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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Getting a little serious now
I know that there are not many people around anymore, but I thought I would ask some advice of anyone that is still checking in.
How do you stay supportive of someone you love who vents almost everyday about work? I try really hard for the first little bit to stay positive and be supportive, but it inevitably turns into an argument about how DH complains too much. He says that I am not supportive enough, but I know that I try really hard most of the time to listen and offer the best advice I can give.
I feel like I am super insensitive and I am becoming disappointed in myself. So my question is does anyone else deal with this? How do you manage?
Re: Getting a little serious now
I am in a similar situation with my DH but mentally I'm just spent by it. Especially considering that my work life isn't just roses either. There are days he comes home complaining about customers, coworkers or his boss. Today it was his boss and he was fuming. Not just venting.I told him the comment that his boss made was correct and he needed to suck it up and get on with it. (Helpful to you, maybe not) I have told him many times that I'm not listening to his complaining. I think that sometimes listening to it enables it and in our case the situations he's upset about are valid but, in most cases, situations he cannot really control. In different situations sometimes I listen and give advice, if I've already eaten sometimes I just walk away and let him thinking about it himself, and in other times I remind him that it's only his behaviour and reactions that he can control. On days like today I quoted him verses from the Bible on submitting to authority.
So all in all, rereading this I sound like a horrible wife and many of these things do work with my husband many days although I don't really feel like we're solving the problem. I don't know about the work things that your husband is dealing with but you could make a "rule" to not talk about work until x time. Or that you have to talk about other important things before any talk of the day. That may distract him from complaining. My DH has (at times) tried really hard to leave work at work but it's been getting bad again lately. In that respect I am far more able to compartmentalize and while I think about some work things at home I don't really feel the need to talk about them.
So I hope something of that helps if not just hearing that you're not the only one.
Thanks rosesforme. I am sorry that you are going through something similar, but it does help to know that I'm not alone. It can get frustrating when you have tried so many times to help and nothing works, that I often react the same way you have explained. I feel like a horrible wife sometimes, but we are only human after all. You made some interesting suggestions that may be worth a try, thanks.
I feel like I am able to compartmentalize my stresses too, which may be why it is so hard for me to understand why he can't. We have talked more about it and have come to an understanding/recognition of the others' feelings, so that is a start I guess.
I'm on the opposite side of this equation. I'm the one that comes home everyday and bitches about my job.
I have to say that reading the two posts made me feel really bad for your husbands. Not only are they having a hard time at work, but then they come home and get told not to complain about it. Did either of you ever think that getting it off his chest is the way he deals with it and maybe, you, as his wife, are the one he wants to go to for that support? It becomes very hard to get "over it" if you know that it sucks at work and then you can't even go home and vent about it.
Yes, it might be a long period of time but I think it's better he's venting about it than just keeping it inside and then potentially exploding about it at a later date probably over something that has nothing to do with work.
I *** everyday about my job. My husband offers me advice and just makes me know that it's okay for me to feel this way and offers suggestions on how to make it better. He NEVER tells me it's not important or that I should "get over it" because that just would put me down and make me feel like my feelings are not valuable.
Perhaps you two should take a different approach. Most times, we don't really want you to say anything we just need to get it out and need to know that it's okay to feel the way we feel and sometimes we need someone to help pull us out of the rut we are in. Yes, that may take months or even years.. but that's what life and marriage is about. it's about supporting someone through their tough times and being able to pull them out of it.
That's what you do for love.
How about you stop making it about you and start making it about him. He clearly needs you, is asking for help and you are essentially pushing him away.
Just my opinion.
[<b>edited by:</b> onetier at 10:39 AM (GMT -6) on Mon, Jun 27 2011]
[<b>edited by:</b> onetier at 10:39 AM (GMT -6) on Mon, Jun 27 2011]
Rosesforme: just re-read that you do offer advice and I think that's great. I think what you are doing will help in the long run.
DH used to need to vent a lot for his old job, but we set some limits on it.... When we got home we'd walk the dog and talk about our day, and that was the time to get it out. Once we were back home, work conversation was over and we talked about other stuff for the rest of the night. I found it especially helpful to talk about it while out for a walk because it created a clear moment when we entered the house to stop, had a specific time period, and lots of research shows that couples going for a walk together is a huge stress reducer, for both of us.
The other major thing we did was make sure we were on the same page in terms of expectations. Not everyone is looking for advice, sometimes they just want someone to listen. So we talked seriously about how I would know when to offer advice and when to just listen and sympathize. Same thing about looking for a new job - I made sure I understood when his unhappiness with his current job was something he wanted to work on and when I should encourage him to look for a new position - which he eventually did and that ultimately solved the whole issue for us - he's happy in the new place and we both chat normally about our workday with only a little venting from time to time.
The last thing to be careful of is to make sure he isn't taking out his work frustrations on you. It is easy to get defensive and start arguing when it isn't really about you. So I learned to take a step back and calmly point out to him when he was taking something out on me. If I did it in a calm and nice manner, he was able to step back and look at it reasonably too.
It is worth working through these issues together, to find ways to ease the situation for both of you.
I agree with everything that has been said in the posts above. In fact, after I got frustrated and angry with him about his complaints I felt really awful about it, which is why I posted here. I think it is important to stress that I do listen and support him a good majority of the time, and offer advice when I can. However it has been said that it is better to talk about issues than bottle them up and explode, and I think that is what happens to me. I keep it inside when I get frustrated by it, and then I "explode" because of that frustration and say things that I don't mean.
I think that the advice offered has been very helpful, and we are trying to figure out ways where we can support each other. Also, onetier thank you for providing the other side of the coin. It helps to hear the other perspective. Don't misunderstand me when I find comfort in the fact that rosesforme feels the same way as I do sometimes. It does not mean that I am going to think my perspective is right and not support my husband. I do realize how hurtful it can be to not feel the support of your partner, and we are figuring out ways to help each other. I guess it just feels better to hear that others have been through similar situations.
This is essentially what DH and I do. Before he even got his current job (it was one very similar to one I had had in the past) I warned him about "bringing his work home" with him. He works in customer service, and I told him how easily one person can ruin his day if he lets them.
So when he comes home in a huff, all angry, we go for a walk and he has time to vent. it's usually about 20 minutes. I sit and listen to him, and give him advice if he asks, but before 30 minutes is up, he knows enough to stop himself. When he sets a time limit for his b!tching, he is way more capable of moving past it and enjoying the rest of his day. It is easier said than done, and was hard at first, but now it's routine. He changed his actions first, and then his thoughts and feelings followed suit.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and while it's good to support your husband, it's also important for him to recognise when he's dumping too much on you. Sit down and have a talk with him about trying to "leave his work at work" and setting a time limit on the venting, and--like PP said--going for walks.
Best of luck