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Bummed about email from friend.
I have a college friend who has always had strong faith (great) and lately it seemed she was getting more and more involved with her church (great) and in her relationship with her God/god (great.) Up until her latest e-mail she was never overly preachy about things and really only talked about that part of her life if we asked specifically. (There have been a couple of comments that gave me pause, but were definitely not dealbreakers.)
WELL, she had e-mailed to ask how I was and I mentioned I had just been to the doctor and had my thyroid levels and other things checked because I had been extra tired and a little bit blue. She replied with a looooooooooooooooooooooooong e-mail about "popping some pills" will not solve my problem forever, it's only a quick fix. A close relationship with God is the ONLY way to feel better forever! That is the very abridged version of the email. She also said her friends she has made at church are her only "real true friends" who have helped her a lot in her life. (Gee thanks. Screw you too??) It left a BAD taste in my mouth. It was just dripping with religious pretension and preachy-ness which turns me off so fast it'll make your head spin. Yuck. I wrote back, "Thanks for your e-mail. I'm confident I will find something that will work for me" which prompted another long e-mail. Again she referred to her "real true friends" and how she hopes I just don't "pop some pills" or "go buy a new dress to feel better." 
In conclusion (hah), the whole thing made me VERY aware just how much she has changed in the last few years. Since she doesn't appear to put much, if any, value in my friendship with her, what's the point?!? I feel like I have to edit EVERYTHING I say lest I be judged or open up a pandora's box of sermons from her. The part that bugs me about it is that it feels like she thinks her way is the only way and she's "doing me a favor" by bestowing all of this precious knowledge on me. And I can't STAND that mentality. I couldn't help but picture her patting me on the head while writing her e-mail.
SIGH. It bums me out but I just don't think I can handle being friends with the person she has become. Having strong faith and a personal relationship with God is fine if that is your thing but shoving it down my throat and making me feel awful for not believing the same thing?? That BUGS ME. My other friend also got a similar e-mail but since she just had a baby hers was all about "not losing yourself to mommy-hood and making sure to find some friends!"
DOUBLE SIGH. Thanks for letting me vent. Anyone gone through anything similar?
Re: Bummed about email from friend.
Ick. I completely understand how you feel and while I've never been in that sort of situatuion (at least not with friends - family members, yes, but that is a whole 'nother kind of "ick") - I think you would be well within your rights to respond that while you respect her beliefs and are glad she is so happy and confident in her new life/with her new "true" friends, you would appreciate if respected your lifestyle choices equally and did not use your friendship as an opportunity to preach.
If she cannot give you that sort of basic respect, then I think ending the friendship and/or stopping communication is perfectly reasonable. Clearly it isn't a friendship that means much to her if she doesn't consider you among her "true friends".
Sorry you are going through this!
Yuck. This is probably why I have no friends because I would have totally replied with something like "oh, I would never just pop pills to be happy. I go straight to the needles and prostitutes. Thanks for thinking of me!" And then she would hate me and I would feel momentarily smug and then wonder why I have no friends.
In my opinion, religion is just another thing for people to lose themselves in. It could be exercise, alcohol, school, whatever. Once you completely lose focus on the other areas of your life and start being a sanctimonious (I've used that word like 3 times today) ***, then you have a problem.
We're kind of going out.
Ew. Just your summary of her email made me feel icky. I would agree with PP that if she doesn't think of you as a "real friend" and will not respect others' opinions, then I would probably end the friendship. No one wants to be preached to, especially when she was making you feel so inferior. It's sad when that happens, but there's no reason to keep people around that don't add positive things to your life. I have had to end friendships (for other reasons) and it's never easy, but I am glad that I did and moved on with my life.
Ick, ick, ick. I have no advice, because I'm in a similar situation right now. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why my "best friend" had been distant for the past few weeks. Eventually, she came around again and gave me this whole song and dance about how she'd been sick, etc. Well, it turns out she lied. The truth came out today during an instant messaging conversation. Apparently, my expressing some of my anti-religous views on FB hurt her feelings. Rather than tell me the truth, she avoided me. She went on and on about how much I've changed since taking this Philosophy of Religion course I took this semester. Truly, I haven't (no one else around me thinks I have). I've just learned that it's just as important for the non-religious to have a voice as it is for the religious. I have just as much a right to my opinion as anyone else. I might have become more vocal about my views, yes, but they haven't changed.
SHE's the one who changed her whole worldview so that her ubber religious boyfriend would become her husband, and yet she always blames me for the chasm that exists in our beliefs. I'm really starting to question if I can maintain this friendship and if I even want to.
I just don't know what to reply back. I feel like I need to say something but I'm not sure what. Everything I start to write out ends up sounding like, "Screw you! You're not my friend anymore!" and I obviously don't want it to go that direction. Maybe I need to wait to respond since anything I'm writing right now isn't coming out in a respectful manner.
My biggest beef is her underlying tone of "I'm right, you're wrong!" and that she is somehow better than me for figuring out this magical answer that will solve all problems.
And who knows? Maybe she IS right... but that is for ME to discover and not for her to judge!! BAH. Religious superiority sets me off big time.
As I get older I notice more and more than those who toot their own religious horn the loudest are often the most judgmental. Gag.
I hate it when religious people do this. This isn't the way that the love of Jesus should be shared. When I was a teenager I probably would have spouted off in the same way. And after walking away from my faith for over 5 years and recently returning to it I've learned so much about life, accepting others for who they are, and love in general.
Religious people need to learn that sharing our faith isn't about cramming our beliefs down someone else's throat in an all or nothing way. It's about showing acceptance, love, and kindness to anyone that comes our way, no matter their lifestyle or beliefs. People are not touched by harsh words or condemnation. They are touched by faithful loving and kindness that does not end.
I think she truly believes she is showing me love by sharing this info. "I love my friend Jenny and I want to help her and this is how I think she should get help" type of thing. She's most likely clueless about how condescending she sounds. It's so frustrating. Part of me feels like if I respond in an intelligent polite way she would read it and say, "There there little lamb....you'll realize the truth eventually." But who really knows WHAT the truth is....? I am the only one who can find my own truth.
Sorry....I started responding to your post and then got sidetracked. :-)
I definitely do NOT feel accepted by her for being who I am. I now have a picture of her in my head of her sitting at her computer all smug and patting herself on the back for doing her "Christian duty" or whatever she called it.
W.W.J.D.?? He definitely wouldn't make people feel like second rate garbage!
BLAH. SIGH. DEEP BREATH.
I think this sums it up pretty well and would be a very genuine response to her email. GL with this situation.
Personally, I'd be calling it quits on this friendship, but people who try to push anything on me generally don't get to be my friends for long.
Ask HER if she still wants to be friends with YOU. Then inform her that said emails will quickly curtail any chances.
I have friends and family that have very different views on religion, politics, or whatever than I do, but we never bring up the subjects, because we'd like to continue our relationships. She should respect you enough to do the same.
Up until this point our group of college friends never really discussed religion or politics. Apparently she had had enough and this just came bursting out of her and she just HAD to say something. I feel like she's been thinking it all along though (maybe not to this full extent as I feel her religious convictions weren't nearly as strong before as they are now at her new church with her new "real true friends"....why it came out now I have no idea.) Maybe some of her "real true friends" talked to her about it and that was the decided outcome.
I'm bitter about seeming to be a "second shelf" friend. The devout Christian friends go on the top shelf and I go on the second shelf with all of the other projects she is trying to "fix" (or "save".....isn't that what some Christians say?)
Aaaaaaand....this is why I haven't responded yet. Because I'm still kind of pissed and would say something really mean. I don't want to burn any bridges...but I don't know that I want to cross that bridge again anytime soon, maybe ever.
That stinks. I've never dealt with this from a friend, just family and strangers (go figure).
First, trust your instincts and wait until you're a little less mad about it. Once you get there, imo you should focus on how you feel a lack of respect coming from her. Maybe something like: I am happy for you that you have found something that works for you (maybe that's not true...) and I respect your right to your religous beliefs. However your disregard for my opinions makes me feel like you do not have that same respect for me. I am sorry to learn that you do not consider me a true friend. Please do not send me any more messages of this kind."
I know that is a lot easier for me to write than it will be for you. It stinks that you were already feeling down and her response was to make it worse. I'm also glad you got a medical opinion for a change in mood and energy. Those can be signs of depression, or also signs of physical ailments too. I was dipping near anemia a few years ago and a simple multivitamin helped me. I'm guessing a relationship wth God wouldn't have helped me, nor will it you if it's actually a medical issue. Good luck and I hope you feel better.
I have not. I did call my other friend who got a similar e-mail (but hers was more geared toward being a new mom) and we vented together on the phone.
I don't know that I'll ever respond. Before, I would e-mail this friend quite often about random things friends email about and now I have zero urge to do that. I think I'll take it easy on communicating with her and if she ever notices and asks what's up then I might say something. I know she'll never change my beliefs and I know for shizzzzzle I'll never change hers.