Need suggestions about daughter

Bluenoser2009

Hi.  I am new to the board.  I am currently having a problem with my 10 yr old daughter.  She simply does not care about anything (which is nothing new, it just seems to be getting worse).  She doesn't care if she does a good job on her school work, doesn't take care of anything she owns (or anything we  or anyone else buys her).  She doesn't listen very well in school or at home. She does not put effort into anything. I could go on and on.

Do any of you have any suggestions on how to get a kid to care about these things.  Her sister is the complete opposite so I don't know how to handle it.  We have tried rewarding her if she does a good job- she doesn't seem to care.  We ground her from priveledges-she doesn't care.  I'm scared that this will get worse when she gets a little older and Lord only knows what she will end up doing-destrying peoples property, stealing???

DandelionMom

I think you might need to find a new method for discipline.  Some kids just don't respond to that kind of punishment/reward system.  Check out the book Kids Are Worth It.

For the school stuff, could she have a learning disablity?  There are lots of processing disorders that don't get noticed in bright kids who can do enough to "get by."  But the kids get frustrated and end up losing interest in school.  It seems like 10 is a pretty common age for that kind of thing to become a problem.  Anyway, find someone you can talk to -- the school will not (most likely) be your best resource for this because they don't want to find a diagnosis that will result in them having to spend more money. 

ZestofLime

I'm assuming you have seen her pediatrician and have ruled out medical problems? 

magsugar13

My suggestion is to get her to a dr. to see if there are any issues...learning issues? depression?

Her iisues may be deeper than you think they are.

Stop comparing her to her sister...

Any major issues in the family? Divorce? Death? illness?

kyrgyzstan

I was an SES instructor for a non profit, and one of my students was the same way as your daughter. He blossomed having someone else interested in his success, someone besides his mom and his teachers. It might be worth checking with the district for next year to see if they have an SES program/free tutoring. Our program cost the district, but was free to the students.

Besides that, it won't hurt for you and her to talk to a doctor/therapist, even the school psychologist/counselor.

mostlygrateful

No advice here. Just know you're not alone. 14 yo DS seems to genuinely care about how many girls are in his classes, and not much else. He gets good grades when we micromanage, which wears everyone down and I'm becoming convinced is counterproductive for him. I think next year he can keep up with his own assignments or not, but will earn priveledges for electronic devices only if all his grades are B or better (he's easily bright enough for  that).

12 yo DS enjoys the challenge of making straight A's. I have no idea why.

loves2shop4shoes

I second PPs.  After you've ruled out any medical issues, I'd have her see a therapist.  That's not a normal outlook on life for a 10 year old, unless she has depression or has been subjected to trauma.

renegade gaucho

If this has been going on for awhile, you might want to have her talk to a counselor.  Maybe there's something going on at school that she hasn't told you about, maybe there are some unhealthy dynamics in the home that need to be addressed, or maybe she has a chemical imbalance.

livingitup

I worked with troubled boys and it was common for them to completely check-out emotionally and not care about anything. It was a form of rebellion and hard to overcome. Then we got a training program for dogs. A few children were chosen to help train the dogs to become guides for people in wheel chairs. The change in those boys was amazing. They took their responsiblities very seriously, bonded with the dog (each was 'assigned' one) and were so proud of contributing to their success to help a person with a disability. The joy and involvement that spilled into every other aspect of their lives was remarkable. So, maybe that can give you a bit of inspiration.

Also, volunteer work could be very inspiring. At ten, it would probably need to be a family project but seeing that many people live with many hardships could be good for her. Also, her volunteer work might give her something to be proud of. And you'd have something to talk about and plan around that is positive and character building. You probably have some family shelters and soup kitchens in your area. And many nursing homes have good volunteer programs to simply visit a loney person who don't have family and friends.

LarissaAnn

Sounds like the kid needs counseling. Someone that young shouldn't be that apathetic and dejected.

amp2312

Your daughter sounds like me when I was her age. I was "diagnosed" with ADHD by a pedi and refused to take my meds. I went and had additional testing done, academically and psychologically and they concluded I was actually smarter than most kids my age and was bored and it wasn't actually ADHD it just wasn't that I was challenged or busy enough. I can say regarding school I never did very good until I was 16 and moved out of my house and got an apartment with my boyfriend who is now my husband BTW. I home schooled myself through our district and graduated 6 months early. It's may not be a learning issue in the sense of a "bad" thing, it may just mean she's bored!

renegade gaucho

amp2312:

Your daughter sounds like me when I was her age. I was "diagnosed" with ADHD by a pedi and refused to take my meds. I went and had additional testing done, academically and psychologically and they concluded I was actually smarter than most kids my age and was bored and it wasn't actually ADHD it just wasn't that I was challenged or busy enough. I can say regarding school I never did very good until I was 16 and moved out of my house and got an apartment with my boyfriend who is now my husband BTW. I home schooled myself through our district and graduated 6 months early. It's may not be a learning issue in the sense of a "bad" thing, it may just mean she's bored!

I think you meant to say you never did very well in school.  Also, how did moving out of your parents' house make school a more challenging, less boring environment?

amp2312

I was allowed to do things on my own time, because I had to and didn't have everyone looking over their shoulders at me or breathing down my neck to do so. I have been working since I was 15 and had a steady part-time job, an apartment and graduated with my diploma, not GED. I believe some children are just not meant to go to traditional school and I flourished at home schooling. I knew what I had to do and got it done, none of this going to class and chit chatting with the teacher or other classmates about things that didn't matter like who went to what party or what kind of fundraiser was going on. There is a time and a place for that and clearly English class was not that. There are so many distractions and peer pressure in school and I just wasn't into it. I don't regret any decision that I've made and am happy with the outcome of my decisions! It seems to me her daughter is screaming for more responsibility and freedom, that's what I wanted and I'm a more well rounded person because of my past experiences. My parents always gave me freedom to do the things I wanted to because they trusted me and even if I did something they didn't like or wasn't supposed to I always told them and was accepting of whatever punishment was handed to me. Like, you do XYZ and you know you shouldn't however I will give you the choice to do it or not but ABC will happen should you make the wrong choice.