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so, besides seeing a therapist and taking happy pills...
...what do you do when you're depressed and trying to shake it? (this got REALLY long, sorry).
i finally admitted to myself that i'm depressed and have been seeing a therapist for about a month. no great progress yet but it's a bit early for that. i do like the therapist i found and she's w/in walking distance to work, which is handy. i feel totally overwhelmed emotionally, what with d's travel job, my job (it doesn't speak to my soul), devin dying and everything that's changed because of it, living with someone w/ chronic pain, being in debt, you fricking name it. we've made a fair bit of progress w/ $ lately but still, it stresses me out. and the 1950s division of labor in our house... egad. how the fvck did that happen? it can't be blamed on the travel job, either. the back sliding started long before that and i really resent d. and he knows it, and we've talked about it, and we'll probably do some
couples counseling for a tune up soon. we could use a little guidance getting out of some of the crappy patterns we've gotten into that we both want to change but can't quite seem to manage on our own. i love him to death and he's the right guy for me and i'm turning into a nagging, resentful biotch, and i hate her. she's an unpleasant person to be around. if i didn't have to work i wouldn't care so much. i'd be more than happy to do the whole holly homemaker deal, but i do have to work all day and then i pull the housekeeping shift as well and it's just... unfair and wearing. d's fine with hiring a house cleaner and that's great, but it's just him farming out responsibility, not taking it, you know? and then i feel like a whiner for complaining about a husband who is ready and willing to pay for a cleaner, no cajoling necessary. we should all have such problems.
one of my best friends moved back to the area a while back and lately i've been realizing what a disappointment it's been. she's expecting, which is really exciting and i'm really happy for her, but i haven't seen her since january. to be fair, partly it's been me being depressed and isolating. it's also that she lives in burlingame and i'm always hearing abut how she's gone up to the city for this, that and the other. while i can't say i blame her - sf *is* a lot cooler than sj - i feel really second rate. i'm so tired of hearing/reading about what she's been doing w/ her friends in the city when she hasn't bothered w/ me in ages. i know her life doesn't revolve around me and i know she's got a lot going on, but still. and i know i need to tell her this and i really don't want to.
i guess i'm just feel isolated and generally friendless. i've been getting back to exercising in fits and starts. it's an effort to make myself do it, so some days i do, some days i don't. same thing with beginning to eat better and get more rest. i try not to get down on myself the days i don't do well at any of them. i've been looking for a place to volunteer and i think i found one. i will check it out, i have a lap kitty that likes to be petted and fussed over. i feel like such a whiner because i have it so much better than a lot of people but that doesn't really help. i'm still depressed.
thank you if you made it through my pity party. i'm afraid to even look back to proof read it for fear i'll be totally horrified and my brain will explode from reading so much "oh poor me" in one place.
Re: so, besides seeing a therapist and taking happy pills...
I could have written some of this myself (especially the part about getting around to addressing issues that have been nagging at you as a couple and make you resentful of each other). All I can say is that I think pinpointing those issues and deciding you're doing something about them is a really helpful step (at least it's been for me). It actually feels good to finally prioritize those things and do something about them.
So I think it's really wonderful that you're seeing a therapist regularly and I'm sure it will be a help to you. I'm also guilty of feeling bad about feeling bad, when so many others have it so much worse. But, you feel how you feel and there's no point beating yourself up over it. Just do what you need to do to make yourself and your marriage better. You deserve it.
I wish I lived closer so we could get together - I feel like I'm slowly losing some friends too who are moving away and having kids. Maybe we should meet half way
Feel better and lots of hugs to you.
I also could have written this message myself. DH & I are starting therapy (again) for some of these same reasons. I also started therapy on my own, but was not comfortable with my therapist & have since stopped.
Lately, I have been trying to walk or do some other exercise most days. It helps me disconnect from all the crappy feelings I have on a daily basis. If you ever would like to join me, please let me know. It would be nice to have a partner.
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Sorry you have so much going on. It sounds like you are truly overwhelmed both physically and emotionally. You are for sure doing the right thing about seeing a counselor. I would just continue to be honest about what you are feeling and hopefully she can help give you some options on how to deal with the situations that come your way.
BTW...I am really sorry for your loss. It never gets back to the same and you can only learn different ways to cope with it.
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I'm so sorry. I've had major depression a couple of times in my life and there's no logic to it, you can't just talk yourself out of it, so don't feel guilty for "having it better than so many others". You did say "happy pills" so I am guessing you are on an antidepressant? That's what helped me the most to get past the acute phase of total lethargy, irritability and self-flagellation. Then, it took years of therapy to learn to deal with stress differently and decrease my overall anxiety level. I still have moments of course and I still get a lot of effects from hormone swings on my mood but it will improve with a lot of work. Your loss is terrible senseless tragedy and that will never go away, so I'm not sure how to deal with that, except to think that he would not want you to be miserable and if he could tell you what he wants it would be for you to be happy and think about him positively and carry on with your life.
I do remember walking around the streets of NYC when I lived there repeating over and over to myself that I'm not a good person or a bad person, I'm just a person and nobody's perfect. that helped me. I remember a lot of crying, that didn't help at all. It was a long time ago, I remember leaning on my parents and closest friends a LOT and that helped tremendously.
Again, I'm so sorry, I know it's very difficult. I hope your husband can see what he needs to do to help you but seriously TAKE THE CLEANING PERSON!! I have one every two weeks and that is the key to my sanity. Seriously seriously take it.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
I can relate with the cleaning stuff. Husband and I went through a stretch of that and wow, it is amazing how the amount of housework he does is directly proportionate to my happiness. You hit the nail on the head with the resentment emotion (and I think you're a feminist like me -- at least I know for sure you're not a lay down a take it kind of woman -- so it's probably an issue that hits extra hard and has lots of ramifications). I wish I knew what changed for dh to pick up the slack. I don't, except that he realized that it was something that directly affected my happiness. Can you take the cleaning lady as a stop gap and work out the big issues later?
Also, what about setting goals for yourself regarding your friend? I don't know if this will work for you, but I'm one of those people who loves lists and accomplishing things. What if you make it goal to plan one thing with this friend? Maybe meet her in SF in the next month? You'll probably enjoy it more than you think and who knows where it could lead.
As for the "lots of people have it worse than me so I shouldn't feel bad" sentiment... I know lots of people in life and on this board subscribe to that kind of thinking, but frankly, I've never understood it. No one -- including you -- has the right to invalidate your feelings. They're real. Suppressing them doesn't help anything. We all live within the context of our lives, so if it hurts, it hurts, no matter what someone else is going through.
Anyway, it sounds like you're on the right track and taking care of yourself. I truly hope you find peace and happiness because you deserve it. By the way, are you on Facebook?
that made me laugh! don't worry... i'm taking the cleaning person. not doing it would be a pyrrhic victory. yes, i'm taking anti-depressants. i shudder to think how miserable i'd be w/out them. this depression isn't like when i was in my 20s (before anti-depressants and while i was working out my major issues. god, what a pit of misery that was), but it's sucking.
I wish I could give some advice, but it honestly seems like you are doing so much to help yourself and are on the right track. The fact that you realize you're depressed and are being proactive is 90% of the battle, so you should be proud of yourself for taking that step. Just keep doing what you're doing. Remember, happiness takes effort and it doesn't happen over night. So don't give up hope and keep going.
As for your friend, I would say something to her. Something like, "I'm sorry I haven't been around that much lately, I've been feeling kind of down. I'm trying to get out of this funk and I want to see you more often, let's do that." She'll either be a good friend and be understanding and start to make an effort to see you too, or she won't be. From there you'll have to figure out what to do next.
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