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trying to keep TTC from my MIL
Hello I'm very new to all this so please bare with me. I have a MIL who I can't get along with. She has 2 kids(boys) I married the oldest and she doesn't treat him very well at all she treats him 2nd best to her other son (who my DH and I like to say the golden child). She never got to have a little girl and her other son got his GF pregnant and they had the little girl she never got to have now the baby is a little over a year old and they just got married. So now I'm treated 2nd best to my SIL and thats VERY frustrating. I'm worried that when we do have a baby she'll treat our kids 2nd best to their kid (who by the way is their 1st grandchild) but that was just to fill you in on how she is towards us. She always talks down to us and they always talk to us like every decision we make is dumb or that we need to wait and at times it just gets so exhausting and over whelming that I have now come to the point we are not going to tell them we are trying or that were evening pregnant until we find out the sex. I just don't really want anything to do with her she is as I would liek to say so far up their butts that she doesnt' even know we exsist anymore. There are a couple slight problems with keeping it a secret though my DH works with his dad and we live right up the road from his parents as well but we never go down there. If I get pregnant I want my DH at some of the appts I jsut don't want his dad to know. I'm so confused can someone help me on some tips on how to keep it secret and then if/when we have baby how can I ensure it will be treated equal cas once I have baby I will no longer care how she treats me or DH but I do not want her walking all over our kids the way she does us. Can any one relate and give me some advise please!
Re: trying to keep TTC from my MIL
First off, your post is a wall of text. Paragraphs are your friend. And they make it easier to read, and more likely you'll get some helpful input. They're in your best interest, so please edit your post.
The problem as I see it is that you're too close to your ILs, both physically (in terms of where you live) and economically/job-related (that your H works for his father). There will be those who disagree with me, but IMO, that just makes your life all the harder in terms of getting along and keeping secrets/maintaining privacy. Can you move? Have you considered it?
How does your H feel about her treatment of you? Is he on the same page as you are or does he think it's not a big deal? Because if you want to change things around, he's going to have to be with you, and committed to change just as you are. If he's not, well, this is likely not going to change and it'll cause a lot of friction in your marriage (if it isn't already).
I'm really confused why you think it would be difficult to hide the fact that you're TTC from your ILs.
1. Your sex life is none of their business. Don't tell them you're trying.
2. If you get pregnant, they don't need to know until you're ready. Don't tell them.
3. If your husband has to explain every absence in detail to his employer (his dad), he needs to get a new job. A simple "I have an appointment and will be in a little late next Monday" would satisfy any other employer. It should work with his dad.
Getting worked up about how they'll treat your child is useless right now. You don't have a child. You don't know that he/she'll be treated differently.
Paragraphs would be lovely....besides that...
NEVER EVER EVER EVER tell your IL's you are ttc. Because then every month (if they were interested) you'd have to answer to them. If you don't get pg quickly, it will become depressing and upsetting.
Your first dr's appt is at about 6 weeks for confirmation and then the next is at 12 weeks. Your husband should easily be able to get the time of from his dad w/no questions. Just don't pick up your DH from work.
I understand feeling like you are treated 2nd best - that's me w/my DH's family.
Why on earth do you think that it will be difficult to "hide" that you're TTC from your MIL? Unless your sex life is a regular topic of conversation at family dinners, this should be super easy to do.
Most women are showing somewhat by the time of their anatomy scan - what makes that time "the" time that you'd tell your inlaws that you are pregnant?
You and your husband need to gain a little bit of maturity and distance from your inlaws; I'd recommend doing so before you worry about getting pregnant.
well, it's also not that hard to NOT discuss your sex life with them either.
Parents know where babies come from, you don't have to draw diagrams for them if you are or are not TTC.
waves to Irish!
Sorry in advance if I come off harsh, just being blunt:
1- they don't ever have to know what goes on in your bedroom (do they buy you all BC?)
2- Why are you worried about how they treat your child?? Of course if your DH and you are second class citizens... your child will be too... deal with it and realize that it doesn't matter if your child is #1 to anyone besides the two of you.
3- And honestly, our doc has a 10-12 week appointment to confirm pregnancy and then they order an U/S to date the pregnancy... but you'd probably be showing by the 20 week anatomy scan...it would be highly unusual not to be. And who cares if they know??? Why would knowing the gender make a difference??? Do you really think that if it would be a girl they would treat her better than if you have a boy??? That is crazy speak...refer to #2...
I agree with PPs; your sex life is your business. Of course, if you did get pregnant, there comes a time when you just can't hide it anymore, but for the meantime, just don't say anything. If they have the gall to ask "when you plan to have grandbabies for them," tell them that it is none of their concern.
Usually, unless it is known that a couple has had struggles with infertility, when they make the decision to TTC is their own private matter.
The sooner you stop worrying about what the ILs think, the better.
The sooner you realize you will never ever ever have any control over how they treat anyone, the better.
The sooner you focus on living your life with DH and working on your core family, regardless of what the ILs will think, do or say, the better.
If your DH employs good boundaries with his family - meaning, he doesn't divulge ever little thing about your lives to them - there is no reason you can't do all of the above.
If you have a child, do you seriously want to teach him/her that they are going to have to battle for affection from people? No... you'll want and hope for them to be and feel secure in themselves and live their lives with confidence regardless of the opinions of others. So start setting that example now.
I do agree with your feeling that if your H is treated like a second class citizen, then your children probably will be, too. That is one reason dh cut contact with his stepmom and dad. That was unacceptible to us.
However, with all of this secrecy - - do you want your ILS to NEVER know that you are pg? Do you expect them to hear about your pregnancy from neighbors, family friends, or someone who runs into you in the grocery store while you are "showing?" That's not a mature way to handle your problems and your communication with your ILS. Especially if your DH works for his dad. After all, you are still on speaking terms with your ILS, so it is wierd not to share news that should be joyous.
I am all about privacy - I kept my pregnancy quiet until I was over 12 weeks along, but my parents and dh's dad/stepmom were among the first I told.
The content of your post, along with your wall of text, makes me think that your ILS might be right - - you might not be that mature. Adults can find employment working for someone other than their dad. They handle people telling them what to do by saying "thanks, we've got it handled." They can manage to keep their private life private and still not keep unnecessary secrets.
When the baby is born, you aren't obligated to take MILs parenting advice, or bring the baby over.
Few questions for you:
Do you secretly want her to know that you're TTC? I know you say that you want to keep it a secret, but does some part of you think that if she finds out that you're trying, that she'll like you more/treat you guys better because there's another grandchild coming along for her? My MIL, who DH and I don't get along with, is constantly asking when there will be babies, making it apparent that she would be very happy with a pregnancy announcement.
Is your FIL super nosey? As other posters have said, most jobs don't require you to tell your boss what you're doing with your day off. If he's going into work late or leaving early, can't DH simply say he's got a dentist appt or something? Nothing about going to the ob/gyn with you should be brought up or assumed by your FIL, since I'm sure his other employees also have doctors' appts.
Are you often trying to smooth things over with your ILs? I ask because it sounds like you're in a situation very similar to mine, which is that you try to keep the peace, even though your SIL is treated much better than you are (in my case, my SIL is engaged to be married at the end of this month, and my ILs treat her fiance like GOLD, whereas I am treated in a completely opposite fashion, no matter how polite/kind/generous DH and I are towards them), and your ILs still seem to overlook your efforts. If that's the case, then keeping your distance and keeping your plans to yourself is your best bet.
Don't worry so much about this. As others have said, TTC is personal and private (who, if anyone, wants to think about how much planned sex you guys are having?!) and is probably one of the most fun secrets you can keep
When you guys do get pregnant, you'll have a great time basking in the attention of those you love you and want the best for you and your baby!
I could not have said it better!
Here's the thing its a family buisness so no other job for him is acceptable. Second to me TTC isn't "let's talk about sex" it's about trying for a child, there's a difference. My husband is on call 24/7 and so we're in contact with them often. I want a baby and have for a long time but I don't want them knowing for a while. Thank you to everyone who actually understands and gets "it" (on being treated second best). That's a topic all in itself. Another thing to who started off with how old are you, it's not relevent and comes off rude. I'm just try to get advice not comments on how I write or "just don't talk about sex".
I just pretty much would like to know if anyone else has been through a similar situation and how they got through it. I'm not meaning any of this to sound rude, but I just think that some of you were quick to answer with just don't talk about sex. We don't talk about sex with them ever, but are happy to start trying, we just don't want them knowing just yet. We would love to tell some people because we are happy and excited.
Also moving is not and option either. We have land (a hay field), land isn't cheap around here and there aren't many places we can afford. It's another way of income and times are hard.
Thank you to all the advice, whetherit was for writing, talking to people about TTC and especially to the ones who know exactly what I'm going through, it's good to know I'm not the only one.
It's not me keeping it a secret forever I just don't want anyone to know right off the bat in case something happens, God forbid. They are the type of IL's to be the first to try and say that we are in the wrong or we're too dumb (tells my DH that a lot). I have even tried to think of fun ways to surprise and tell them once it happens. My MIL used to ask us until the BIL had the girl she never got to have. After that it was who cares, when we eould try and drop hints that we wanted one, so we decided not to tell them right away.
He's not as nosy but since they are family he kind of likes to butt in more than a normal boss. He can't say he's going to the dentist because his mom is his dental hygenist haha, but I get you're point just to make something up.
I've tried everything and still do. I'm kind of at my witts end with it all. It's overwhelming at times. I still try to help them out with anything they need with their farm and things like that, but they make it so difficult. We can't go five minutes talking with them before they talk all about the BIL,SIL and niece and for once we would like to just let them know whats going on in our lives without interuptions or and " I don't really care attitude". I was raised no matter what you treat your parents with respect and I feel like I should ILs too. It's hard to give respect when you don't recieve it. I think you're right keeping the distance will be the best thing at this point in time.
Thank you so much for being understanding and patient with me since I'm new and all.