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Re: How to make a marriage work happily after an affair?
How many years has it been a work in progress? and how many years do you spend working on something before you realize it can't be fixed?
I think the whole thing happened 8-ish years ago, give or take.
Personally, I wouldn't want to put that effort into something that was broken. My H would be long gone if he did that to me. But my aunt and uncle felt differently. I respect their decision, and admire that they were able to do that. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, and I definitely think that no one can answer the question of "can it work?" or "should we try?" Only OP can make that decision.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
My father was a cheater and my mom knew of at least 4 times until he finally left her after 23 years of marriage for the one he was cheating with. So, from my perspective, he was lying to you and cheating at a VERY VUNERABLE time in your life. It shows something for him to go outside the marriage everytime things get tough and I'm sure it isn't the last rough patch you will go through and it DOES NOT excuse his behavior.
First of all, if he isn't 110% honest with you now, how will you ever know if he is telling the truth or lying and are you willing to live that way? How will you deal if he is late for dinner? How will you deal if he is away on business? How will you feel if he says he has a lunch meeting or dinner meeting with someone? How do you know it won't happen again? How do you know he won't be vunerable? Will you trust him?? My mom stayed and she walked on eggshells ALL the TIME. Her defense was that she loved him. As a child in this household, I felt it. I knew she didn't trust him. It sucked.
What would you tell your child to do if they were in your shoes? Would you tell them that they should stay and fix it if their partner refused to tell the truth???
Honestly, as a child in that house... I want to say to you that you have a chance to be happy. You have a chance to live without feeling like something could happen at any time and that you have a partner you don't trust. You can change things so your children will never know a mom who was so concerned with staying that she wasn't truly healthy or happy. The most important thing for a child is to feel secure whether you've done something good or bad and that your parents will stick by you no matter what. How can you and your husband be an example of this when he won't come clean??
And if you stay, you have to either really let go of it completely, meaning no checking up on him, no wondering, no holding onto it to use in an argument... nothing. Can you do that? (I couldn't)
If their relationship is still a work in progress after ten years, then they're not truly happy.
I don't know. I think a relationship is always a work in progress.
As for her self esteem, you are probably right. I don't know. She hides it well if that is the case, but I wouldn't be shocked.
Like I said, my H would have his d!ck cut off and I'd be out the door, but to each their own. If they want to work on it, more power to them. I'm not going to judge.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
Ugh, this whole thread just makes me sick for the OP. Alyson, why did you allow the affair to continue for 6 months while you knew what was going on? You would have been much better off laying down an ultimatum at the time and then splitting if he couldn't get his act together, especially since you are not financially dependent on him. Now you have invested much more time and emotion into this douchebag than necessary, and I'm willing to bet that both your self-esteem and mental health are ruined. At this point, I really don't understand what is keeping you from consulting a lawyer, taking your children, and moving out.
He is not being truthful with you about the affair. And if he knows that you check up on his accounts that you know about, what makes you think that he hasn't just gotten better at covering his tracks? Do you know for certain that he hasn't made another email address (or two or three)? Hell, if he wanted to, he could even have bought a track phone and pay for it every month in cash.
Your husband did just make one big mistake, he is a LIAR and has made a series of mistakes and told you a series of lies for more than 18 months now. This is a huge character flaw. What are you getting out of this marriage at this point that makes it worth keeping?
And for god's sake, get yourself tested.
1. There is a big difference in cheating on a boyfriend early in the relationship and cheating on a person to whom you are married.
2. There is also a huge difference in your attitude towards your cheating and the attitude of the OP's husband towards his affair.
3. If her H is continuing to lie, I don't think that continuing to probe for answers counts as "using it as a weapon."
I agree with what most people are saying.
However, I'm fully comfortable based on what you have said, with assuming 100% he selt with her. Am I 99% sure? Yes. But I do think there is a chance he didn't.
Not that, IMO, it matters. He still cheated and I don't think I could get past that. But I think most people are focusing on the fact that he is still lying and we don't know that 100%
I do think, if you want to stick around, you both need to go back to therapy.
Yes- in the beginning, I was a total dumbass. When I first found out, I was completely shocked and was doing everything to keep our marriage and our family together. I didn't realize the serious nature of their relationship, as I thought I had found out just 4-5 days after their first date. I didn't find out until 2 months later they worked together. Of course, he was still telling me lies that they had ended things. Of course, I googled her name, and found out that she had a same e-mail address as my husband. That started a whole new fight in itself. We just wanted to get past the holidays, and we decided to go to therapy in January. Supposedly things were done. It was end of April when I found the next. They didn't end up meeting that day, so to my knowledge, the last time they went out was in January right before counseling. As the months went on, I found out a lot more information regarding their past, but I could never bring it to myself to leave. Especially for our kiddos. He is an amazing dad and an amazing person. I was willing to do anything to give them a great life with two parents. They were my first priority over my own happiness.
There were many tears shead, a lot of arguments, and many nights tha we would go without speaking. Through counseling, we did get to the root of the problem and realize that the reason he cheated is because I wasn't giving him the emotional needs he required, and obviously- found someone who did. We have come to terms on how we got where we did, and what we would do from preventing it again.
But as one woman said- of course it's going to destroy your self esteem and self worth. My entire life was turned upside down in the matter of moments of learning of the other woman. I would be lying if I said that if I did divorce him, the mentality is that hell, he cheated, so would any other man I choose to share my life with- so what's the point? He's the LAST person I would have every thought of doing such a thing.
He swears up and down that he has learned from his mistakes and would never allow this to happen again. He says is extremely sorry, ashamed, and disgusted in himself. He looks at her know and gets sick to his stomach. (I would too!)
But, we have both realized that we were both very different at that time in our marriage, an dI feel he has learned from it. I think he is scared to say anything because he thinks that would be his ticket to a divorce. I know so much already, so why can't he just admit that. Yes, there is the very small chance that he did not sleep with her- but I don't believe that in my heart.
He is a good man who made and extremely horrible mistake. We all know that. I don't know why it makes a big deal if he actually slept with her or not, but I think it's just the point I think he is still hiding that from me. Only those two know the truth. I guess I'm just trying to find a way to look past it, and love again.
I always say that you can't really judge until you are in the person's shoes. I always swore to myself that I would NEVER stay with someone after they cheated, but I guess it's a little different once you experience it, have 8 years of memories, two kids, a home, a life....
I'm sure every person on here has made a bad mistake or two, but would that make them a horrible person because of it? No, he was not a great person or husband at the time, and I will never look at him the way I did 2 years ago, but still doesn't change that he is a wonderful father and so many people around us adore him.
The highlighted above rubs me the wrong way. You need a new therapist. I don't care what you did, cheating was 110% his choice. You weren't giving him the emotional needs he required? Bull$hit! Mature adults have conversations about this, they don't put there cok in someone else. NONE of this was your fault. None. NOTHING you do will "prevent" this. Only HE can prevent this. I suggest a new counselor and more counseling.
If he isn't taking 110% responsibility, then he doesn't want this to work.
Honey, this isn't just a mistake. Please go reread your update. This is a lng term deception. This is well beyond a mistake. THis is a part of who he is.
Why does it matter if so many people adore him? He's not husband material. He just isn't.
I'm sure most people haven't made a "mistake" so bad as carrying on an entire side relationship and deceiving someone who trusts us, no. It's not that doing so makes him a horrible person - it's that he's a horrible person that made him feel that it was okay to do this.
And I am snorting at "many people around us adore him". You know who else was widely well liked? Ted Bundy.
This is utter hogwash, IMO.
So, HE'S a cheating ba$tard, yet somehow through the miracle of counseling you've determined that it was really your fault that he cheated because you were "having your emotional needs filled" by the then-3-month-old infant.
Hogwash.
First of all (and I say this also as a mother of 2) is it really accurate to say that YOUR emotional needs were being fulfilled by the baby? Your time was probably filled, and your ability to minister to HIS emotional needs was probably disrupted temporarily. It's natural for both parents, and probably especially the mom, to be focused on the changing dynamic in the family when a new baby arrives. But that doesn't mean that either spouse gets a free pass to seek comfort elsewhere!! Being distracted/emotionally distant/temporarily unavailable/not wanting sex when you're recuperating from childbirth does not make this one bit YOUR fault.
Secondly, no wonder counseling only lasted a month. It was a slam dunk from his point of view. It put the brakes on your thoughts about ending the marriage and successfully transferred a large chunk of the blame for his cheating onto you.
I'm not going to weigh in on whether marriages can be "saved" after infidelity. But I think for you to even contemplate moving forward, you both have to get real. You need to stop accepting the blame and he needs to come clean to your satisfaction.
I agree completely. This is TOTALLY his fault! He didn't have to CHOOSE another woman, but he did. I know that this was not my fault. In no way does it make it "okay" to fulfill your emotional needs elsewhere. I do not blame myself for his bad decisions. I do blame myself for allowing our marriage There are many times I think he was a POS for doing this, don't get me wrong. I'm just to the point where I'm trying to get past this....
My Dad is the one who cheated 4 times at least and my mom swore she'd NEVER kick him out because she loved him so much and he was a wonderful man and wonderful father and even when he left her after 23 years she insisted that he was a great dad and husband.... seriously, how can you call someone that who didn't give you a second thought before putting himself above you? How can you say that about someone who didn't think of his children or his affect on them?
And honestly, it isn't about a two parent household that a child should have growing up, but two parents who are truly happy and not one that keeps you worried or upset...I wish my mom had left after my father's first affair...so, he strung her along for year and years, destroyed her self esteem and she still believes that she can't be happy. I HATE that my mom didn't stand up for herself and do what was best for her because that would have been what was best for my brother and I also.
And honestly, after having a child is a very vunerable time in a woman's life and that was REALLY crappy of him to do to you... don't you see that every man doesn't do this and why do you blame yourself for not being there for him... he wasn't there for you when you needed him! Please, ask yourself how long you can seriously do this for... why do you think you deserved to be treated this way??? You can never guarantee that it won't happen again... and I find it hard to believe that you won't always wonder if he is telling you the whole truth about anything.
Whatever you do... good luck, but please don't think that the children need a home with two parents at all costs!
I know this must be a terribly conflicted, confusing time, so you have my complete sympathy. In no way do I want to minimize how difficult it must be to see your way through this confusing tangle.
I read this earlier today and the whole "I was having my emotional needs met by the baby, so that's a contributing factor in this whole mess" bit stuck out to me, but I didn't have time to reply during the work day.
I just feel, in my heart of hearts, that that's cheating-guy speak for "you weren't meeting my emotional needs because the baby was keeping you so busy."
Well, I've been through that first 3 months with a new baby. Twice. And you know what I say to your husband, and all the other husbands out there? I say, "You're double-darn right I'm not going to be as emotionally available to you during this time!! And also, I'm not going to be as sexually available or interested during this time, especially if I'm breastfeeding the baby. YOUR job, during this time, husbands, is to suck it up and do your part to support your wife. Not to make her already difficult life more complicated by whining about YOUR needs, and certainly not to get your needs met out of the home."
OP, you sound like a lovely, compassionate, responsible, intelligent woman. And while I do think that there can be problems in marriages that precede and lay the groundwork for one spouse to cheat, I don't buy the whole "I was too focused on the baby" line.
Thank you so much JillShari- what a true statement, and so thoughtful. It really opens my eyes to see what is the absolute best for our kiddos. I want them to be happy, and sometimes, it doesn't take two married parents to make the best home for their children...
YOu are absolutely right neverblush.... I was, and will never regret having that time with my son. I think many mom's go through this, and unfortunately, my husband was being extremely selfish at this time, as many of your husbands were there to support you, and not back away from you when you needed them. You all have opened my eyes to better understanding that I shouldn't place any sort of blame on not giving him that attention during that time as I was a new mom to two kiddos, and still running a hotel at the same time- and still trying to be the best wife I could.
As for the lady who spoke about a long term deception. Wow. Good point. That's exactly what it was, and much more then just a big mistake. It was about 6 months worth of mistakes. Heartwrenching ones.
He does seem to be putting a 100% continued effort to make this marriage work again.. I guess we'll see what the future holds for us. At this point, I guess I must just think that this happened, an affair is and affair- and even if he wont admit the sex part- I will know it in my heart. I have to come to terms with it and put it in my past if I really want this marriage to work.
I think if this continues to happen, and I can't move on, then perhaps, it would be best to separate though, and let the kiddos still grow up with to happy parents, that just don't happen to live together.
Again- Thank you so much ladies. It's crazy to think I was on here 6 years ago as a newlywed- and here I am searching for advice to keep my marriage.
-Yes, its states me as a newbie because I'm not ready for my regular girls I used to always talk on here to know that we are going through this.
Alyson is my darling daughter. 
we did get to the root of the problem and realize that the reason he cheated is because I wasn't giving him the emotional needs he required
OMG I want to bang my head against the wall!!!
So, is it your fault or not? in one post it is and in the next you say it isnt. I'd say that is part of the issue right now.
It amazes me tht you got to the root of the problem in 1 month, and amazingly the root of the problem was you. No wonder you stopped going. Problem was solved for your H!
So, what if you have problems again? Will he put his P in someone else's V again? The root of the problem was not the state of your marriage, the root of the problem is that he is a liar. He needs individual counseling to figure out why he went to cheating and not to being an adult.
Who's decision was it to end therapy after just one month? How was that decision reached?
You've talked about therapy getting you to the root of the problem, but what about the rest? Why wasn't there months of therapy to help you get back and stay on track, to help you learn how to stay connected as a couple and be honest even when it's hard? Did you even discuss how weak he is to turn to another woman instead of addressing his problems with you, or why it took him months to choose you?
Your posts make me really sad, you seem to really want to and need to believe the best in him so that you can stay in the marriage, but from what you've posted I just don't believe it. You say he's such a good father- a good father does not disrespect the mother of his children, a good father puts his family first, and a good father would have been as wrapped up in your LO as you were those first few months, not turning to someone else.
As others have said, a mistake is a one time thing, this was months of deception and betrayal on his part. Really take a step back and ask yourself if this is a relationship you would encourage your daughter or best friend to stay in.
Belichick has hit the nail on the head. You keep saying that you were having your emotional needs met by your baby, but I don't think that's accurate. A baby is not an adult with whom you discuss your day at work, or what makes you happy and what is stressing you out. You don't share jokes with a baby or talk about where you see the family in 10 years with a baby. A baby isn't capable of supporting you when you're down or being happy for you when you enjoy success. The baby was not meeting your needs, you were meeting the baby's needs, as any good parent should. You were dealing with the stress and exhaustion of adjusting to a newborn, and it sounds like your husband not only failed to do the same, but he also had the time and energy to have a relationship with another woman. So really, it's your husband who was not meeting your needs. Your emotional needs were not being met by ANYONE during this time.
I agree with Belichick -- in an ideal situation, the husband would be just as wrapped up in caring for the new baby (or, if he's primarily working and mom is at home just as wrapped up in his expanded family responsibility) as the wife.
OP -- I know you are working hard to cling to your notion of your H as a "good father" and I will allow that he may have grown into that role more over the time since his affair, but the picture you're painting doesn't really support him as a "good father."
Everything you've posted makes me feel like he's engaging in serious damage control: sweeping stuff under the rug, cleaning up his act, deflecting the blame, minimizing his actions, you name it. Doing damage control is probably emotionally easier for him than to look at his actions and truly accept responsibility for them.
However, damage control isn't what YOU need. And damage control doesn't prevent him from doing the same thing next time he's tempted. You need him to engage in the real work of figuring out why he did this, not why YOU drove him to this with your selfish absorption in the children. And not how that harlot he works with tempted him into this. And not how he can get you to "get over" your stubborn lack of trust and forgiveness.