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MH and I are the villains in this story
So, my brother is in a relationship with a crazy, controlling, high maintenance, slutty, violent and abusive girl. I won't go into details other than my brother flat out told me he is afraid of her. He slept in my guest room for 3 nights while the jobless chick laid comfy in their condo driving their car. Meanwhile, he had to hitch rides everywhere. I know there are always three side to every story - but she has physically assaulted him at 6 times that I know of...one of which he climbed out of their 11 story balcony to get away from her.
After all the drama...they make up. And now we're the bad guys. She called me around Easter and I told her azz off telling her its not a good idea for her to come around as I am disgusted by her, have lost all respect for her and basically do not like her. My MOM is telling me I need to forgive her blah blah blah...but how can I? What do you do when someone you love is being abused. We rarely hear of men being abused but it happens and its happening to MY baby brother.
Aaaaaaaaahh! I want my brother to be in my life...I want him to know and feel he can come to me for anything...but how can I tolerate her? How can I be in the same room as her, smiling and acting like everything is gravy?? All I want for my brother is to be happy, treated with respect and loved. I don't think this girl can provide that. And while they are in their "honeymoon phase" of the endless abusive cycle...we all know it will happen again.
Thanks for letting me vent. MH and I have no idea how to handle this situation. BTW "they're engaged."
Re: MH and I are the villains in this story
I was actually in this exact same situation a year ago...except my brother wasn't engaged to the psycho-slut. But they had been dating about five years. There really wasn't much I could do.. My family and I tried to have conversations with him and tell him that it was unhealthy and he deserved better, but he wouldn't listen. So we just had to deal with it.I basically just ignored her whenever we were in the same room. I had as little contact with her as humanly possible. My brother knew how my sister and I felt about her, so he didn't bring her around very often. My parents were always begging me to the be the bigger person and be polite, but I didn't always listen to them.
They broke up for good last fall. Here's hoping your brother and his girl will do the same!
I feel your pain. It seems that fate has it in the cards for me to be surrounded by abused people. Friends, co-workers, random people I met on the street or at a party seem to be victims of abuse. Male domestic violence victims are very unheard of even now. Of all the people I have known that were or are abused, only three of them were men. And only two would admit it, and only one was willing to leave. It's harder for them then it is for women sometimes.
I can see where your mom is coming from. An abuse survivor once told me that what kept her in the abuse was the isolation. She had plenty of people that said "When you leave, call me, but until then I can't see you." Or would outright ignore her husband because of his scumbaggery, and he made her cut them off because they were the enemies. It's sad but every time she left, she had no one, everyone had changed their numbers, addresses, and their jobs, she felt alone. If it wasn't for places like WEAVE she would still be there. She told me that since she had lived through it, if one of her daughters ever had a man like her ex in her life, she would be nothing but kind to him. She would tell her daughter she will support her whether she stays or leaves, but she would keep that creep close and friendly, so she could watch him like a hawk and keep her child near, knowing that when she needs help she has someone with unconditional love willing to do anything for her. I respect her for that, because after seeing it for myself, sometimes the only way to make the victim feel like they have loved ones is to pretend to care/like the abuser.
But with that same breathe you can't always be that person. I can't. Not to all of the abuse victims I come across. I have left most of them alone, and almost all of those are still in abusive relationships. You don't have to be in the same room as this woman. One man I know has a very emotional abusive girl, who fooled us all and started to try to emotionally abuse me. This girl sent me for a loop and after some thought I decided that I could not, would not let her abuse me. So I cut off all contact with her. I smile angrily if we bump into each other at a social gathering but I haven't said a word to her in almost a year and a half now. He knows how I feel about her, so we don't talk about it, but I still see him. She is almost always around him so to talk to him, I have to be around her, and she has tried to engage me in conversation, I just ignore her and say something to him like "How is your mom?" It works for us I guess. She tries to manipulate him into cutting us off, but he has a huge belief in our friendship because we have known each other, and our families since we were babies.
I am sorry you and your brother have to go through this. I hope your brother wakes up and leaves her. Whatever you decide to do, cut her off or become her best friend to watch her, or somewhere in between, just make sure he knows how much you care, and make sure he knows how to reach you. You can't go wrong, if he knows you are there to be a helping hand.Check us out
my big screaming concern is that he turned to you before...and you are at odds with him and it happens again, who will he turn to.
Please just continue to let him know you are here for him and you'll support him no matter what
One of the hardest things to accept in life is that we can't make decisions for others. He clearly hasn't hit rock bottom. I know so many people who I want to shake and tell to wake up but they have to learn their lessons on their own. If you try to get too involved he will end up resenting you.
Try providing him with some literature on the issue and tell him that you think he is being abused and that it's not only a cycle but often the victim feels that they are at fault. Hopefully that will be the push he needs to take a look at his life and determine if he is being abused.
Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. I know I have to suck it up - what if - he really does marry her?? ::sigh::
I love my brother and I want to be a part of his life. I just wish she was not in it. I want him to be with someone more calm, peaceful and hardworking like he is. I don't even know where to begin. Do I talk to her in private? Do I just treat her as an acquaintence? Or do I act like nothing happened?