Miscarriage related: Would you send flowers?

Passanie

Friends of ours just had a miscarriage. At 16 weeks -- is that unusual? Would flowers be appropriate? When I first suggested it, dh expressed some discomfort because he didn't feel like it was public knowledge yet, but maybe after a few days? Clearly, I have no clue what would be appropriate in this situation.

hannikan

Well, since 10-20 % of pregnancies end in miscarriage, it isn't uncommon. At 16 wks she was 4 mos into her PG, which is almost halfway through. Only about 2% of PG miscarry at this point. But regardless of any of the science, it's obviously always traumatic to lose your baby. I think your idea of sending flowers is very thoughtful. I would wait until you know it's public knowledge. Are you close enough to the woman that she would mention it to you? If so, I think it would be a very nice thing to send flowers. But I understand your DH's hesitation if you aren't sure she is open to people knowing.

MadameD517

It's definitely after everyone thinks they're in the "mostly safe" zone. If the friends told you themselves I would send flowers and a nice card, that's got to be so hard. If you heard it through the grapevine I would wait until you can see them in person as it might be a little awkward, but that's just me.

RoxysMama

MadameD517:

It's definitely after everyone thinks they're in the "mostly safe" zone. If the friends told you themselves I would send flowers and a nice card, that's got to be so hard. If you heard it through the grapevine I would wait until you can see them in person as it might be a little awkward, but that's just me.

Agreed. and now a bit nervous...

mrscerruti2be

No.

MeggyO

Now my m/c have all been in the first trimester, but I hated when anyone even referenced it (down to the sympathetic "how are you doing?") But maybe that's me. I wouldn't want flowers. I would just want to forget it.

Passanie

mrscerruti2be:

No.

Why not? And which question are you answering? Explain please.

secretkeeper321

MeggyO:

I've never had to go through this myself, but I totally agree with MeggyO.

It is a sweet thought and I totally get it.

If you are close enough to call her up, do that and just be a friend, but flowers feel like a big delivered reminder.

Passanie

MeggyO:

Now my m/c have all been in the first trimester, but I hated when anyone even referenced it (down to the sympathetic "how are you doing?") But maybe that's me. I wouldn't want flowers. I would just want to forget it.

That's a very good point. And duh, I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but we'll just ask the fiance what's appropriate. Dh is good friends with him. I'm not really friends with her.

abvernon

Passanie:

MeggyO:

Now my m/c have all been in the first trimester, but I hated when anyone even referenced it (down to the sympathetic "how are you doing?") But maybe that's me. I wouldn't want flowers. I would just want to forget it.

That's a very good point. And duh, I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but we'll just ask the fiance what's appropriate. Dh is good friends with him. I'm not really friends with her.

I have to agree with this. The flowers and card might be a constant reminder of it and just want to forget it and move on.

mrscerruti2be

No I would not send flowers.  For the exact reason that MeggyO said.  It is a sensitive and private subject.

Celyn

When I miscarried the first time, my SMIL sent me a beautiful plant basket.  I thought it was incredibly thoughtful and I really appreciated it.  Everyone responds to miscarriages differently, but I don't know anyone who hasn't grieved, especially when the loss is second trimester.  Personally, I think acknowledging the loss with flowers is appropriate.

tonic

Celyn:

When I miscarried the first time, my SMIL sent me a beautiful plant basket.  I thought it was incredibly thoughtful and I really appreciated it.  Everyone responds to miscarriages differently, but I don't know anyone who hasn't grieved, especially when the loss is second trimester.  Personally, I think acknowledging the loss with flowers is appropriate.

I agree with this. I think its important to acknowledge the loss in some way. At least, thats how I felt when it happened to me (although much earlier). 

wldktz10

I would send flowers. Regardless of the circumstances it is a hard thing to go through and your friend will appreciate the love and support you would be showing her.

Dragonfly_Bride

16 weeks...well, that is just devastating. I sort of feel that if you aren't sure you should send flowers, then don't. I don't think I would. I have sent notes to friends who have experienced miscarriage, just a simple "thinking about you." I hope it gave them some comfort...  

loriruth

I agree with pp's that said to wait for a bit, to see when the news breaks.  After you feel comfortable that more people know, I think that flowers would be a really great idea.

andrea3122

Speaking for myself, I received several bouquets of flowers and I appreciated them so much. I couldn't talk to anyone for weeks after our m/c and the cards and emails I received just saying that people were thinking about me really helped. I isolated myself and it helped to know that I wasn't alone, even though I really felt like I was.