Northern California Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
list "Stuff People Without Kids Just Don't Get" here
In the interest of fairness and fun, here's a place for all you parents (and anyone else) to list stuff that those of us without kids just don't understand, and the weird stuff we do.
*Again, if you think your feelings may be hurt by things people list, you may not want to read.
Warning
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Re: list "Stuff People Without Kids Just Don't Get" here
Complete honesty....
This kind of thing is only funny when it is a bunch of friends sitting around a table after having had one too many glasses of wine, otherwise it is just annoying and bitchy and screams insensitivity because ultimately...everyone swears up and down until they are blue in the face that they will never do XYZ or would never become XYZ and guess what?
They do it, they become it.
Will my parenting strategy offend some? Possibly.
Will I make mistakes? Definitely.
While I may not agree with everyone else's way of parenting, and do myself get annoyed, frustrated, and on occasion flat out pissed with another parent's inability to parent in particular (who the f lets their 8 year old kid play in a toddler park and shove the little 1-2 year olds down and doesnt do anything about it?) it is still a choice a parent makes.
Parenting is a beast in its own right. It is hard as f to do and the most frustrating and amazing thing a person who chooses it will ever do.
I only half heartedly take offense to these posts. And you can hate me if you want, but you wanted honesty.
Money Matters The other half's blog.
EJ is growing up too fast!
K, I definitely appreciate your honesty in all things. You bring a great perspective, and I know you bring well thought out and real opinions to the board. I absolutely don't hate you. I respect you through and through.
I'll admit, as someone without kids, I don't completely understand everything you wrote, and can't feel your feelings with you on it. But, hey, that's definitely a "Stuff people without kids just don't get" thing, so it's pefectly appropriate for this post, and I'm okay with that.
I wrote the "read at your own risk" warning, not as a "if you can't handle this, then you are such an overly-sensitive dummy!" thing, but as a "hey, just be careful because really, you might see some things you don't like" reminder.
M, I totally get that it is a "read at your own risk." And you know...the first time or two this topic was discussed I thought it was funny, and trust me when I read through the other post I TOTALLY agreed with a whole heck of a lot that was said.
But
When it keeps coming up in conversation on this board, over and over, it begins to feel less and less like it is a fun topic to joke about and more and more like a topic that people are actually upset about and venting on. I get we all need community and to have the ability to feel free to express ourselves and to find commonality over topics, but some topics could lend others to feel ostracized.
While I do not feel ostracized as of yet, I do feel less and less welcome on this board.
I have my own struggles as a parent and being a parent of one and knowing that I am one an done...I feel like I am put through a wringer and have been told MANY times that I need to not tell people I am done with EJ that it lends people a bad impression. Being a parent is an incredibly emotional experience. I get sick pits in my stomach when I hear about ill babies or parents who lose their kids or have kids get horribly hurt. It hurts my heart, I still pray every single day for that woman who lost her husband and both sons in the drive by shooting a couple years ago. It still breaks my heart daily when I think of it.
I share all that because I feel like it might help to understand why I feel emotional about the topic and how being a mom means the world to me and why it might sting a little to have people make fun of me for being a mom. Also to express how even in the parenting world we judge and persecute each other enough that to get it all over again somewhere else kind of doesn't feel the best.
Makes me feel like I am damned either way.
Ugh, now I am getting all emotional and overwrought about this and I swear I really do find humor in the post, and I really do think it is appropriate to find community on topics...that is why I have sought out one and done parents board and groups. I just feel heavy hearted over the consistent talk on this topic.
Money Matters The other half's blog.
EJ is growing up too fast!
Money Matters The other half's blog.
EJ is growing up too fast!
I'm really not sure how to reply. I really appreciate you opening up and sharing. And, I don't feel like I have the right words yet to type out an awesome respone, so I want you to know that I hear what you are saying, and appreciate you sharing. I don't want you to think I didn't care, or ignored your post. I'm just afraid of rushing in and saying the wrong thing.
I hope you know that I really, really didn't mean to make you feel crummy.
I am probably guilty of complaining about it and bringing it up a lot on here (sorry). And it's because that's just what I'm dealing with right now. I find that most of my close friends (almost all in fact) have kids, and almost all of them do things that I think are weird. And when I ask questions, or don't understand "kid stuff", they look at me like I'm weird. I can't really bring that kind of stuff up on FB, or to them, or our mutual friends, so I vent/complain here. I figured it's just something that happens with parents/nonparents.
I really tried to be specific in my title, the description of the thread, and in my disclaimer, (so that people would really have to choose to read the thread to get to the complainy stuff) in the hopes that those who might be offended or upset about it have the choice to not read it. I didn't want to hurt anyone, and posted it after several people told me it's something they would like to particpate in to get stuff off their chest too.
I'm sorry for pissing off the moms on the board. I didn't mean to be "anti-baby" or "anti-mother/parenting". I don't want anyone to feel unwelcomed here, no matter what stage in life you are in. I'll try to keep my kid/parent vents down so that you don't feel uncomfortable here. I can always vent to my husband (they're good for that, right? lol)
That's the thing, other Moms participated in the other post, so we're not all offended. I understand what PKW is saying, but I think you're being too hard on yourself. Like you said, others wanted to participate also, including Moms. I personally thought we were all contributing in a pretty light hearted way as more of "I don't get X," not from a place of malice or to make others feel bad. I don't think that you should have to feel uncomfortable here either.
I don't NOT want to hear about kid/parent vents, but when it gets opened up for everyone to post about something they think is crazy or weird about how someone else parents then I think you get into offending people or making them feel uncomfortable about posting.
I know when I read the other post and read that people think some of the things I do are nuts, it makes me uncomfortable because I obviously don't think what I do is crazy. But hey...I guess that's why we have The Nest and The Bump.
I'll post something (it's not about parenting, it's about determining age). I don't have kids yet, but plan to start trying in a few months.
I don't get why when I tell my SIL or MIL "hey, X is 3 months today, yay!" they always tell me no. We get in this argument and it's really frustrating for me. For example...if X was born on March 6 and it's June 6 I would say "hey, X is 3 months" and then I get a no, X was 12 weeks on this other date. Ok, but I'm not talking about weeks, I'm talking about calendar months. March 6 to June 6 = 3 calendar months, right?! I always get told I'm wrong even though I already tell them I understand the difference between saying a baby is z amount of weeks over z amount of months. It's different. One way counts by weeks, one way counts by calendar months. 1 calendar month does not equal 4 exact weeks (except Feb.). I get that doctors go by weeks, but how come they totally lose the ability to understand calendar months even though pre-baby they could? This isn't all people with kids by any means, just my experience with 3 people (SIL, MIL, and 1 friend).
I also fully recognize this is definitely small peanuts and totally not a big deal at all. I'm just confused why I'm not allowed to use calendar months anymore... Such a silly thing!
ok from the completely opposite end of the spectrum from k .. i'll preface this by saying yes being a parent is a rough gig and yes you get judged all.the.time and yes as a parent you WILL make mistakes but the wonderful thing is that you learn from these mistakes and the key to being a parent is learning to roll w/ it - control what you can and let go what you can't.
that said .. the things that people w/out kids just don't get ... the pdt version
* that spontaneous events sans kiddo are a thing of the past - usually going out requires a babysitter that require LOTS of advance warning to get a sitter lined up. not everyone has a grandma 5 mins away w/ nothing to do but wait by the phone to be called in to baby sit at the last minute. last minute bbq invite at someone's house, not a problem - last minute invite to some fancy dinner somewhere - not gonna happen.
* raising a kid is NOT easy .. people who say they want 2+ kids .. lots come to a grinding halt after one after realizing how much work ONE is .. 2+ seems like the fast track to insanity
those are the 2 biggies that i've come across ....
I know someone who always asks me last minute to go walking on the weekends without my daughter. DD sits in her stroller and whines a bit, but she is 2. I don't like that in the invitation, this person always says "without kids". I always say no. I barely get any time with my kids, so when it is something like a walk, its dumb they cant come. I don't bring them with me to dinners or movies or other grown up things, but if we are walking at a darn park, wtf is the big deal.
Similarly, people who say that pregnancy lasts 10 months b/c it's 40 weeks...NO, it doesn't. I was technically considered pregnant on 11/18. My due date is 8/25. That's 9 months, 1 week (which = 40 weeks). NOT 10 months. I won't be technically 7 months pregnant until I'm 31 weeks along. This is impossible for many people to grasp. But it bugs the crap out of me. If you want to talk in weeks only?...that's cool. But don't convert weeks to months with an inaccurate formula of 4 weeks = 1 month...it makes no sense. Will my friend have a bday celebration for her kid at 48 weeks old? Or does he get to have his birthday actually ON his birthday...4 weeks later, at 52 weeks? How old is he in months from 48 to 52 weeks...is she going to tell people, "he's 12 months old" or "12 1/2 months old" at 50 weeks, and not expect them to think that he's had his birthday already?!...yeah, it really annoys me. Perhaps/probably irrationally so.
I thought I was missing something too. I have never seen this topic on the board before...
Yep, I was one of the instigators. I didn't think anything about this post would make people upset or feel unwelcome, but I'm sorry if that's happened and will share the responsibility for that.
Ditto that, sister. Well said.
And therein also lies the reason I spend far more time on the Bump than the Nest these days. I don't actually feel like *I* have changed all that much- I'm still the same person that I was before baby. But my *life* has changed a great deal. And when there are people saying that it's annoying how you live your life... well... you tend not to want to hang out in that place as much.
Here's my contribution to this particular post: when you're a new parent, you're frequently in survival mode. You do whatever it is that will keep you sane in that moment, and what other people think of you simply has to take the back burner so you don't lose your sh!t.
PM me for our family/baby blog
Haley Beth ~ March 3rd, 2011
Ok, here's a few....
-Spotaneous outings or meet-ups, sans kid, gone. =(
-Nope, I haven't seen that movie...and won't until it is on dvd because if I get a date with my Husband I want to go to a restaurant that doesn't have a kid menu and TALK.
-Babysitters are effing expensive. Unless my inlaws are available or it is planned way in advance so we can schedule a babysitter....odds are you are only going to get me or DH, not both...without the kiddo.
-When you ask me what's new, I'm going to talk about either my kid or work, because that's 90% of my life. I used to hate this when I didn't have kids....then I had one and realized that my "cool/relevant" factor went out the window. =(
-You think you're busy now?
-I heard a line in a movie that I absolutely loved and totally related to (the line, not the movie)....."Having a kid is like getting a tattoo on your face, you'd better be committed to it."
I am glad I am not completely alone in feeling like I am not hot on this topic.
But I also wanted to reiterate that I honestly do know that this was not directed at anyone here and that it was meant in jest. It has been brought up on the board a lot and that is why I said something because at what point is it still funny? I really don't know but for me it stopped feeling funny and felt like it was more at my expense than for our collective enjoyment.
I was not trying to start anything or make anyone else feel bad, and I truly do feel bad for making anyone feel bad. I just know that this board is really struggling right now and I want to be a part of it because I really care about the ladies here but I pretty consistently feel out of place here. Granted, I spend little time on the boards period anymore with school and a kid, but when I do make it on here I rather not hear about how I am failing in others eyes.
Money Matters The other half's blog.
EJ is growing up too fast!
i haven't seen this topic ONCE on here, i don't think you've missed anything
Eh, my observatin is that it definitely comes up.
By her own account (from above):
I think I mostly have noticed it in CW posts. It doesn't bother me, but I definitely think it comes up. I'm sorry for those it bothers - I can understand both sides. This is a place to vent about whatever we want (and we have specific b*tch and vent about whatever we want posts even!), buuut as a new mom it could be insulting and kinda hurtful to read about how annoying new moms are. I mean, how could it not be, u know?
i have something else to add in light of the direction this thread is going
*how hypersensitive new parents are. granted not all of them are this way and there are varying degrees as to how hypersensitive they are to the slightest criticism. if you don't have kids and are in the presence of brand spanking new parents DO NOT make a single comment about how they're parenting. you never know if the simplest question is going to set them off into a tailspin and end up w/ them questioning their ability to parent at all.
*zips up flame suit*
pm me !
done.
I can only remember this topic being brought up once before, but obviously others have seen it more often. So, point taken on that. I just wanted to clarify that, to me, this is NOT a "how annoying new moms are" post. I know plenty of new moms, many on this board in fact, who are not annoying at all and are awesome examples of what I hope to be like one day when I have children. This was supposed to be a light-hearted post for everyone, with or without kids, to vent about some silly things they see out there.
someone has mail
Well said. I totally agree and I like having mommies on here. It kinda depresses me that so many of them leave us for the bump.
Personally, I've made a lot of IRL friendships with people on the baby board so I have navigated over there more for that reason than anything to do with being pg now or caring about what people want posted here, etc.
This might surprise you but I laughed so hard at this I cried. In a good way kind of cry from laughing not laughing then crying because I am sad.
I completely agree with this. *I* am hypersensitive about critiques on my parenting, specifically from non-moms. I am less sensitive about it from moms, and rather take their experience as a powerful tool to assist me in learning how I want to parent my son.
This is not to say that non-moms cant have valuable tools to lend me, but it sounds a LOT different coming from a mom than a non-mom. And that sounds bad, I know, but it is true. At least for me.
Money Matters The other half's blog.
EJ is growing up too fast!