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Snobby family members driving me & hubby CRAZY!
My SIL and her husband have been driving my husband and I absolutely CRAZY! They are such huge snobs about where they live. I'm thinking we should have a talk with them before there is an even bigger argument... here's the situation:
We are both young couples living in Long Island, ny which is grossly overpriced to begin with. They purchased a house in a posh neighborhood-it's on one of the only few blocks with small houses, so it is pretty much the smallest house that exists there. They paid a HUGE amount for it because they wanted to live in this area- so they chose location over size and affordability. My husband and I bought a house that was half the price in a great neighborhood that is not "posh" it's a very average family oriented area where everyone is hard working and the homes are all very comparable to each other. No millionaires here. We chose to get a larger home in a neighborhood that we feel comfortable in. Both areas have amazing schools, and are very safe etc... and i respect their choice.
Lately it is jab after jab about where they live. It started a few weeks ago when they were over and she was admiring the amount of space i have... her comment "wow, you have so much space...i wish we had this much space but we wanted to live in --------. I can't get a bigger house in ----- cause we can't afford it and i could never downgrade my neighborhood." Would you all be annoyed with this comment? I was but I didn't say much. Then the other night, her husband got into a discussion with mine about how high the cost of living is. The conversation had nothing to do with either of us or our homes, just the fact that living in NY is expensive. He proceeded to tell us that if he wanted to he could have bought our house cash, but he didnt, he wanted to live in -----. My husband kept his cool as best as he could and called him an ass hole and then someone quickly changed the subject.
I guess this is just me venting cause i'm so annoyed with them. But, what should I do? Should we tell them that the way they have been acting is rude and annoying, and that they don't need to constantly brag about where they live because we dont give a crap- this to avoid a future argument. OR should we keep our mouths shut until it happens again because it probably will. I'm just afraid if we wait then it will be a big fight- maybe we should approach them about they way they have been.
All I know is that I HATE when people are snobs. Newsflash- it makes you look like an ass hole.
Re: Snobby family members driving me & hubby CRAZY!
They know they're being rude - don't bother telling them. By telling them you're letting them know that they're getting to you, and that's probably what they want. If it were me, I'd just ignore it. You love your house, your neighborhood, the life you and your H have created - it's not about keeping up with the Jones' - it's about loving what you have. If the Jones' want to keep up with you, well... that's up to them.
Next time one of them brings up the subject, either leave the room or change the subject. Send a message that this isn't a subject you're interested in discussing.
I would ignore them and not say anything.It sounds like they just want to justify their purchase by having you say "Oh I wish we could have bought in that area." For me it seems that people who constantly need feedback about what they own aren't really happy with it in the first place.
You're feeding right into this and letting them annoy you. People will only annoy you as much as you allow them to ... you can either let their comments roll off your back, or you can limit your interaction with them.
I don't know whether they mean this to talk down to you guys, or if you're just reading too much into it. The conversation with your SIL doesn't sound like she's trying to be mean (although maybe tone of voice played into this) ... sounds like she was just making conversation and saying that it's great that you have such a large home. Her husband sounds a bit obnoxious. Either way, though, if you and your husband are happy with your home, who the hell cares what they think? If you're really THAT upset by their comments then that may be a sign that you're actually insecure and unhappy with where you live.
Haven't you ever heard of not talking about things like money, politics and religion with friends and coworkers? Same thing applies here - don't bring up any topics that relate to money or your homes/neighborhoods, and if they are the ones to bring it up then give a vague answer and then change the subject. Them: "We could've easily bought this house if we wanted, but we purchased in a better neighborhood." You: "Mmm. Hey, did you guys catch The Hangover II yet?" or "I just made some cookies ... here, try one!" Just flat-out ignore any comments that are meant to be a jab.
If they just won't get the hint, then it's probably time to cut down on the amount of time you spend with them. Don't invite them over, and if they invite you guys over tell them you're busy. If you want to meet up with them, do it in a neutral location like a restaurant or movie theater - if you meet in one of your homes then that increases the chances that they'll bring up each of your homes in conversation. And if they keep talking about money, I don't think it's a bad thing to say in a joking manner, "Come on, guys, this really isn't an appropriate topic. Let's talk about something fun."
I just don't think that confronting them on this is going to do anything except start a fight. If you tell them that you're tired of them making snide little comments about their home vs. your home, do you honestly think they're going to say, "You're right, we've been trying to be nasty to you. We're sorry and we don't do it again"? Of course not. The're going to say, "WTF are you talking about, we've never tried to make you guys feel bad." Maybe even followed by, "You're just jealous of what we have/you're just insecure with what you have." And that will go nowhere. So just avoid the topic entirely, and remember that it only matters if YOU TWO are happy with your home.
Ugh.... I USED to have some friends that were the exact same way.... I just couldn't take it anymore.... we stopped hanging out with them....
Just change the subject anytime they bring up something like that....
Or the next time they say something along that vien.... say.... "Well we chose space over "being near all the cool kids"".....
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Newsflash: it doesn't make you look like an ***, it reveals to everyone around her what an *** she is. I totally get your position here, when I brought my SIL to our first house for the first time, (like yours, we got a decently sized property in a neighborhood WE are comfortable in, but his family thinks it's a "little rough"... read as, has black people living on our street.... don't get me started...his family is nuts.) But I love our neighbors, our street and our house, and you should love yours and ignore what your insecure SIL says. My SIL, upon exiting the highway, exclaimed "is THIS where you're planning on having your CHILDREN?!"
So keep it classy and respond with nothing or with something positive, like "WELL... that's a shame you feel you can't look into other neighborhoods, because there are some real gems out there, and now you'll never even know were on the market."
If they aren't saying it intentionally, hearing this over and over will in some way make them realize how much the compare. You could even say (light heartedly and w/ a smile) "Yup, as we've said many times before, we're very happy w/ where we live!".
I don't know that I agree that you getting upset makes you insecure, but if you react to them in an upset manner and/or get pissy w/ them, THAT will come across to them at least that you are insecure.
The less you react and the happier you are, the more it says that you don't care what they say.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You could just go with, "We just couldn't see spending the extra money when the value is just evaporating overnight. The market's just so crazy right now. Tee hee."
Fortunately, we don't plan on having kids so we got the cheap 4 bedroom in the crappy school district (WF) for a song. If we accidentally have 1, well, what I'm not spending on my mortgage can go to a private school. Point being, you still have the option of spending that money if you feel you need to 'make up' for something.
And no, there's no point in telling them they're snobbish a-holes. They already know, that's why they had to buy where they did.
I agree with all previous posters. Do NOT respond angrily--you will only satisfy them with that response.
Avoid the topic, if it does come up, be totally zen and stay in a happy place regarding your house. He says he could have bought your house for cash (who says that?, it is so pretentious and rude!), smile and say that is why you chose your home--you can easily afford the payments and you won't be at risk of losing your home even if your income/jobs change (or whatever applies to you).
I think they are worried about their purchase and are saying these things to you in an attempt to make themselves feel better about their house.
I'd ignore them, I definitely would skip the heart to heart "you're being rude" speech.
It sounds like they're jealous of your bigger house and are wanting to justify the fact that they don't have a house that size because of some lame descision they made. They sound like they regret it a bit to be honest by the sounds of it but they're trying to keep the status up by emphasizing the location.
Most likely it'll just blow over. But in the meantime, if they bring up "your house has so much pace but we could downgrade to this area" I'd either ignore and change the subject or reply with "You definitely have to make the decisions that are right for you, we got lucky and love our neighbourhood and our house" :P
The next time they bring up their neighborhood, I'd semi-agree with them and say "you know what they say...location, location, location!" You know you got a better deal for your money, and you know you're happy with your choice. It sounds as if they are second guessing themselves.
If they were so much better off, they wouldn't "rub it in your face." They wouldn't need to.
Just b/c they chose the posh address doesn't mean they are getting better for their $$. I grew up in a "posh" town, and chose not to live there for a reason. It had "such great schools" which justified the high cost of housing, the high taxes. My current town (next door) is a step down in poshness, income level, etc. However, I would not move to the town I grew up in, even if I won the lottery (and there are no milion $ homes in my town!). My hometown is too big for my taste, and I don't want dd or ds thinking that money grows on trees. Plus, guess what? My towns school out-ranked my hometown's schools in the latest state ranking. LOL!
I don't think they are necessarily being rude. I mean, I suppose they could be but from what you've said so far it doesn't seem to be a given. I don't think that they are comparing the two of you personally with their own choices or even being snobs necessarily (in the classic sense of the word).
My husband and I just moved. Going in, we had a certain lifestyle goal which could only be entertained by moving into a certain type of community/neighborhood (urban, and difficult to find in this southern town). There were three urban-historic districts in a sea of suburbia and "country" - one in particular was more favored than all the others. It was an area I dreamed of living in since a young child. We tried everything we could to find a place which would fit or family/pets and in-home business....but were locked out of anything but tiny-tiny homes. We "settled" in an even older district (our 3rd choice as a district) because that is just where everything fit. I still size things in my head, doing comparisons strategically in my head for future options. Ours is not "posh" by any means, and I do hope to one day move into our first or second pick simply because I like them better. Perhaps your BIL and sister are only thinking outloud, mulling things over for future options or reminding themselves that they traded Item A on their list for Item B - that they couldn't find both items in the same place. Or perhaps it is a sour grape thing...sure she'd love to have X-square feet but it's a trade off for living in a smaller neighborhood which she also wanted. Maybe BIL was kicking himself for paying more just to say he lived in ----- neighborhood when his financial burden would have been lessened if he had only been more pragmatic.
They live in Garden City and you live in Carle Place, right? Tell me I'm right!
They are dripping with jealousy my dear. She could easily compliment the space without stating she prefers her zip code all the time. It is really, really hard to be in a small house when the glory of a ritzie address wears thin. Constantly telling you that it was their "choice" is a defense mechanism.
You don't need to confront them. Just feel sorry for them. They have a little house. Sucks for them.
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The next time they get started on this, I would simply shrug my shoulders and say, "I don't know why we are discussing this." And simply not respond if they attempt to pursue it.
If they continue and it ventures into making comments about your less than stellar neighborhood, I would respond with, "We are happy to live here and this isn't something we are going to continue to discuss."
LOL I live here too-in a super nice neighborhood-but it's not the only nice neighborhood on the island.
but honestly-who cares? you're happy with your house and your area. change the subject and move on.
WOW you're SOOOO close my jaw just dropped. Garden City & Wantagh! Great guess;)
I knew it was Garden City. It's so typical.
Wantagh is a great little town. Take her to Forest City Pool or the Wantagh Park (voted best park in 2006) and watch her turn green with envy.
She's definately dying that you found such a gem of a house.