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Planning trip / family drama
Last Christmas ended up being super duper uncomfortable. GIL (grandpa in law) said some REALLY hurtful things to SIL and now SIL, MIL, DH, and I are not that excited to make the trip to Des Moines again for any family gatherings any time soon.
SO...
Now that SIL is living/working in Tampa we're tossing out the idea of going down there for Thanksgiving and bypassing any family drama. It feels weird to me though because growing up holidays were all about biiiiiiiig family gatherings at grandma's house. That's just what was done. It is SO TEMPTING to do our own thing in FL and celebrate Thanksgiving with just the 4 of us. I'm guessing it would ruffle some feathers with the rest of the family, but feathers are already ruffled.
Has anyone else gone through something similar? I feel like I just need to adapt to the times and realize it's ok to have a "small" holiday. And warm Florida sounds nice. :-)
Re: Planning trip / family drama
I totally get where you are coming from because I grew up the same way with every holiday being a huge family gathering. DH's family is different because his extended family didn't live close by. It was quite an adjustment for me when I started spending holidays with his family and it was just his parents and brothers. WEIRD!
I think you should go FL to Thanksgiving if you guys want to go. It will probably feel weird but it's not like it's the last Thanksgiving ever. And you'll have Christmas to have your big gathering with family, right?
- Martin Luther King Jr.
Yes. We'll have Christmas with my family which has its own drama but not NEARLY as dramatic as DH's family drama.
Drama rama everywhere, haha. :-)
Eeep. Flights are spendy. Hmm.
I would say give FL a try. While it is incredibly hard to step away from the holiday traditions you knew as a child, part of marriage and growing up is starting your own "family traditions" - and if that means a smaller gathering without the drama, then so be it.
For me, the adjustment didn't come when I married (although it sort of did, I guess in the form of having to go to the UK . . . but that is a whole 'nuther issue) but after my mom died and my father remarried. He was ALLLL about big family gatherings suddenly. My mother was more an "immediate family" type person, so my sister and I were a bit jolted when suddenly Thanksgiving and Christmas were arranged according to my dad's family's schedule. Throw in my dad's new wife who has a family just a big as his (8 siblings) and suddenly my sister and I felt like "our" intimate family traditions were being tossed out the window..
At first we bitched and moaned about the changes and how it was hard enough to not have mom around but then to uproot us from our familiar traditions . . . but that got us no where and resulted in my father pouting that mom had kept us from his family and he never agreed with her on that . . . All sorts of drama resulted!
So - my sister and I have stopped fighting it and we do "our Thankgiving" our way, together at my father's lake house. My dad spends the day at his cabin hunting - - - which just happens to be down the road from his wife's family farm and most of her siblings (hmmm, what a coincidence!). He spends the day with her and her family and then the next day my sister and I trek to my Aunt's for ANOTHER Thanksgiving with all of my dad's family - and my dad joins us there - before returning to his cabin to hunt (WI is screwed up with its hunting season falling on the Thanksgiving holiday!).
Christmas we are still digging our heels in - we want the day to be just immediate family - but my father keeps insisting we go to his sister's house because everyone gathers there. My sister and I have agreed that we will go - but we will not stay for hours on end (even though it is an hour's drive each way). We make an appearance, we mingle, we leave. My dad often stays behind with his family.
We've been doing this for 5+ years and while it still doesn't feel like "normal" and my sister and I still whine about it, we are getting a bit more used to it. It is fairly flexible and stressfree and seems to satisfy everyone involved.
Good luck with your decision! Hopefully you will find a happy balance that feels right and you can make your own traditions!
You could try the Florida thing this year, and if you love it, continue that new tradition. If you don't like it and miss the big family gatherings that you used to attend, you can just make it a one-time break from tradition and not do it again.
It can always be presented to the rest of his family as your effort to support your SIL and her new home in FL. Or say that your SIL can't make it to MN (or wherever the usual big family gathering is), and you don't want her to completely miss her family on the holiday, so you're going to visit her.
My family's Thanksgiving celebrations have always been really small (parents, siblings, and grandparents) so I can speak from experience that small gatherings can still feel special and full of holiday spirit. You don't need 30 people and all the crazy family drama to make it a worthwhile holiday party. :-)
Mr. Sammy Dog
It's a little weird for me since it's not "my" family. I know DH wants to support his mom and sister (they were the two most heavily involved with GIL's nastiness). I witnessed some of it and it made my stomach churn so I would be perfectly happy not going down there. I wonder if DH's very dramatic cousin would throw a fit... her first baby is due in a month or so and I'm sure Thanksgiving will be ALL. ABOUT. THE. BABY.
The more I type it out the more I wonder why I'm not RUNNING to Florida to escape it all! I think my mind is made up....as long as plane tickets don't bankrupt us!
Ugh. I hate drama. And grandpas with no filters.
Oh yeah, except on my side of the family. We had big family holidays growing up and it's just expected that that's what is going to happen. A couple years ago my grandma and aunt made some comments about my brother and SIL and did some hurtful things to me. I haven't said more than a handful of words to them since. DH's family holidays are just the immediate family and really tame compared to my family (think big fat Greek wedding) so it has been a really hard transition. Plus, I don't get to see the family that I still talk to which sucks.
On the other hand, it has been sooo nice not having to coordinate two dinners every holiday. And of course I don't have to deal with the drama. Sadly, my life has been far less stressful and emotionally draining now that I've basically cut them out.
Tired after a long morning of hiking and swimming.
And....I would certainly be okay not spending a few nights on the World's Worst Hide-A-Bed!
All this Thanksgiving talk makes me want some turkey....
I agree with this. I never really had big holidays growing up because the closest family live over 2 hours away. H has a big family, but only a few of them live nearby. So now, MIL usually tells us what they're doing and we can either join them or do something with my parents. Last year we hosted Christmas, but that was a ton of work. Our families are laid back about holidays, which makes it easy on us. I say try something new this year and stay away from the drama!