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Infidelity Recovery...Please Help!
I am 21 and I have been married for a total of 7 weeks to the most wonderful husband a woman could ask for. He is 29 and right after the honeymoon was over I was extremely depressed. Fearing the reality that I was unhappy to say the least was something I don't think my HB wanted to face and therefore he just figured giving me "space" was the best idea. I interpreted that as me being "old news" or that I was just his uninteresting "wife". Other issues also just made me recluse during this time.
I talked to an EX (the only other man I have been with) and long story short went over to chat and a few glasses of wine later.... I am baling afterwards.
I told my HB and at first he thinks this was before we were married but no. Not that I can blame him but he feels insecure and will not talk to anyone about it, I am embarrassed but I did that to my self so I have to take responsibility for it. I just want him to talk to someone because he is not in a good place mentally. He has a history of alcohol and I am so worried. I know we need counseling. I am doing everything I can to be a good wife. I can't believe I let this happen. It hurts so much!!!!!!
Please do not criticize I already feel as terrible as someone can feel. I am doing everything a person can do to try to fix what is broken, I just need advice and someone to tell me it will be Okay. I can't just go talk to my parents or anyone like that about this. I know what I have and I am so stupid not to see that before. I have the most forgiving and considerate and selfless husband and I do not deserve him.
I offered to leave but he doesn't want that. I just want to make him happy. He said that he just wants to be enough for me. I can not seem to convince him of this.
What else can I do aside from making my self accountable to him in every way. Please if you have any help at all I am in need of it. Thank you!
Re: Infidelity Recovery...Please Help!
i'm not going to tell you everything will be 'okay'. i'm going to tell you to look at your situation and really think about what you've gotten yourself into.
7 WEEKS in and you're already looking into counseling?
ETA: AND CHEATING?
i don't think you're ready for marriage and there's nothing wrong with that but you really need to man up and reevaluate your situation.
What exactly is it that is happening here?
When was this? Was this before or during the entire 7 weeks you have been married? Why is he giving you space??
There is a lot here -- more than I can name -- that is not being told about. We need full backstory about the affair; you will get better advice that way.
That said, you are 21 and he is nearly 30. That's a ginormous age difference chronologically and an even bigger one emotionally. A 30 year old is mature and more "set in his ways;" you're 21 and you are still growing emotionally.
Wow....how in heck long did you 2 even know each other before you got engaged? I am willing to bet you had a quickie dating relationship and an even quicker engagement.
....and factor in the fact that 21 is just plain too young for one to marry. You should have waited at least 4 more years before you took the marital plunge with your H -- being you will be growing emotionally at a dizzying clip --- but the horse is already out of the barn on that one.
Have you 2 sought counseling? Wow, if you have an affair on your plate at this stage of your marriage, it makes me wonder if the 2 of you should have married at all. Nobody just ups and decides to have an affair during a time when the 2 of you are supposed to be growing closer together --- an affair shows me that the person who had the affair (whether it was you or him -- or both??? I dunno; what happened here, affair-wise -- more backstory!!!) is definitely not ready for a one on one committment.
What I strongly suggest:
If you and he still have the gumption to want to make this fledgling marrige work, JOINT COUNSELING stat and then some. If you are spiritual, try a faith-based counselor; also see a marriage counselor that is secular and not faith based.
If he refuses counseling, or you do, or the both of you do, there is a way to get over infidelity but what you will be coping with is a fracture of trust. Trust is tough to get back once it's broken and gone.
If you and he have a long talk -- and I suggest one asap -- regarding the affair and the both of you don't see any way back, have this marriage annulled in a civil court.
And counseling FOR YOURSELF. Age 21, newly married and coping with an affair? Wow, that's a lot to "go there." GL.
lemme guess, you had a blast planning the wedding, the day was the best day of your life, the honeymoon was everything you could ever wish for and then you came home and BAM! you're unhappy?
Your H has a history of alcohol problems? Again, is he an active alcoholic? Does he have problems over imbibing? More backstory...
And the fact that you even spoke to an ex, let alone had a few too many, and "one thing led to another..." Don't ask me what I think of that. Of course you know that this was A NO...and I am also willing to bet that you were never quite over this ex and that perhaps your H is the rebound guy that you snached up and married as fast as you could because you broke up with this ex and you couldn't cope with it like an adult.
And this preeety dern clear as crystal that you are NOT an adult at all whatsoever:
I know but I do not want this to come up time and time again later down the road. I want to make sure we deal with it and deal with it completely. I need to fix this, It just scared me that I am 21 and felt like my life was over after the honey moon was over and I realized "what I'd gotten myself into".
Excuse ME???? "thught your life was over after the honeymoon"? Holy Christ on a cracker -- what did you think marriage WAS? a pretty princess day and then after that, everything magically takes care of itself and you'll get a kitten- and puppy-filled marriage????
This marriage had no business happening. Not at all. You don't even realize that marriage is a one on one lifelong committment.
Wow...my head is spinning.
Typical 21 year old. And that you went ahead and had it off with this ex after more than a few drinks shows me that you can use a little touch of Alcoholics Anonymous advice, also.
You were never over this ex. Not in any size shape or form and wow, you had no business talking to this guy whatsovever.
First of all...thank you so much for the help!
Secondly...I know I am too young. Too late now, so I have to fix what I can.
I had the affair a little over a week ago. As for the EX I started talking to him one day and told him I didn't understand why every one thinks I am supposed to be so happy having this "New life" and all. I didn't feel happy and my husband hadn't had sex with me for a week and a half for one reason or another. I go into this "what is wrong with me ? My husband wont even pay attention to me!" mode. He gave me that attention and just talked with me for a while. I helped him with a few decorating suggestions and we had dinner and wine. (I never drink) So I am tired at this point and can't drive and he put on a movie. He started kissing me and so on....Somehow all that happened with out me realizing exactly what was going on. I remember drifting off *not sure for how long) and waking up and getting my clothes and sitting on the sofa crying.
I left and haven't talked to him again. I blocked his number. E-mail, everything.
I knew my HB for 2 and a half years. We were engaged almost a year. I was so happy! We had speed bumps but we were both stressed planning the wedding. We did have counseling through the church. I totally think your idea about a secular person is great. We both are happy to do whatever it takes so we are going to see someone later in the week.
He has been sober for 2 years of the 3 we have been together, I know, I am terrible. I am happy with this man and I have to give this everything I have and take responsibility for it. I had no business doing any of this at all.
I didn't hope that everything would be perfect, I hoped that I could grow with this person and have a life with him that would be loving, I get it...I have failed.
I need to move forward with him together and work though this,
Wow...
You were 18 -- and possibly 17 -- when you got involved with a 26 year old. Lady, are you daft???
,,,and if he was 17, not to also mention the fact that your dad should have been tickled postively ten shades of pink when he found out a full grown man age 26 had dibs on his 17 year old daughter
And a guy with a drinking problem, age 26.
You did not make a rational decision dating this guy, let alone marrying him.
Is he going to AA and/or a drug and alcohol counselor? Probably not -- and that alone shows me that it's a fail; technically he is NOT in recovery; AA likes to call somebody like this a "dry drunk."
where are your parents if you don't mind me asking?
can you talk to them?
I don't know if your parents would help --- if I had a 17/18 year old daughter and she wanted to date a 26 year old guy, I'd say 'nothin' doin'" -- and warn this guy to stay the heck out of his way, stat.
26 and 17/18? NOT a good idea. It's just wrong.
I was 18. I would not call it silly or stupid but It very well could have been more thought out. I would like to say that I make wise decisions most of the time although I do deserve the fact that everyone reading this is laughing. I have stuff together. At 18 I lived in my own house, went to school full time and to work full time at a very good job with a second job just for fun Had a dog, paid my bills and had everything together... you know? It was not uncommon for me to date older men in my opinion. I just skipped like a whole 15 years of life experiences.
He drank because he was in a bad accident and he was always in pain. We have gotten him therapy and what not to help him cope. He was at work when this all happened with the dumb EX.
i was thinking along the lines of an adult who can lead her in the right direction after this huge mistake...
somebody with SOME degree of common sense.. lol
"I just skipped like a whole 15 years of life experiences. "
I don't really mean to pick on you but the situation your in is the exact reason people can't skip ahead in life.
You're supposed to experience things and grow from them
GROW from this, move on, get back on track.
Not at all... I have good parents don't get me wrong.
My mother is alot to take in all at once and she a bit crazy. She kicked me out of the house at 17 because she thought I hired someone to kill her because a car followed her around the High School parking lot. Can't talk to her
My Dad and Step "MOM" and I have a fairly new relationship and they are very good to me but tend to sweep a lot under the rug. That, or I am afraid that they will get defensive and want to remove me from a situation that I am unhappy in. (or was)
What's done is done.
A list of what to consider:
Speak to your clergyperson/counselor and a mental health professional -- you just went through a big major change in your life, plus you had an affair.
Talk to your H; see if you and he can both see a marriage counselor stat and see if you can repair what happened.
Al Anon for you; you have an H who has an alcohol problem. You need a support group.
AA for him. It's a must...and possibly a drug/alcohol counselor.
If you and he have decided that you and he cannot repair your relationship and there's no way back, annullment in a civil court -- and NO DATING for a good year. Avoid all dating, any contact with the opposite sex.
Thank you I am determined to make this turn around and I know that my HB still loves me and I love him, I appreciate your help and your time. I will be working on this list this week.
You need counseling, why would you marry a man you couldn't share your feelings with? Especially about something as important as your marriage?
You need to reconsider your marriage, why you chose to get married, and why you were so inclined to get drunk and hop into bed with an ex.
Typical 21 year old mentality. When I was 18 I lived in my own place, worked 2 jobs (neither for fun, both because I HAD to), paid my bills, was in school full time, had a pet and you know what? I WAS NOT AN ADULT. There is way more to being an adult than living alone and paying bills. I am sure you were very mature for your age.
I'm not trying to be rude, but you need to get that out of your head. People who are mature do not need to make a laundry list of WHY they are mature. NO 18 year old is. If you spent your teen years taking care of others, you need some time to learn how to be selfish and just take care of you. If YOU don't know what you want/need, how can you know what you want/need in someone else?
Are you even done with school? Do you even really know what you want to be when you grow up? (because you are NOT grown up). Have you spent time just focusing on you? Why are you concerned with being a good "wife" rather than a good person, or a happy person? You are so concerned about making him happy and feel better, what about you? You cheated for a reason, you aren't happy, WHY?
I think it would be best to annul this, spend time ALONE, finish school, and get to know who YOU are and what you want before pursuing a serious relationship again.
You need individual therapy and couples' counseling. And this is exactly why we think 21 is way too young to get married. The fact that the actual thought process in your marriage was:
the weddding is over I am depressed= you got married for your pretty princess wedding not the m,arriage
I will give her space because she is depressed,= your husband is incapable of handling emotional difficulty, you can't communicate your feelings to him effectively
he is giving me space so he must not like me,= you are a drama queen. Again the communication issue
I'll go hang out with an ex and get shitfaced= you are immature and wanted external validation instead of talking it out with your husband and explaining what you needed
oops I cheated= cop out. again with the drama queen/attention whore. Instead of talking it out with your H you needed someone else's attention to make you feel special.
she cheated b.c. I am not enough for her = you are both seriously immature and have major communication issues.
You both need to learn to communicate better, to support one another emotionally, and you need individual counseling to learn to have self respect, to handle your emotions maturely, and to get self validation rather than needing attention from your H or an ex. Obviously you cut all contact with the ex and give your husband unlimited access to email, phone, etc but you guys need to get to the root of the problem as well.
Sounds as if you had a blackout while drinking. Even more worrisome. In addition to getting counseling, you should run to the nearest AA meeting and get some education about blackouts.
Just because you are 18 and have adult responsibilities doesn't mean that you are grown-up emotionally. It doesn't mean that you get to skip the process of growing up and learning from your mistakes. In fact, starting out your adulthood this way only holds you back because, as you have found out, you have some regrets and have not had the experiences that help you grow and mature emotionally. The experiences that you skipped to play grown-up are probably the experiences you needed to have in order to date and marry the correct person for you and be able to resolve issues before they got to the point of no return. Your communication skills with your husband would have been better. You probably felt like you were too settled down for a 21 yr old and that's what made you feel depressed and wander back to your ex. All of the fun of the wedding and honeymoon caused a big letdown when reality hit.
I wouldn't try to fix this. I would tell your husband you made a mistake (not in picking him, but in settling down so young) and get divorced. You owe it to your future and to your husband's future. I'd imagine he feels pretty shitty right now.
Learn and move on.
oh, bullshiot
So, let's recap:
You felt that a week and a half without sex was a problem and "woe is me my husband hates me"? Right. The sex life of a marriage goes through peaks and valleys.
You were 7 weeks married, spent time with an X, told him you were unhappy, had sex with him. Now, suddenly, you ARE happy with your husband? I call bullsh!t. You aren't happy, you just feel so bad that you hurt him you want to believe that you really were, and are, happy. You're not. You just aren't.
Feeling that life was over and asking yourself what you had gotten yourself in to at 7 weeks of marriage? Not a good sign.
Forget his drinking, or former drinking issues. Forget it all. That isn't the reason why you cheated. You cheated because you're 21 years old, got stars in your eyes with the idea of a pretty pretty princess day and found out that marriage is hard and takes committment and maturity, neither of which you are able to provide right now.
My advice: this is not something to fix with counseling, AA, Al-Anon, etc. This is something that needs an annullment and for both of you to move on. When cheating happens so quickly it's a symptom of a bigger problem.
I like to call this the "My goodness, wow, was I sh!tfaced last night" syndrome.
You didn't black out -- unless you happen to be a die hard alcoholic or something else happened when you started to drink with this guy -- I'm thinking something else -- but my guess is you are taking the "well, I was drinking and I was so out of it I dunno what I was doing" road to make an excuse for your unacceptable behavior.
And your parents must be more than a little eclectic themselves --- you shold have been told no way in hell did you need a 26 year old guy when they found out exactly how old he was. As I said, 18 and 26 is a HUGE age difference, both emotionally and chronologically.
And I also wonder what a 26 year old man would have in common with a girl straight out of high school....or a high school girl. The whole thing gives me the creebie jeebies.
It's just WRONG. You don't date a 26 year old guy at 17/18....and you sure don't marry one 3 years later. (and one with a nice drinking problem??? Let's go there for a second -- why do you want a guy who had a problem with his drinking? This is where you should have run like hell)
But not to worry. THings were crappy at home so you probably used this guy as a way out of your house, right?
Dude, you had exactly ONE BOYFRIEND....and that was when you were in high school. That's high school dating; strictly social.
And you went from that breakup to another relationship, your first one as a chronological adult...and this is who you married 3 years later. (Willing to bet that it was a rocky one, also but you still went ahead and married this guy) Wrong again --- you don't get married at 21. Way too young to get married. Anybody on this board will tell you that.
That, or she was potentially roofied. That worries me.
"I hoped that I could grow with this person and have a life with him that would be loving"
Did you hope this when you were grinding on someone else??? You dont have to preach your sorrow to us.. Noone is going to side with you on this because you are in the wrong...
Everyone fails in their life but how could you really do it within the first few months of your wedding????? My 2 month annivesary is coming up in July and I couldnt even dream of hurting my H the way you did yours. My hear hurts for him and I can only imagine what he is going through. It is in yalls best interest to end it!!!
I am 21 and was married at 20. My husband is 28. This isn't always true and depends on the person and situation. My husband and I have a strong and amazing marriage.