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Rude Inlaws
How would you handle them?
The other day we invited our MILand FIL over to break in the new grill. She said well that wouldnt work for her because she normally help Grandma and grandpa that day. We said well they can come too. H has been dying to show Grandma the new house. So that night we went shopping for food to feed six. well the day of the dinner i get a text from H saying that he just got off the phone with his mom and that his to cousins were also coming. this is only like a couple of hours before the dinner and both of us were stuck at work. I am Think WTF we didnt invite them along.
Then we still do the dinner and they were rude even in our house! I am sorry i am used to when people ask you do do or not do something in thier house thats it you do as they say!
Sorry just venting.
Re: Rude Inlaws
If this is the first time they've brought uninvited guests, I'd let it slide. If they make a pattern of it, then your husband needs to talk to them privately and ask them to please not do so again.
These aren't friends that you can pick and choose, they're your family and you're stuck with them. In my opinion, it's best to just kill them with kindness.
My H's parents are divorced and both remarried and all 4 of them are crazy. I've found it's more stressful for me to care then to just suck it up and be nice. Plus it's such a crappy position for my H to be in so I'm trying to be considerate of him and not make him stuck in the middle (even though he agrees with me, ha).
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The whole night was a mess.
it was because we have just moved into our house. we are not unpacked yet. and so then with the extra people we couldnt use the small table we had in our dinning room. we had to rush around back to the apartment to grab the bigger folding table. And to the store to buy extra corn and meat ( we were haveing streaks) And I do not like his cousin, he gives me the creeps.
My FIL kept complaining we didnt have the air on. I said because we dont have a filter in it yet. He just said well get one! I said on thursday we will. But he kept complaining. Then we didnt have cable in our living room hooked up yet. SO he couldnt watch the game. But H in conversation said the cable guy could only do the bedroom since that one already had cable in there. SO my FIL goes into our room and sits on the our bed to watch baseball well everyone else went outside. WTH!!!
and yes they did. I asked them all to not feed to dogs anything from the table. and his cousin just memics me and makes a joke. He said " okay feed the dog' I was serious and said to him I am not joking Do Not feed them. My H stepped in and said they cant have any people food, its really bad for them.
Then I had made brownies the night before and put them in a pretty jar in the kitchen. (NO where near where we were serving dinner. They were met for dessert. After everying had gone out to the porch I wonderd why his other cousin kept going to the kitchen. Well I when I went in there and she was walking out eating the brownies. I didnt say anything, think one wont hurt. But I went in to find that most of them were gone. She had eaten like 5. But I wasnt going to scream about it. So i took out the ice cream to thaw since it was hard and went back out to join everyone. Then not but half and hour later she comes out the a heaping bowl of ice cream in my good wedding dishes. ( that were in the hutch in the dinning room) I wanted to bite my tongue right off. Well my H saw it to and said to her that we were doing paper bowls for dessert and that one has to stay in the house. (Mind you she is sorta special) So he redirected into the house. I followed i little later to help him dish out dessert. To find half of the container of ice cream was gone. So we served wheat we could and H and I went with out. It was not the party i wanted.
I'm sorry but for some reason I'm not finding any of this over the top annoying. When I entertain I don't usually restrict what people can eat and how much they can eat. If they was 5 brownies then have 5 brownies and if that means DH and I go without then that's fine too. I could care less.
I also wouldn't have invited people over in 90 degree weather if my AC wasn't working so I don't blame FIL for complaining. I probably wouldn't have complained about the AC not being on but certainly would have left early. Yesterday was really unseasonably hot.
As someone who has moved into a new home within the last six months, and after waiting 3 years FINALLY got to unpack my wedding presents, I do somewhat understand your frustration. However, knowing that it was 80 billion degrees out, and you had no air, I would have postponed until you got your AC up and running. I don't see what's so rude about your FIL going to the bedroom to watch TV-but I guess everyone has a different comfort level. When I have guests in my home I have a very my house is your house attitude. Make yourself at home. Get a drink, kick off your shoes, sit where ever you want. Had this been a formal evening dinner, I think I would take more offense to their antics.
Now, did brownie snatcher REALLY eat MOST of the brownies and half of a half gallon of ice cream??? Because, sweet jeebus, if she really ate that, I feel sorry for her belly. Or is this perhaps an over exaggeration bc you are frustrated?
Also, did they actually feed the dogs, or just mimic you and be douchey? I have a strict no people food rule in my house, but people break it all the time. A lot of people just don't get it, and it's fine, whatever. As long as it is not something dangerous like a cooked chicken bone, grapes or onions, I figure a smidgen isn't going to hurt, even if it does make me roll my eyes at their lack of ability to follow basic directions.
I think it's really important to be able to go with the flow when entertaining, be it a casual evening with friends/family or a full sit down formal dining experience. You have to let other peoples quirks and potential assy behavior roll of your back to a certain extent. NOW, if they were attacking you personally, whether directly or indirectly then that is a different story. To me, it really sounds like two different sets of expectations here. I come from the point of view that I don't want my guests to knock. I want them to come in and make themselves at home. Do whatever makes you happy (as long as it isn't destructive, aka my friends kid with muddy shoes jumping on my brand new furniture), what ever makes you comfortable. It sounds like perhaps your H's family is more along those lines, where you feel like it's your home and they should sit there and "guests".
What do you mean by this comment?
miscarriage on 11/26/09 at 5w6d
It was not yeasterday. It was tuesday.
Then I am different. I would never invite myself over or go where i wasnt invited. and there are areas i think guest should not go in a home.
Brownie snatcher did eat all of that. because I didnt know with her problems that everything has to be out of site.
And yes someone fed the doggs something, because i woke up that night to sick dog heaving on the hardwood floor.
I want to say never again to H. But I know that will crush him. And my MIL is asking when we are going to have a house warming party. Aat this point I dont one!
It was not yeasterday. It was tuesday.
Then I am different. I would never invite myself over or go where i wasnt invited. and there are areas i think guest should not go in a home.
Brownie snatcher did eat all of that. because I didnt know with her problems that everything has to be out of site.
And yes someone fed the doggs something, because i woke up that night to sick dog heaving on the hardwood floor.
I want to say never again to H. But I know that will crush him. And my MIL is asking when we are going to have a house warming party. At this point I dont one!
Sick dogs would piss me off. I get that. If your dogs are that sensitve to people food, and you think people are not going to listen to your instructions the best thing is to put them away with a yummy treat for a few hours. It sucks, but in the end it keeps them safe, and reduces your stress.
If you plan to entertain in your home, then I suggest you learn to lighten up. I know what it's like to be in a new home with all your fun new things and want to share, but there is a huge difference IMO between having family over for a little cookout and having a full fledged party. I would never invite myself anywhere either, but I have a very open door policy at my house, and I think that is one reason people enjoy being here. I always plan for extras, just in case, and always make my guests feel welcome.
As for your FIL watching the game in the bedroom, is he an avid sports fan? I know people (my BFF's H is one) who might just have an anxiety attack if they can't watch their beloved sports. While, I am not a fan, nor do I really care for sports to be on ever, I understand that it is important to him. So when we had them over for a fancypants dinner party one evening, I set the table up in the family room so he wouldn't miss his game. We still had loads of fun, and had a very lovely evening.
If you can't deal with other peoples weird and sometimes rude behaviors, then entertaining might just not be for you.
I would be annoyed. The extra people coming over when you had planned a meal that requires you to buy a specific amount of something (like ears of corn or steaks) would irk me. It would be different had you not had to go get another table or more food.
And I don't think that guests in your home (invited or not) automatically have the right to go through your kitchen and eat whatever they want without asking. Are the cousins adults? Because I'd be a little more lax if they're kids.
BFP#1: 01/10, M/C 6w -- BFP#2: 06/10, M/C 5w -- BFP#3: 09/10, DS born June 1, 2011
BFP#4: 07/12, M/C 5w3d -- BFP#5: 12/12, EDD 08/18/13
Decorate This
I agree 100%. Well said Mary.
Thank you, and yes they are adults. I would way more lax if it were kids. but come on they are around 30.
I did want to lock them up but as soon as MIL came in she let them out. She calls them her Grandpupies.
I have intertained before. just i usually have it planned more and when i am more set up to do it. H didnt want to post pone it because now he will be working most nights.
I'd be ticked that someone was inhaling brownies and ice cream prior to dessert actually being served, and I'd be irked if my pets were fed when I expressly told my guests not to do so.
But I do agree with the bulk of what Mary said. It was unwise to host folks if your home isn't ready for such an event, and even when it is ready, you have to be prepared with people's quirks and rudeness. Not everyone has the same level of politeness and common sense, and getting all bent out of shape over it is only going to impact you - it's not going to teach them anything or change the situation. So why bother?
Different people and different families have different standards and expectations. With some families, family members don't need an invitation and are always welcome, and as a result they typically don't make demands of their hostess, and also may help themselves to whatever they want/need.
I would speak to your DH about how you want your family/household to operate.
I understand your annoyance and I find your FIL's behavior of retreating to your bedroom to be anti-social and rude. I am a rabid Maryland fan, but I also try to be a polite guest- if I was invited to something that conflicted w/ a game I wanted to watch I would make a decision one way or the other.
I would be annoyed about the brownies/ice cream thing, but honestly you still haven't explained what "special" means. Adults should know better than to just go in and serve themselvs when they are guests, but if this cousin has some kind of mental handicap then I think you need to let it go. I would also be annoyed about the china, I have half a set of china in a cabinet in the dining room that was my grandmothers and it has sentimental value to me, so I would be pissed if someone just went and used it.
The FIL going into the bedroom to watch TV would annoy me as well. IMO a bedroom is private area, your DH should have said something to him. Next time, put the dogs away, if MIL goes to let them out, put your foot down and say "last time they were fed and they got sick, they are staying in this room." and put them back in the room.
Honestly though I think you need to chalk this up to being the first time you had them over (??) and now you know what to expect. Remember this is their son's home too so it probably makes them feel more at home, like they can do things like this. You either need to address the issues, or just let it go.
yeah, I'm going to take a totally different tack here from the PP's...I'd have said something right there and then about all of this. You come off as whiny here because it's really not clear why you just let this stuff go on if it was that frustrating to you. there is absolutley no reason you have to let people walk all over you just because they are your IL's. You can be firm and hold to your boundaries without being rude.
Something along the lines of "No, MIL. the dogs are staying in the basement/bedroom/crate/wherever you lock your dogs up until we're done eating."
Or "Cousin, I see you found the brownies. Those are for everybody for dessert you know." and "I see you decided to eat dessert early. Give me that bowel. that's the good china, which we aren't using. I'll put this in a plastic bowel for you." And then weirdo doesn't get ANOTHER serving of dessert. Obviously. If she's 30 she's old enough to be spoken to like an adult and not just passive aggressively complained about.
And really, if you don't want your FIL sitting on your bed, go into your damn room and say, "Hey, you know what, I'd really prefer you didn't hang out in my bedroom. Why don't you come out with the rest of us." And then dig up a radio or something if he really must watch the game. Otherwise he can damn well go home.
I don't think any of that is rude or biitchy...it's just firm. You're stuck with these people for life, might as well set boundaries early.
My Goodness...another food blog. Featuring: Macarons from a old post with a photo taken by my mom for a break from my crappy food photos!
Agree with all of the above. It would be super-odd for a guest to retreat to my bedroom, as it's on a separate floor from the living area, but I'd be put-off if someone just escaped to it. If someone said they weren't feeling well, needed to feed or diaper their child, etc., I'd welcome them to use it if they needed, but to just go up uninvited would be weird.
I also agree with Mary's point that you should discuss your expectations with your husband. Be calm and go about it from a wide point of view, not focusing on everything "his" family did wrong. But it's important that you be on the same page.
At DD's first birthday party I had some issues with DH's family that others might have found nit-picky, but when I explained my feelings to DH, he understood where I was coming from and backed me up.
LOL
Special- means a bit slow. She isnt really handicapped. But sometimes you have to tell her things a few times. And she lacks follow through. Like closing doors, or shutting water off after use.
This was our first time having all of them over since we got the dogs. And your right now I know how they are and more of what to expect. Some of thier antics just floored me because i would never think someone would do that.
Lesson learned.
My approach with my inlaws has more or less been there H's family then their his problem. But if this is how its going to be, I have to nip it in the butt now. Because that can not conitue when they are our company.
FWIW, if you are going to talk to your hubby about setting some ground rules, like a PP mentioned be very careful with the "well YOUR family" statements. What has started out as a calm conversation between DH and I has quickly escalated because that phrase was used and it make the person feel like their family was under attack. I would just discuss with him how you expect company in general to act and if that company happens to be his family, he is expected to deal with it and vice versa. Even though you are married and you have become your own family, you have to be very careful about what could be viewed as an attack on his family. If that makes sense?
That makes alot of sense. And we have had small dicussion regrading that night. He was nerfed about the uninvited guests also. So i know some of the feeling are the same. He doesnt have much to do with these cousins so he didnt think to forwarn me.