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My sweet mom and her crappy boyfriend
I can't believe I'm putting this out there, but I am feeling pretty desperate. I will try to keep it short. My father died suddenly 2.5 years ago. My mother was devastated. She still is, but I guess she is one of those people who can't be alone, because she started seeing someone else about 6 months later. It hurt me, but I wanted her to be happy. So at the time, I told her that while I would prefer not to meet him or talk about him, I supported her in her right to make her own decisions for her life.
They are still together. I have since met him, although very briefly, and we have never really had a conversation. My brother has spent a little more time with him and hates him. And he has some issues: trouble with alcohol, socially awkward, currently unemployed. Not exactly "a catch" but my mom insists that he is a very caring and loving person. So I have tried to look past these things and continue to support her while remaining distant from him.
Well, recently I learned that several months ago this man tried to sleep with my late father's sister when she was visiting my mother. He was drunk. He came into her bedroom (guest room in my mother's house!) My aunt told him to get lost. Disgusting.
My mom is very upset that I know about this. She continues to defend his character. He has since quit drinking (supposedly). Needless to say, we are not going to be enjoying summer picnics as a big, happy family. Thoughts?
Re: My sweet mom and her crappy boyfriend
Unless he's stealing from her or abusing her, stay out of it. She's an adult and she can make her own decisions (however bad you think they might be, and I don't blame you for being pissed that she settled for a loser).
I wouldn't go out of your way to spend time with him, but I also wouldn't avoid family events entirely. Go, keep a smile on your face, be polite, walk away for a break if he annoys you, and just hope that she comes to her senses and dumps him one of these days.
I think my mom has been in a tremendous amount of emotional pain the past few years and this relationship is her crutch. Maybe she is also naive. This guy is coming between her and all of the people that truly love and care about her. If she hasn't left by now, that tells me she's never leaving him. How do I "let that go"?
Oh, I should mention that he's broke and my mom has a good amount of savings.
If your mom is in such a state of denial, mourning, whatever you want to call it, that she doesn't see all of this now ... then I don't think she's going to listen if you tell her otherwise. Sorry.
I might encourage her to see some kind of financial planner and get her financial affairs in order and make sure she's protected, and also update her will. But, again, the best you can do is suggest this to her. She might refuse.
It's sad, it really is. I don't know if you can ever really let it go, but you need to keep reminding yourself that this is your mother's life, and right now she's doing what she feels makes her happy.
If you replaced alcohol with weed, you would have my mom's boyfriend. I have learned the hard way to stay out of her affairs with him. She isn't going to leave him until she has hit rock bottom. That might be far after he has stolen all of her assets and savings.
What I have learned is that you have to make a choice, is this a deal breaker or not to you? To some, it is and they know it. If it isn't, there is still nothing you can do about it. No amount of talks, interventions or threats will "wake up" your mom from this denial, she has to come to it herself. And then she has to be willing to change that.
My mom is such a wonderful person, I can't imagine not having her in my life, but her BF has made me distance myself from her. But she doesn't keep her life from me, and I don't keep my opinions from her, if I did, it would hurt much more than the truth. When she tells me that her BF hates her complaining about her job and says "JUST GET ANOTHER JOB!!!" my first response is "Oh you should tell him to try getting a job first. It's hard to be the sole income and unless he is willing to help, he should keep his mouth shut." It may not change her ways, but it leaves her self-esteem intact (sometimes she even gets more) and when she is ready she will tell him off, she will and she does sometimes.
Insecure people with co-dependency issues have to come to their own want to change to make better choices. It's painful to watch, long and drawn out, and can lead to no where for what seems like an eternity. But, if you want to help your mom, you have to support your mom but not the choices she makes. You have to be overly positive when they make a right choice like refusing to buy him alcohol, but be emotionless when she giving him cash knowing he will buy alcohol with it. In other words, you have to coddle her when she needs it while being the bad news, you're doing it wrong, advice man when she wants it. It hard but worth it if you really love a person with all your heart.
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I think the PP is right on with the co-dependency advice.
Is it out of line if I refuse to visit her home as long as he is living there? (It's my father's childhood home and he's trashing the place with his "projects".)
I'd go see her because the last thing you want her to feel is like he is the only person who cares. I wouldn't talk about the will since it might make her include him, I'm sure it was written before he crawled in to her life.
Too bad your Aunt didn't shoot him. If that isn't enough for your Mom to see him for scum then she is willing blind. Did she ever go to grief support counseling? Perhaps, you can tell her you need to go and would like her to go with you. Maybe she can be given some tools to see.
Have you thought of getting your mom involved in things that will leave her less lonely? Church groups, a senior center, adult education or hobbies for people her age?
Everyone in your family needs to go to grief counseling. I think its pretty shitty to say you don't want to meet him and don't want to know about him. I also think your Mom needs counseling for the fact she would rather be with ANYONE than be alone.
Maybe we can set her up with my Dad : )
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I was still in the midst of tremendous grief when she told me about the boyfriend. My counselor at the time advised me to be honest with my mom about what I needed, because talking about her boyfriend was so stressful for me. I was pregnant and having regular panic attacks that started after my father died. My therapist was concerned about the impact of stress on my pregnancy and baby.
I stopped grief counseling once the panic attacks stopped but am thinking about going back.