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How would you handle this?
Dh has a friend that I frankly just don't like. He's becoming a source of conflict between us.
Mostly he drives me nuts because he's constantly telling us what to do. He's given us home ownership advice, gardening advice and yesterday, decorating advice about what I should do about colors in my kitchen! Once he even told me what I should do with my wedding dress. It's all done in a condescending, "let me tell you what you need to do" manner. And it's all freaking enraging because this guy can't keep a job to save his life, sleeps on a friend's couch, is overweight, smokes like a freight train and is kinda sexist and racist. (Yes, dh assures me he has some redeeming qualities and dh does seem to enjoy his company in a weird guy way.)
Yesterday when we were working on the insulation he showed up at the house without calling. We were busy so he spent about 45 minutes staring at me working and then dh suggested he try to fix our light and he tried. He then cleaned up our outdoor area pretty good and packed up the stuff in dh's truck -- which was nice of him. "Friend" drives this gigantic butt ugly old truck that I'm embarrassed about when he parks it in front of the house. It gets eight miles to the gallon and his girlfriend doesn't have a car so he's taken to finding places to hang out all day until he has to pick up his girlfriend from work because he can't afford to drive home across town. Yesterday, we stopped working to shower because we had dinner plans. All while we're running around, he's hanging out in his truck on the road in front of our house with his dog chained up in the bed. We leave the house and he's still there! Dh offered to let him hang out on our back patio, which I was not OK with (he stayed up front).
I would really love to say I never want to see this guy again. But I don't want to be one of those annoying people. Dh is right that one of the perks of buying a house is that you can have friends over to hang out. And dh needs to have quality friend time. Dh sees my point, but also thinks I'm overreacting. I am not OK with this guy just hanging out here to kill time. And I am sick to death of being talked to like I'm a 6-year-old. I think dh and I need to set some ground rules. But how do I do this -- particularly if dh thinks I'm somewhat overreacting? What would you do? And how would you get this "friend" to obey the ground rules?
Re: How would you handle this?
Seems like more of an issue of DH not seeing (and respecting) that you're not a fan of this guy. Until that happens, there are no ground rules.
Good luck. Don't know how to get DH to see it your way.
It sounds to me like he has "issues" that you are not going to be able to fix. I don't think he can help talking in a condescending manner and if you call him out on it he will probably say he has no idea what you are talking about. It's pretty tough to change a person's manner that doesn't want to be changed.
I am not sure what DH can really do without jeopardizing his friendship. It's pretty much a deal breaker to tell a friend they cannot come over because wife doesn't like him/her. I guess he could tell him to call first because sometimes it's just not convenient and then ignore calls if you don't want him to come by. But that would be a big step for your DH who sounds like he feels a little bad for this guy and maybe lets him hang round as much as he does out of sympathy to some extent?
so you will probably have to ignore him, or find a way of telling him directly how you feel as in "hey, when I want your opinion, I'll ask for it". Or "hey, we are going to have start charging you rent or at least put you to work if you are going to be here so much, please take the garbage out and sweep the floor."
if your dh has been friends with him for a while, and i believe from a previous post about this guy that he has, amyfelice made some very good suggestions that i think you might want to consider using. i think it might be more helpful for you to quit focusing on what your dh "should" do (or what you want him to do, which probably isn't going to happen) and what you CAN do.
i don't mean to be a jerk, but i think the best thing you can do for YOU is adjust your attitude. this guy isn't going to change who he is and he's your husband's friend. unless you want to become the kind of wife that i imagine you don't want to be (i.e. it's your friend or me) you only have control over yourself; how you react, how you act, and how much energy you spend letting this guy get under your skin. you don't like him, you don't have to like him, and yet you are spending a ton of energy on him. i am reminded of the line from female trouble (a john waters classic) when dawn davenport answers the phone. it's a wrong number and the other person apologizes and she says "you're sorry? you're sorry? that's 30 seconds of my life i'll never get back!" all the time and energy you spend on this guy... you're never going to get it back. if you can find some way to detach and adjust your expectations around him and your dh being friends with him, i think you'll be a lot happier. easier said than done, i know, but i'm just thinking that the only thing you control is you... including how much you let this guy be a source of conflict for you and dh.
Oh this is fun... My DH has only had one friend who I seriously disliked and thankfully they're not really in touch much anymore.
When it was me and my DH/his friend, I tried to make a conscious effort to differentiate between the things about him that were just annoying/not my cup of tea, and the things about him that were legitimate issues that needed to be dealt with. Him generally being annoying and fake? Not my problem. Him changing his RSVP to our wedding three or four times? Definitely something to address.
Things like your DH's friend talking down to you are annoying, but that's mostly just a character flaw that I think you can ignore and/or laugh off. Frankly, based on how you described him, he sounds kind of insecure and like it's easier to critique and advise others than deal with his own shortcomings. I agree with pp's though that it's not something you can change about it; let it roll off your back.
Things like showing up without calling first, or hanging out in your front yard when you're not even there... I'd calmly explain to DH that this bothered me because I felt like my home and boundaries weren't being respected (or whatever the specific reason is), and to please talk to his friend about them. If your DH won't do that, then that's something to work out/figure out with your DH - why does he feel your concerns are not legitimate? Is he more worried about upsetting his friend than upsetting you? Not saying to bring this up angrily or as a guilt trip, but as real questions. It's your home too so if you guys have a disagreement about what's acceptable and what isn't, that has to be solved.
The guy is terribly insecure, has very very low self-esteem and is jealous of what you & dh have (as people and as a couple). That is why he tries to tell you what to do in a condescending way and speaks to you like a child. Ignore him. You are the one with a relationship and home. Honestly, I'm feeling a little sad for the guy. He doesn't have anything going for him and he is grasping at any chance he can to connect with someone (hanging out in front of your house, dropping by unannounced, trying to tell you what to do/trying to be involved in your projects). Don't let him get to you and while I know it can be very annoying while you are listening to his unsolicited and misguided advice but really, who cares? It is your life, your home, your garden....ignore him. His input is absolutely pointless and without any influence.
About his friendship with dh. You are in a losing position - if you tell dh not to have anything to do with him, you will lose big time. Dh will be pissed and so will the friend, creating a situation where he will just try harder and put pressure on dh to tell you that you are wrong. Dh will be torn and angry.
SO...the best that you can hope for is to set some groundrules. Ground rules that would apply to all friends, not just this one. Then, unless the friend actively causes problems in your relationship (such as talking against you or starting fights), just accept the friendship, ignore the friend & disengage as much as possible when he is around and let it run its course. I suspect that dh will get tired of his lifestyle in time and the friendship will peter out.
I'm sorry. I know it is no fun and it's a sticky spot. Hang in there!
Lighthouse State Beach, Santa Cruz.
Just to go a different route than the Get Over It/Ignore Him camp, have you thought of just dealing with it head-on?
Like, when he's condescendingly telling you which fertilizer to use, saying (in your best public-persona, never-know-when-you're-gonna-need-him voice), "I'm trying to hear what you're saying, but I feel like you're been very condescending to me right now, so it's hard to listen."
You don't have to be nice, but you do have to be polite.
OR you can excuse yourself when this guy comes over. I don't imagine your DH prefers his company to yours.
Also, it's perfectly OK (IMHO) to say to your DH, "I'm not comfortable with him hanging out at our house when we're gone. Do you want to tell him he's got to find somewhere else to go, or should I?"
Oh, he's totally insecure. Dh says he feels like he can gain respect by impressing people with the things he knows. Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect.
Dh and I talked and agreed that calling before he comes over and not hanging out here when they're not doing something together is something we (dh and I) both want. The guy actually called today and wanted to come over and dh told him no.
As for the rest of the stuff. I don't know. Dh says I need to pretend I'm a guy and talk to him like a guy. As in, not get upset or emotional about it, but when he says something obvious to just say, "Dude, I know how to garden."
I secretly love S's idea above, except that I'm really bad at confrontation (though I did kind of lose it on him a few years back when he was working out with us in our garage. Instead of stopping his behavior, he just stopped coming over.) Unfortunately I think any attempt at me telling him I don't like something is just going to be viewed as "she doesn't like me."
I also like the idea of making myself scarce when he's around. I kinda did that the other day and missed a lot of the "make sure your paint matches your tile" type comments. I suppose it's possible to do that without feeling like I'm being banned from my home, right? Anyway, I'm rambling. Thanks for the insight ladies. It really does add a fresh perspective to things. And thanks for letting me vent.