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Should I go?
I haven't posted in a while but I really just don't know what to do...
Back story: I have two SILs A and B. A is around my age and we get along really well, her boyfriend is very good friends with my H and we have all had a good relationship. B just turned 20 and is married and pregnant due in two months, she and I have never really gotten along. A and B never got along growing and even until recently they have never been close. My H was close to A and had a decent relationship with B (they would talk when they saw each other and that's about it.)
In November B found out she was pregnant (they had been married for almost 3 months at this point.) Once she did A and B started getting much closer and it was really nice I was still close with A and B and I were getting along better. Three weeks after my H and I found out we were pregnant and we couldn't have been happier, when I called A and told her she was really rude to my H and I. A couple weeks later we lost the baby and my ILs were very, very supportive A even apologized for the way she treated me and was there for us. Fast forward two weeks later we went to my ILs house for Sunday dinner and my H and I got on the computer to and there was facebook message between A and B, calling me a B!tch for being pregnant and saying I was only pregnant to "steal her thunder" and that I made her cry when she found out when I was pregnant, and saying I'm such an awful person and so on...
My H and I were furious, it was hard enough reading that but let alone from A as well, was heart breaking, we had been through enough. My H called them both out on it and B wouldn't even talk to him and A kept trying to bring up anything she could to say that it's my fault because B and I aren't close, my H just hung up and told them to never talk to him or me again. Even after we lost our baby they never apologized. When we would see them they were rude to both of us and even got my MIL involved, she told me I should apologize for reading it and that they were just hurt I was pregnant at the same time and that B was mad because we would be compared to each other and (she is a bigger girl and was afraid how people would look at her and me knowing we were only a few weeks apart.)
Now they still haven't said anything to me, but B talked to my H and told him she felt really bad about the whole thing and that she wanted to apologize, this was about three weeks ago. She hasn't said anything to me yet, I haven't really seen her since then, except at my birthday dinner that my ILs threw for me. It was the first time she was nice to my H and I (my parents were also there so I don't know if she was putting on a show for them). She sent a request to me on facebook and I accepted. I ran into A and her bf at a store and she came up and talked to me like everything was normal.
B's baby shower is this coming up this weekend and at first I didn't get an invitation but I was sent one later, but I just don't really know if I should go. My H told me it was up to me and he supported any choice I make. I really want to be able to have a decent relationship with the both of them, not necessarily close but able to not be "fighting." Part of me doesn't want to go because it is still really hard knowing that I should be having a baby really soon as well and its just a reminder that H and I lost our baby. At the same time she still hasn't said anything to me and I feel it might be uncomfortable for me considering she is the type of person who would have bashed me to all of her friends and I don't want to go some place and be treated like crap by everyone because of something she did.
We have been keeping our distance from each other and have not been around each other and what not, my H has been on my side through the whole thing. I know it has been hard on him and I would like for things to be better.
Sorry for all the drama I just don't know what to do
Re: Should I go?
Sorry its so long
I was thinking maybe I could just send a gift to the shower, or bring it to Easter dinner. We are spending Easter with his family.
Agreed: MIL, A and B all have immaturity issues. Sorry you're in the middle of all of this.
This is what I am leaning more towards now, the more I think about it I just don't want to be there for several reasons and I will see them the next day.
My MIL and I have worked things out we were actually out shopping when she said all that to me and I went off on her. Which is very un like me I lost it on her and we were in public. Oddly enough it was one of the best things for our relationship I think thats when she finally realized that she will not be controlling of H and I.
I would bring a gift to Easter - with your H there - and say you will not be able to make it.
I had a friend who did not attend my baby shower shortly after her son died. It was too soon for her. If your SILs can not understand that a baby shower is not something you can handle (especially under the circumstances). then they are not worth your time. Also, you received your invite as an afterthought - it's certainly possible that you didn't save the date when you knew you weren't invited and made other plans.
I'm a little perplexed about why you would attend family functions until all of the family members have apologized to you. IMO,if you don't take a stand at Easter dinner, then it makes no sense to take a stand at a baby shower (unless the critical aspect is that your H will be at Easter). You can certainly make a policy not to attend any event that H is not attending.
If you want a decent relationship with your SILs, then that's fine, but realize they are the way they are - - I would not want a "close," relationship with them. Ditto your MIL. Her girls come first, and she interferes.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Wow, they are something else. So, because B is pregnant, nobody else in the family is allowed to GP until she delivers because only one person can be pregnant at a time in order to have all the attention? Yeah - she needs to GTFU.
Personally I'd give her the gift on Easter and not go.
Of course you don't go.
She has been beyond rude and mean to you with no regret or apology. Keep your distance. Sending a gift is more than she deserves. I'd prefer she gets it at the party when it's lumped into the rest and you don't have to make a show if it at Easter.
Don't go to the shower. Bring a gift to Easter, or send one to be opened at the shower. That is more than enough.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Ditto. And I LOVE getting gifts for people. There is no force on Earth that could drag me to the shower of such an immature and spoiled brat. What a bunch of loony tunes. I'd avoid them all completely, as those seem to be some alarming true colors they displayed for a while there.
My MIL apologized to the both of us and said she was just protecting her girls (which I kind of understand but like my mom said if I ever did that to someone she would never defend actions like that.)
H and I took a stand with the his family he cut his sisters out of his life and we did not see his family outside of my BILs and FIL (who did not get involved) and we did not see them or speak to them. But once everything was cleared with MIL we would see them, outside of the SILs.
I do not want a close relationship with my SILs but being able to have a decent relationship is fine with me.
The more I think about it this is what I keep coming back to. I just couldn't believe it when I read all that stuff from A, B I believe it she is a major drama queen. I am still going to give her a gift to be polite I NEVER want to be anything like that. I didn't RSVP but I don't really know if they got the message because my MIL called me and briefly mentioned it but I didn't say anything and she quickly changed the subject.
Who is hosting the party? If it is either of your SILs or your MIL, I think your H should fall on his sword, call them, and tell them with all of the drama that has gone around, he does not want you to attend the shower.
Instead of his attitude being "you (redlady) can do whatever you want and I will stick by you," he should have the attitude "you can't treat my wife (and child) like this and expect my family to attend your parties, esp. when you don't apologize."
I think it will be incredibly awkward for you. Is A just going to walk up to you and talk as if nothing happened and forget about the whole thing at the shower? That's not fair to put you through that. You have every right not to speak to her, and you'll almost be forced to.
Wait at least until Easter, when you can put up a united front and your H can tell his sister (A) what he thinks of her.
In fact, I'm wondering if this new, friendly attitude is b/c they want you to attend the shower, bring a gift, pretend to others that nothing is wrong. (Something similar happened to dh and I with one of his siblings. We do not attend her events).
Ditto whoever said if this is what you have to do in order to have a decent relationship with them, that relationship isn't worth it.
Its being hosted by both my SIL and MIL. My H has been very supportive and stood up to his family he even stopped talking to his mother and sisters. He talks to mother now because she apologized. I think I will have my H talk to them and tell them he doesn't want me to go. Not only is it very awkward but its emotionally hard as well.
My H thinks that she doesn't actually want to apologize so by her talking to him and then me going to the shower all will just be "forgotten"
My H and I were both thinking that they want me to go and act like nothing is wrong is because they don't want to let others know whats going on. Especially since they have out of town family coming for the shower.
I am also starting to think that they see it as if I go they don't have to apologize to us and they just got away with it.
This is excellent advice. I would be irate they sent me an invite as an "after thought" and there is no way I would go. Even if H didnt want to be the one to step in and say something, he'd be doing it if he didnt want he!! at home.
I have a very crazy MIL and did deal with a totally crazy SIL (now xSIL) and the ONLY way to make life bearable is to be polite- NOTHING more. To try to have any relationship with irrational, selfish people is a waste of time and very frustrating. It's just not worth it!
I never really thought of it this way I was hoping it was"we sent this to you because we feel bad". But really with them it was an after thought, like pp said its probably because they dont want people to know there are any problems.
They are the type that like to sweep things under the rug to make sure everything looks ok others.