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s/o Dealing with In-Laws
I suspect I'm in the minority on this one, but where does everybody fall on dealing with issues with the in-laws?
Do you maintain a "I deal with my family, you deal with yours" policy? Or is it a free-for-all? Or something in between?
Re: s/o Dealing with In-Laws
H and I kinda give and take on this one.
For little in-the-moment type issues (like if my FIL decided to go sit in my bedroom by himself) either of us would deal with that. We both get along well with each other's parents, and neither of us hesistates to say things like, "Ummmm...no, we don't want to do that" or anything else along those lines to our respective inlaws. Like when my brother's wife gets out of hand during our family vacations, my husband has no hesitation in telling her to cool it. And his mom tends to come straight to me for certain topics and I have no problem setting my boundaries with her (like...thank you deeply for the offer, but I'm not bringing a basket of dirty laundry over when we come by for dinner. We'll just head over once I finish folding. Thanks).
For bigger issues we tend to discuss between ourselves and then I deal with my family and he deals with his. Things like when we decided to cut a family trip short because my brother was driving us insane. We talked about it, made a decision, and then I went and told my mom we were leaving.
But I don't think that's because it's my job to interact with them...so much as anything where it's sensitive and the blood child is more likely to understand the parents reaction, that's the person who relays the info. But like I said, we both get along with each other's families really well, and actually really like each other's parents, so I think that changes the dynamic.
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I let him deal with his because I dealt with them alot during the wedding planning. And we decided during that he would be one to deal with them.
My family lives on the west coast. And has only been out here for the wedding. We travel to see them. If something comes up in that course of time I would handle mine. As I did during our engagment announcment. That tiff with my family lasted months and But I would not let it effect H since it was my family.
We rarely see H's mother, and I see her more than he does, so there has never been a reason for any discussions. I take that back. When we got engaged, we picked a date, she found out what it was and called ME and asked me to change it bc she would be on vacation. Alrighty then. I did change it, and I told her I would if I could. My SIL who is more like a mother to H than his own mother, sort of lives with us at the moment. She is awesome, and I would have no hesitations talking to her about anything. She confides in me, I confide in her-and I would like to note this could be really awkward seeing as she is 24 years older than me, so it's not like a normal SIL relationship where you might be close in age, etc.
We see my parents a lot. I would not see H hesitating to talk to them about anything, nor would they want him too. I can't think of anything that has come up that has needed to be discussed.
I guess for me, the post below made me see that some people are just more protective of their "space" than I am, and to me it has nothing to do with if they are in-laws or close friends. If my SFIL wanted to watch a game, and our family room tv wasn't working I would gladly offer him the TV in our bedroom, and I barely know him. If he opens my drawers and sees my "stuff" then shame on him for being nosey. I would never be bent out of shape if two guests were added, as long as I had a weee bit of notice. I also would not have gone out of my way to go get a bigger table, especially when everyone there knew we were not settled in yet. I would have made the best of it, set people up at the table i did have pulled up an extra chair, or the coffee table and sat on the floor. Or a big moving box or two. I just don't get what the big deal is, and I am a rabid psycho crazy entertainer. (the dog thing is a different issue).
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Both sets of our parents are so non-confrontational and so passive in general that we really don't have issues with any of them. I mean I have my own issues with my own parents (minor) that are just normal parent-child stuff and I handle that.
In general, if there was an issue I think that I'd address my parents about it and he'd address his parents. I am actually wondering if this is going to come up very soon. We normally don't have hardly any visitors in our home and I'm thinking that's about to change with the baby coming any day now. I'm very used to and comfortable with the privacy we have in our home and if anyone (MIL and SIL are the likely candidates for this) over-stays their welcome someone will have to talk to them. If it was MIL, DH would talk to her. She may be more offended hearing the exact same thing from me than if it was from her son. Not sure why that is.
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I can't think of an instance where we've had an issue with my family. I believe DH emailed my Dad and asked him to please stop forwarding emails to him, but that's the extent of it. There have been some political discussions that DH has to bite his tongue during for the sake of keeping the peace, and he'll later vent to me, but it's not something I'm then taking to the family members in question. The reason DH bites his tongue isn't so that I can later re-iterate it, it's because he's passionate and hot-headed and knows that arguing same-sex marriage rights with my 83-year old grandfather won't end well.
We barely have a relationship with DH's side of the family, especially since his mother passed away last year and his sister subsequently moved out of state. When they were here and issues arose, and oh boy did they, he dealt with them. We talked about the issues, often at length, and occasionally disagreed, but ultimately he was the one to handle the discussions directly with his Mom and/or sister.
I did ask him to hand me the phone the next time his sister calls to ask us for money, 'cause I've got a lot of things stored up that I'd LOVE to say to her. **
** And this is why he was the one to handle them in previous discussions. The drama-quotient with the in-laws has been pretty high over the years and I'm too hot-headed to be the one to handle them. I would say that DH is gentler about it all, but really, he's not - he's even more blunt about things than I am. But they're used to him. If I came at them saying some of the things he did over the years, they'd have felt insulted and I'd have been the Wicked Witch to blame things on.
This makes sense to me. Each spouse dealing with their own families as a way to spare the feelings of the families is totally logical and an easy way to avoid drama.
I am a little baffled by things being the other way around though...like...H leaving issues with my family up to me to deal with so as not to piss me off. I mean, if some member of my family is stepping all over his toes, I don't want him to feel like he has to just put up with that until I swoop in to save him. And vice versa. He's now a part of my family and I'm a part of his...and we kinda have to fight our own battles to an extent rather than hide behind each other.
Though that's not to say that he's allowed to just walk up to my brother and start giving him a lecture...but that's just basic politeness. If we woudn't say it to our own family, we don't say it to our IL's!
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We deal with things on an ongoing/as needed basis. Sometimes people need to hear things twice, or even 3 times from different people or from 2 people at once.
Some people don't like to hear no, or don't hear no, so then they have to hear it again and again from both of us at the same time.
My MIL is pretty much the communicator for both of my ILs and DH and I hear from her @ different times, sometimes he gets the e-mail, sometimes I do, sometimes I get the phone, etc.
Also I know that when my MIL suggests something or floats an idea, it usually means she wants it to happen, or that she already has the ball rolling, I try to deal with stuff like that immediately, vs. DH who just brushes it off, thinking it might not materialize. I know that maybe/we will see, or other non-definite answer isn't a good one to give my MIL.
We have definitely learned how to work together on dealing/communicating with our families.
H deals with his parents. His mom and stepmom have both crossed the line and he deals with it without me having to say anything. He is fully aware that his family is a little out there and does the best job he can keeping things calm.
One of the things that drives me BSC about his mom is she is constantly sending out these extreme conservative/boarding on racist/very ignorant mass emails. No matter how many times H tells her not to send them to us she continues to send them. So earlier this week when she sent one H went into my email and deleted it because he didn't want me to get upset over it (he knows they make me really upset). I saw it anyways because my phone didn't sync fast enough and it was still in my email there. He thought I was going to get mad that he went into my email but I actually thought it was super sweet.
As for my parents we haven't had any issues. My parents are the worlds most awesome people (not that I'm partial, haha) and H really loves them. He is way closer to my family than he's ever been to his own, so as of now neither of us have had to deal with them.
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We haven't really had to deal with in-law issues. I have to say I'm pretty lucky when it comes to in-laws. I actually like mine and since they live in upstate NY I don't have to deal with them often which is probably why I like them so much.
If I were to have an issue with my in-laws, I think I would talk to DH about it first and have him deal with his family. If that doesn't work then I'm happy to step in and be a major bit*h.
We have a "I deal with mine, you deal with yours" thing.
However, my family really has no drama (The drama maker is my Mom, who I only talk to/see once or twice a year), and are 8hrs away, so any drama that happens, I'm kind of removed from it. His family is only an hour away, and despite him dealing with their drama, his parents blame me for everything (he doesn't go down one weekend? I'm the devil behind it all). He's a single child, so that doesn't help.
We're getting ready to leave for vacation, and they've basically demanded that we come down there. We tried to invite them up for lunch or something, but his Mom says ''But your Dad said that you said you'd come down before you left", which didn't get said to Dad, but whatevs.
So H has gone down there, and I stayed behind to pack and clean and get stuff done that needs to get done. I'll probably earn a few Devil Points for not going down to see them, but it's not like we didn't try to get them to come up here.
It's a no-win situation for me - I make them angry by not going down, or we have no clean clothes for Europe. *sigh*
Well, for things like planning holidays, visits, that kind of stuff, we each deal with our own parents. It's not because we don't like the other's parents or anything (H and my parents actually get along really well), it's just how it shakes out for some reason.
For confrontation/intervention/etc? Um yeah so we don't do that. LOL. In my family we fight when things reach a breaking point (so there will be times when, even at 29, I just yell at my mother) or we just ignore the things that are hot-button issues.
But with that said - I can't think of anything where either one needs to say something. Both our parents are really laid back and are consumed with fear at being "those in-laws," so both sets are super aware of boundaries. It's actually kind of annoying. Like my mother would not go visit my brother and SIL to see their new curtains even though they said "come over anytime and see them," she wanted them to say "please come over on Saturday at 1 to see them," not because she needs an engraved invitation, but because she is petrified of being perceived as the MIL who just pops over whenever, no matter how inconvenient it is. My MIL is the same way.
But this is annoying because sometimes I feel like saying - its OKAY if you're peeved we're not spending thanksgiving with you, it's OKAY if you want us there for christmas and not christmas eve, etc etc. none of us has backbone so things just fester.
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