourself into counseling. You need to separate yourself from these people, the relationship is very unhealthy for you
I'm sorry you are going through this.
without reading any of the replies it sounds to me like your parents finally decided that if you were old enough to get married you were old enough to live on your own and pay for it.
it doesnt matter what your father spends HIS money on or how much of it. him building a house has nothing to do with your dress and, frankly, you shouldn't have expected him to pay for it or anything.
and shameon you for waiting hours and hours until the stores closed. that's jsut silly.
i say cut them both out of your lives-somethings clearly going on here. it leads me to think that they may be right about DH-or they may have reasons for assuming what they do about him.
and stop making it about money. their money is their business, not yours, and it's up to THEM how they want to spend it.
Have you ever been to the police about this abuse, My mother was abused by a member of her own family and she only went to the police this year after i had a heart to heart with her, i know it may be hard but imagine having that weight lifted from your shoulders???? It took my mother 35 years to get it out in the open and if you talk to the right people they really can help you and she agrees that it is the best thing she has ever done, i will let you know the out come so you know what can be done, they really do take it seriously, as for the parents not coming to your wedding thing i kinda understand because my mother is not coming to my wedding because she doesn't want to go because her Fiance doesnt want to go, what is that about and my sister won't go because my mother won't go!!! My mother, sister and my mothers fiance do nothing at all, never go out, never have fun, NOTHING, it really winds me up, they are not shying away because of money because i havnt asked for any, i don't have any problems with her fiance, i just think it is ridiculous and i have just found out that my mother is saying lies to my brother and sister about my Dad which i know are lies for reasons of my own!! I know my mother has had issues in the past but so have i!!! So in some ways i know how you feel and even when things sound extreme doesn't mean it is not the truth or a story!! I hope you get past this and i agree with some of the other people and think it is a great idea to have some form of councelling it really would be a great help, Just look to the future and never let anyone get you down because no one is better than you we are all equals!!