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Personal Vent/Lost my ***/MC related post
2 of my coworkers are out on maternity leave and my boss's wife is due tomorrow, so baby talk is going around my work. I work at a hotel, FYI.
A regular guest asked me this morning "What are you waiting for? Isn't it about time that you've had a baby since everyone else has!"
I completely lost it. So embarassing, so frustrating, so overwhelming. I've done a pretty good job (IMO) holding it together over this rollercoaster ride of m/c, but she caught me at the wrong moment and completely off guard. She asked me/made her statement/rhetorical question and before I knew what was happening, I was crying. Ugh. Not the way I wanted to start my workday, but I was so overcome with emotions that I didn't even know what was happening. Very out-of-body feeling.
So - my little vent/PSA/lesson of the day - please, don't ever speculate about the contents of someone's uterus, because honestly - they might hate children. or they might want children so bad it hurts. or they may have just suffered a loss. or they might be indifferent - but whatever they are, it's no one else's business until the person being asked makes it their business, hopefully by their own choice. I know the guest wasn't intentional when she asked, she wasn't trying to be hurtful - but you just never know what someone has going on. Also - please show a bit of compassion, in general, for the people around you because you just don't know how they are feeling about life.
jack | born 9.13.12 at 40w4d | 9 lbs 12 oz | 23 in
my puppy loves - chloe & jenson
pregnancy blog | chart
Re: Personal Vent/Lost my ***/MC related post
Sorry. That must have been embarrassing, but like you said I am sure it was so innocent and it will likly be asked of you again...and again.
I had a co-worker who told us how rude she felt it was that her MOTHER was asking her about having children. She ended with a rather angry, ?I mean come on, what if I have been trying but I can?t.? Then she got quite for a second and changed the subject. I am quite sure I asked her if/when she planned to have kids the week before. I guess I never thought about it before something like that drew my attention to it, but I can imagine that I wouldn?t want to be asked about it if I was having difficulties.
I didn't hear about your m/c. I'm very sorry. It's a VERY tough situation. Been through it myself many years ago. Vent away. Sometimes people just don't think before their mouth opens!
Hugs to you too - so sorry for your loss. My m/c was early as well (6 weeks) but I've realized that it doesn't matter how early it happens - a loss is a loss.
The uncomfortable conversations suck. I know people don't intend to hurt, but so many people just don't think about what they are saying. Just because it's an accident on their part/unintentional on their part doesn't mean it hurts any less though.
jack | born 9.13.12 at 40w4d | 9 lbs 12 oz | 23 in
my puppy loves - chloe & jenson
pregnancy blog | chart
You are so right. I've told several people that I really wish everyone would mind their own business and stop asking about babies. Unless you're pregnant and far enough along that you're ready to tell the world about the pregnancy, there's no response that avoids awkwardness.
Sorry about the m/c too ... I hadn't heard. I'm sure it's an emotional roller coaster.
Mr. Sammy Dog
Someone told me once that it does not matter how you INTEND a comment, but how the other person TAKES the comment, and I believe that is very true, especially in this kind of situation. If a person takes a comment in a way you did not intend, you did not do a very good job of portraying what you meant.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I can't imagine how hard it must be. Hugs to you and Joe.
Mine was at 6 weeks too. I am still grappeling with it and my feelings on it. I agree, a loss is a loss. I am agnostic in faith so I am trying hard to have faith in psyiology, knowing that my body probably made a good decision. But, it is just such a hard fall. And people say the dumbest stuff. It's hard to let their words just roll off your shoulders. The experience gives you a whole different level of understanding of pregnancy and loss. I think that this is something that can only truly be understood by people who have experienced it.
Here is a good article that sort of made me feel like I wasn't alone in hearing stupid comments. It's best for those bitter betty days. But it applies whether you're at the stage of treating infertility or early in your journey: http://domesticprncs.blogspot.com/2010/10/infertility-etiquette.html
I haven't seen you on the Getting Pregnant Board but I am loving the info and support there. DH and I are on cycle 4 of TTC after I was on the BCP. If you want someone to connect with through your journey, I'd love to have a buddy.
I'm sorry this happened, m/c is a hard thing to deal with. I wish others would be more mindful when asking about babies. I do think it is one of those things that we don't really think about though, until it happens to us. I never used to be bothered when someone asked when/if we'd have kids. But, I also had a m/c in March and now I get a bit emotional every time I am asked. The emotions don't always make it to the outside, but I definitely feel them and get a bit choked up on the inside.
Earlier this year, 2 weeks after I had my m/c, my girlfriends from out of state came to visit for our housewarming party. I had planned on telling my girlfriends the news the weekend they were all here and I was really excited to be able to tell them all in person. It was going to be a rare opportunity that we'd all be together in the same place. Not even 20 minutes after they all arrived, one of them announced she was expecting and had a due date just days before ours was supposed to be. That was really, really hard to deal with. I wanted to be excited for her, and show her how happy I was for them. Instead, I stood there with a blank face and just stared out the window and then had to walk away. There were so many emotions running through me, that I couldn't show any. It was a very odd feeling. I know that I had hurt my friend that was expecting by not showing excitement for her but I didn't want to break down in front of her or steal her moment - I also didn't want to let everyone (30ish people) at the house warming party to know I had just miscarried. The next day, when it was just us girls, one of my girlfriends asked me when we planned on having kids - and that is when I just lost it. It was just an innocent question because I will be the last of all my married friends to have kids and I know she didn't ask to upset me. But, I do think they all felt pretty badly about the whole situation. I also think my friend that is expecting felt bad about making her announcement, and I certainly didn't want her to feel that way, which is why I wasn't planning on telling anyone about the m/c. The whole situation was just unfortunate. The girl expecting didn't get the excitement she deserved, and bad emotions in me were innocently triggered.
((Hug)) That sucks. I also suspect I had an incredibly early MC back in February after being more than a week late followed by probably the single worst aunt flo I'd ever had accompanied by some other untypical stuff going on. I totally hear ya on people's innocent but still hurtful comments. I admit that until I started hearing about more and more of my friends having losses or struggling to get pregnant, I didn't even think about how that totally innocent question could be like a knife straight through the heart. I don't bring up the subject of kids to ANYONE now and I've actually been on DH's case a little to talk to his parents and grandparents who drop inappropriate hints or blatantly ask how things are going in that department.
I would be willing to bet that your guest will think twice about that in the future. Doesn't help your hurting heart though. I guess I just wanted to say I sympathize. You're not alone in hating that discussion.
i'm not sure how i missed the post (if there was one) about your MC anita and i am so so sorry to hear of it.
my condolences on the loss you and joe are suffering
lars just told me this morning that our friends just had their second miscarriage, this one at 4 1/2 months and i am heartbroken for them. of course, they have told everyone already that they were pregnant because they thought they were in the clear. i can't fathom the pain she or you are going through.
(((hugs))) to you as you mourn your loss.
EDIT: for clarity
I am also agnostic, and one of the hardest things for me is to reconcile/realize I don't have to justify my pro-choice convinctions with my m/c. I am sad about my m/c because we wanted a baby, and we are physically, emotionally and financially (as well as anyone can be) ready for a baby. Just because we are sad over our m/c doesn't mean that it takes away the rights of others to have an abortion, and our desire to have a baby doesn't negate the desire of others to NOT have a baby. Or whatever. Dealing with those feelings has been really hard. Also realizing that I m/c most likely because something was wrong - and that is all science and biology at work. Nothing I could do differently could have changed that. Of course, that doesn't make the hopes and dreams any easier to deal with having to put away for a while.
I PM'd you - check that please..
jack | born 9.13.12 at 40w4d | 9 lbs 12 oz | 23 in
my puppy loves - chloe & jenson
pregnancy blog | chart
jack | born 9.13.12 at 40w4d | 9 lbs 12 oz | 23 in
my puppy loves - chloe & jenson
pregnancy blog | chart
I'm so sorry for your loss. I totally understand the crazy mix of emotions you felt with your friend announcing her pregnancy. My sister is pregnant and announced that she is having a girl. She announced the sex just a few days after the m/c. I am SO happy for her (and for me! I get another niece!), but I also couldn't help but feel a bit bitter too. It's an unintended side effect, and it sucks.
jack | born 9.13.12 at 40w4d | 9 lbs 12 oz | 23 in
my puppy loves - chloe & jenson
pregnancy blog | chart
I'm so sorry that you are going through this and then to have to deal with comments like that. It seems like it would be even harder when you know the person isn't trying to be hurtful but it is anyway.
Tired after a long morning of hiking and swimming.
This. I am so sorry for your loss and admire your strength and outlook on things (I went back and read the confession post).
My sister had a m/c at 6 weeks and while she handled it really well, it was something she told VERY few people and when she got pregnant again a few months later, she was so scared, nervous, apprehensive, etc. She actually waited until she was 5 months pregnant before announcing it to people beyond immediate family and closest friends. She felt like doing so any earlier would jinx things - like she was unsure her body could handle a "normal" pregnancy. Now a year later, she has a beautiful baby girl, but she still mourns the loss of the earlier baby. It is only natural - it was a part of her. A loss of part of youself (generic "you") - at any stage - is sad and deeply personal.
Anyhow - I know that m/c emotions are different for everyone but I'm sorry you have to experience them at all.
I'm so sorry, Anita. I missed this earlier too (I don't usually look at the confessions posts), and I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.
And yeah--I wish people would mind their own business when it comes to these types of issues.
DanandBrit, I too am so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry! I didn't hear about it either. It's incredibly difficult to go through no matter how early, what the circumstances, etc. It's weird how when these things happen you start to hear so many similar stories. I recently had a very early one as well. The circumstances for me were less than ideal since we aren't married and not really ready for a baby. But it's still hard. This is now my second one and it makes me insanely scared about any future attempts.
I don't have any advice about how to make things easier dealing with people talking about babies and asking about your family planning, etc. It sucks because people have good intentions, they just are clueless about how what they say can effect someone dealing with a hard situation.
Once again I'm just so sorry for your loss.
We're kind of going out.
{{hugs}}.
people really, really, really suck. and they don't even think twice about asking. After our loss, people would say things like 'oh, Kennedy is so cute, don't you think it's time for a sibling". One of the people who said that is someone who even knew!
I am so sorry you and Joe are going through this. It must be such a difficult time for both of you. I hope you both can lean on each other for support.
I know I missed a few of you...
romarie, wittyschaffy, melinda, MrsGo4Hockeychick... so sorry for all of you as well. Thank you for being brave enough to mention your own situations.
big hugs all around!
jack | born 9.13.12 at 40w4d | 9 lbs 12 oz | 23 in
my puppy loves - chloe & jenson
pregnancy blog | chart
My Cooking Blog
I'm very sorry for those of you who have experienced a loss.
I knew from a very early age what a miscarriage was and the impact losing a child had on everyone. I haven't experienced it personally, but have seen the devastation it can cause to people close to me. I wish those of you who are hoping for a child all the best for healthy happy babies.
Boy/girl twins born at 37w1d and 37w2d
Hugs to all of you. I was never one that would come out and say "so, are going having kids or what?" - but after I have had so so so many friends with infertility and mc issues, I have definitely learned to be a lot more delicate about it. Obviously, a close friend we still talk about it, but if it is someone I don't know well at all, I don't mention it at all (unless they ask if we're having anymore - then that opens the door because otherwise it feels rude to not ask anything).
If anyone needs to talk/vent/whatever, I'm always happen to listen.