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Opinions? Family rules /w baby
Backstory: I came from a family with two kids: me & my younger brother; DH, on the other hand, has ten siblings. As a young girl (mid-teens) I always liked holding other people's babies, but usually got shafted to the sidelines (I would ask to hold a baby, request was promptly forgotten, and someone else would get it). Now, there are the types who want to be "mommies" from age five, but I wasn't crazed or anything, just enjoyed getting to hold them, ya know? DH's sisters, (9, 13, and 15) and his brothers, for that matter, are the type who always are holding someone's baby. They must a have a knack for it, idk.
Well, now DH and I are expecting a little boy in Sept., and I am wondering what you all think of the rule I want to establish. Basically, I don't want to over stimulate our son just after making his debut, so I'm thinking of requesting that, other than both sets of grandparents, nobody hold the baby for the first week. I want DH and I to have a chance to adjust and welcome our son in peace, w/o a bunch of people waiting "in line." After the first week, when I've had a good chance to bond with my son, we can ease up a little.
So what do you think? Reasonable, or too Gestapo?
Re: Opinions? Family rules /w baby
Well, the idea that this will be the first week and so that you can "bond" w/ your son.... I find it weird, to be honest.
I can understand not wanting a ton of people holding him - being so young and tiny, just the idea actually makes me kind of nervous!
But the fact is he comes from a large family, they are all going to want to meet the new family member as soon as possible, and yes, they are going to want to hold the baby.
If you want to try and limit that w/ a germ argument, sure, maybe that would fly. But your argument of wanting to bond w/ your son just comes off as weird. Their being at your house for, oh, lets say, 2 hours and taking turns holding your son isn't going to get in the way of you "bonding".
And honestly, the first couple weeks, I was so fricking TIRED that a whole lot of bonding didn't really happen. We were purely in survival mode. Which is just general advice- dont' over-romanticize what the first couple weeks at home will be like!
If you want to limit how many people come over at a time, go for it. If you want to say "no visitors" the first week, go for it. But if you invite everyone and then say "Oh, sorry, just the grandparents can hold him because I don't want anyone to get in the way of our bonding" is jsut weird (yes, I realize you probably wouldn't literally say that, but just the concept of it is hard for me to grasp onto).
I think you need to talk to yoru DH and ask what he expects will happen, and work with him to come up w/ a game plan on how the first couple of weeks will go. I will say that w/ his family being big - there does need to be a degree of respect where they aren't all coming over to your house all the time. You need your space, you need your time to figure out your new life, etc.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't think I like it.
You're well within your rights to limit who holds the baby but this reason seems contrived--probably because it's contrived.
I think you're crazy and bound to offend a whole shitton of family who love your baby son.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
I think it's not a great idea to make up rules for a something that hasn't happened yet.
You have no idea how you'll feel after this baby is born, you do not know how the first weeks will go or how you will feel when your family and your DH's family meet your baby. I think you should just go on your instincts when you're in the situation, rather than making up rules that make little sense now.
I think you'll come across as wierd. Plus, there will be times in the future where you will be so darn RELIEVED that someone else is offering to hold the baby, and that might not happen if you alienate people early on!
My only rule would be that if people are sick/germy/dirty they can't touch the baby. It's normal for new moms to be germ-conscious (until their precious LO starts eating dirt on their own!).
Plus, if the baby is sleeping, they won't even notice if they are being passed around!
I think this is the best idea. Thank you so much! I really do like my in-laws and wouldn't want to offend them. This seems like a great way to drop off the radar for a little bit, without hurting anyone's feelings. Thanks again!
Do what feels right when the time comes, not what may or may not offend or affect your bonding. Some mothers bond the instant they hold their babies and many more mothers do need those first few "low activity level" days at home to spend some quiet adjusting time. Just go with what feels right to you and your H when the time comes. And don't let some people beat down your front door unless you're ready to open it to everyone
I can understand where you're coming from. You're about to be a new mom; you're dealing with a family that's very different than yours was while you grew up, etc. You're trying to do what you think is best for your baby. But I do think you're worrying too much about this.
Actually, the first week is a great time for everyone to hold the baby, because the baby doesn't really get "overstimulated" or "confused" by this type of handling until it's a little older. Your best bet is to let everyone get it out of their systems at the first visit.
And at subsequent visits, when the baby is old enough for all that handling to become an issue, I think you'll find that overstimulation tends to be a self-correcting problem. When too many people have been in the baby's face, it will cry. Then they'll promptly give the baby right back to you, and you can whisk it off to the bedroom for a little quiet time. You're not going to have to convince anyone to let go of a fussy baby, I can assure you!
You don't have to make it into a rule, or a big deal. Just don't let it happen. Find excuses you can use... "he's sleepy, he's asleep, we're trying to get him used to his bed..." there are a ton. Most people will get the hint after one "no" and will leave it alone. If they're not "most people" just ask for your baby back once you see someone else holding him.
Is this the bridge you want to die on? Because it can turn into that if you're not careful. I'd suggest being careful.
If I was your friend and you told me that you wouldn't be up to any visitors in your first week with a new baby, I would understand.
If I was a friend or relative and you told me that you were establishing a rule against holding the baby so as not to confuse/overstimulate him, I would think you were a psycho.
And I also have to add that, if my brother or sister had a baby and didn't allow me to see/hold the baby for a whole week, I'd be royally pissed. I could totally understand them not wanting a marathon hospital visit or not wanting me to hang out at their house for hours after they just brought a newborn home ... and if I had young children I could understand my brother/sister asking me to keep them quiet and do a "look but don't touch" rule (or just leave them at home and let them meet the new cousin when things calm down). But asking me to wait an entire week to get to hold my new niece/nephew is pretty darn cold.
Your "backstory" is totally irrelevant. Are you so bitter about being "shafted to the sidelines" that refusing to let your DH's siblings hold the baby will make you feel better?
It doesn't seem like this is really about the baby's wellbeing.
Hell yeah.
I had a friend like you once...her kids are a mess, and she is up their arses 24/7. They are now 21 and 19. She lost many friends due to her "rules". After this one youlll come up with another and another....
ITA. It seems like some weird control thing you've got going on here. This is NOT about the baby, this is about you.
Pastry - awesome marathon time! Congrats
You'll show those fvckers! How dare they be mean to you when you were a itty bitty girl!
Why do some women with newborns turn in to such control freak monsters?
Enter Freud....
I think by the baby's third day you will be so exhausted that you will hand the babe over to a monkey if it means you get to rest/shower/pee/eat. Ditch "rules". Like others have said, there will be plenty of excuses you can make that don't sound tacky.
Best parenting advice I was ever given is to pick your battles. Being surrounded by a loving family that will adore your child is priceless and bending a little will be completely worth it in the long run.
I think you need to chill the eff out - also your backstory provides no real, valid reason why your ILs shouldn't hold your baby. If you guys want some time to yourselves, fine, but cross that bridge when you come to it, who knows how you're going to feel at that point.
Are you really only 19?
I know I'm going against the tide here, but you are completely within your rights to call that 1st week your new family time. We did it and were very happy that we had it, it was a great "bonding" experience. Yes, I loved my DD even before she was born but that 1st week was wonderful to have her there and my DH on FMLA leave. It was especially important to us since my husband and I have different work schedules and we don't always get to be home during the same hours. We did however, welcome some close family & friends to the hospital to see her before that week started.
You have to be very sweet when talking to others about it, but ultimately you have your own family now and you have to do what you & your DH think is best for it. Everyone else (though you love them) is secondary to that. A previous poster suggested a meet the baby gathering at the end of that week, which I think is a great idea. However, I would recommend seeing if your mom or close friend would be willing to host it.
Yes, I am. I get that question a lot.
Wow, you'd think I was planning to put a cage or moat around the baby, or something. There are lots of babies in DH's family; it's not going to kill them if they don't hold him for a week. I'm glad you all aren't my ILs, because I don't think I'll catch nearly as much hell from my own. And it's not that I'm bitter toward people who got to hold babies when I didn't, but this time, it is my child, and I don't want a game of hot potato to be taking place mere hours/days after his birth. Contrary to common misunderstanding, I am not a control freak, I just want to be left in (relative) peace for a little bit.
This almost begs me asking if you are really grown women. If I had known that you aren't, I would have avoided the hazing rather than risk asking for some mature advice. I still make exception for ILoveRedVino, hlashley, and Life&Gwen,whose comments were actually constructive. Thank you again, for at least attempting to understand the situation.
Oh jeez. Ok, I totally understand not wanting people to come over once your home, you're going to be sleep deprived, recovering and caring for your newborn. I think the idea of a bbq or some kind of party a few weeks after his birth IS a great idea. However, I think it's your 'no one can hold the baby other than the grandparents' for the first week coupled with your backstory that is odd. I can't imagine my SIL telling me I couldn't hold my niece or nephew when I went to see them at the hospital, that's just weird. Yes, it seems extremely controlling.
I don't think anyone said you have to let people play hot potato with your baby immediately after he's born. We just suggested that, if you plan to have visitors during the first week, it's a bit unrealistic to think you can tell people they can't hold him. There's nothing wrong with wanting to take some time to settle in and adjust to life with the addition to your family- just tell people they have to wait a little while to see you.
YOU posted here, asking for people's opinions. I'm not sure why you did that if you have already made up your mind and won't be swayed by anything internet strangers have to say.
"I don't think anyone said you have to let people play hot potato with your baby immediately after he's born. We just suggested that, if you plan to have visitors during the first week, it's a bit unrealistic to think you can tell people they can't hold him. There's nothing wrong with wanting to take some time to settle in and adjust to life with the addition to your family- just tell people they have to wait a little while to see you.
YOU posted here, asking for people's opinions. I'm not sure why you did that if you have already made up your mind and won't be swayed by anything internet strangers have to say."
(for the benefit of renegade gaucho, I would like to clarify that it is not yet decided upon who we will be having for visitors, and no, we wouldn't let people in the room and then tell them not to hold the baby)
Asking for opinions is one thing. Asking to be ridiculed and lobbed with insults is another. If you ladies on here want to be thought of as mature, you are failing miserably. I am not opposed to hearing an alternative opinion; I just figured on getting it in a quasi-intelligent form, rather than people just tearing me down.
I'm not asking anyone to be all sorry for me or anything, I'm just shocked to see grown women stepping right up to ridicule a teenager. Oh yeah, way mature. Sheesh.
Oh for the love of pete.
You are having a kid, you don't get to play the "I"m the poor teenage victim of online ridicule" card because you asked for opinions and didn't get the response you wanted. It's that attitude that makes people say "wow, you sure act like you have the maturity of a teenager" to people on here under age 25.
As far as not letting people come in the room then saying "NO, you can't hold the baby!" that's EXACTLY what it sounds like, in your posts, like you're planning to do.
Believe me, I'm not about to play "poor teenage victim of online ridicule" card. I mentioned my age because people seem to think of it as mutually exclusive to maturity, only to promptly prove their own lack thereof. Look, I'd love to hear real mature opinions (opposing opinions included), but if gals are just going to be jerks, then I don't think anyone can expect me to listen to their "advice." I'm not intimidated, I just think that, in this case, telling me that I am immature is the pot calling the kettle black.
In reference to paragraph two: hence my clarification.
You're coming across as a little bit psycho, which is why you're getting the responses you're getting.
If you wanted to limit the holding because it's cold/flu/germ season, that's one thing. But doing it because you kept getting ignored as a teenager (which it turns out, you are still one which is probably why you're still holding onto that angst) is just ridiculous.
It's YOUR baby. If someone is holding him and you want him back, all you have to do is reach out and take him. The kid isn't going to be overstimulated. The kid isn't going to be confused, internally thinking "gah! I thought that one was my mommy, but now I don't know!!!!" The kid is going to know you're his mommy and just by virtue of being his mommy, you'll be the closest person to the baby for quite a long time. And you'll get to hold him plenty over the next few years. And newborns eat like every 90-120 minutes. So you'll likely won't get a stretch of time without having to drop everything to hold the baby for as long as it takes to feed him. That pretty much precludes the scenario you're envisioning where everyone is passing the baby but you're not getting to hold him (especially if you nurse the baby, which is regarded as the ultimate form of mother/baby bonding).
But again, you're just coming across as if this is to right the wrongs of the past, and it's probably going to alienate people. And by the way, one of those people could be your husband. Guess who the family is going to complain to when they're not invited to come see the baby the first week. Good luck with that.
Ok, I guess I'm a little confused as to what your question is, then.
I'm sensing a DD.
10 years from now you *may* look back and realize how stupid you sound right now.
This is why 19 year-old girls should WAIT to procreate.