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How to Handle this... (long)
Some may know after other posts from me... I live with my mom due to losing my job & ex kicking me out. (moved new gf in) & things with ex are better...
My aunt now lives with us (temp) She was victim of tornado & lost everything. I love my aunt dearly & so glad she is ok, but honestly, i am ready to pull my hair out! She is constantly on my case. She literally tells me 'listen to your mother'. She is on many meds & oxygen & i help take care of her. (& her phobias) She gripes that I am not working, but then gripes if I try to leave the house for interview, or when I'm on computer sending resumes. She is racist. I am not. She uses the "N" word & says other things about other races. I have asked her not to say those things in front of DD, she replied with "i am 68 yrs old, i can say what i want". She has even gone so far as to tell me who I should date. I am dating a wonderful, amazing man (taking things slow this time!) & my mom & aunt have met him. My aunt told me that I should be with someone better looking (i find him extremely attractive) & that i have no business dating a man with kids. Even asked me if he dated outside of his race, b/c if he did, i should dump him now.
My sisters (who are older) come around at times, but do not stay long. She has unloaded on them about their kids, etc. I cant leave b/c i live here, so I hear all of it. She even unloads on my 18 yr old son, who has a medical condition.
I have told her that some of the things she says are hurtful, but again, she tells me she can say what she likes. I know everyone is entitled to their opinion, but she can be mean. I do not get upset with her, and bite my tongue a lot, I do this because of what she has been through, but I have had it. How can i be tactful and tell her what she is saying is wrong? (esp when it comes to what she says in front of my DD) I dont want to hurt her feelings, but what can I say? Am I wrong for being bothered by this?
Re: How to Handle this... (long)
You're not wrong by being annoyed and her by her thoughtlessness.
However, if you've already told her that she's being hurtful and you don't want to expose your daughter to this talk and she replied that she doesn't care ... well, you've pretty much done all you can do. Avoid her as much as you can, don't engage in conversation and don't leave your daughter alone with her. And concentrate on getting a job and saving your money so that you can move into your own place.
Also, what does your mother do in these situations? Does she just sit back and allow her sister to verbally abuse you and your kids? Ideally, she'd be telling her sister to knock it off or she has to move out ... but if she's not doing that, then your options are to save money and get your own place, or find somewhere else to stay while you get back on your feet - another relative's house, a shelter, etc. Have you contacted any shelters or women's programs to see if they offer any kind of assistance?
I would start using phrases like "Why would you say such a thing?" and "That's really unkind."
Stay away from her as much as possible - stop helping her out. Tell your kids to avoid her, and remind them constantly that her behavior is unacceptable, and that they should look at her as an example of how not to behave.
In the meantime, apply to any jobs you can in an effort to get out of the house.
Get a job, or two, and get out of your mother's house, and this won't happen to you.
Your mother is allowed to have whoever in her home; and for those people to say whatever she permits them to say. Which, in this case, she apparently has no objection to what your aunt says, or not enough of one to make it stick (which in and of itself should say something to you).
Your mom is letting you live with her out of the goodness of her heart; she has no obligation to you in the slightest. Make the best of it and get out fast.
It's stressful enough to live with a chronically ill loved one; it's even worse when the loved one is adding to the stress.
I think your best bet is to find a new place, asap, even if you have to share a place with another person. You've got a lot on your plate, too, and sounds to me like she's adding to it.
A studio apartment would be a lot better than the living arrangement you have now. Sorry for your troubles.
In the meanwhile, try to lessen your contact with her.
All of this.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
Another ditto.
Sleeping on a couch in a studio would be better than this. Are you receiving any child support from your ex-H?
You do not have to be there just becuase you don't have a job. Get out of the house except for eating and sleeping (and pack sandwiches for most meals).
I don't care if you live in the boonies. You can start walking at 8 am, reach the end of the road at noon, eat a picnic lunch with your DD and start walkng back - and it will be healthier than what you just described.
And I venture to guess that its even easier than that. Spend the day at a library or community center with access to the internet and job applications, and books for your DD.
Yes, she will complain about everything. I have no idea why you choose to be at her beck and call for care. Get the hell out of the house everyday and stay out.
no you're not wrong to not like the things she's saying.
get a 1st and 2nd job, save your $ and move the hell out already. your mom wants aunt to live there? fine. she can take care of aunt.