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What do we call her?
My father remarried several years ago to a women he's been with for about 10 years now. I barely know her -- they live on the other side of the country. My dad visits me a few times a year, but I only see her about once every year to 18 months. She's a nice enough woman; I just don't know her.
They're coming to visit and stay with us for a weekend, and I don't know what to have my DS call her. We've avoided the issue thus far -- DS has only met her twice, and he was a baby both times. I asked my dad what she wanted to be called, and he said she wanted to leave that up to us.
My mom is grandma, and DH's mom is nana, and it just seems strange to give her a name like that since DS doesn't know her. On the other hand, I'm not crazy about DS calling her by her first name. My dad said that she feels like she's not part of the family, and I don't want to alienate her further, although I don't know how she thinks she can be "part of the family" if we almost never see her.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
Re: What do we call her?
What about a cute nickname for grandma? There's many: Nanna, Memom, Mimi -- I like Mimi.
If he already calls your mother one of those nicknames, how about Mimi Herfirstname?
OR...let this nice woman make the call herself
. Let her pick out something she likes; this will indeed make her part of things.:)
What's her first name? Is it something that lends itself to being added to one of the commonly accepted titles for "grandma" that are out there? Like if she's Ann, maybe "Anna" (Ann + nana)? Or maybe just attaching her name to the title, like "Grandma Sarah"? People have multiple Aunts and Uncles and attaching the name to the title is standard, so why not here?
Alternatively, if she's not from the US and has a different native language or culture, you could call her by that language's term for grandmother. We used to call my grandma "Safta" (grandma in Hebrew) 'cause that's where she was from and where she lived.
Are there any cute names based in her, or your, ethnicity?
If not, what about something like Gigi, Mimi, Nina, or Mia? Those are titles that my friends have had their babies call their stepmothers or other important older women (great aunts, etc.). I'm sure having some sort of name for her would make her feel special.
This.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
+1
I would have just had your kids address her by her first name, but since you don't seem to be comfortable with that, this is the best compromise.
I think the name moniker is just a symptom of a deeper issue.
It doesn't matter what your DS calls her. It matters that you feel like your father is married to a stranger.
The name you choose (or don't choose to skirt the whole issue) will either build a bridge or highlight a deficiency.
There is nothing wrong with DS calling her "Mrs. So&so". It's correct and propper.
If you want her to have an endearing nickname, as the wife of your father, she simply is allowed it. She doesn't have to "know" your child to be granted it. My alzheimer grandmom didn't loose her moniker b/c she didn't know/recognize my DD.
"Grandma Firstname" will probably cover all bases. Especially for a weekend. This may feel more natural when you resolve the underlying issues.
Good luck.
She's your father's wife, so she is your step-mother and your children's step-grandma. There's nothing wrong with having your kids call her grandmother or some variation. Trust me, many people (like me), have biological grandparents that they are not close to, how is this any different than that? On the flipside, my kids are very close with my father's girlfriend. They call her by her first name. That doesn't mean they love her any less. It's just a name, it's not that big of a deal as long as everyone is happy with it. So maybe have a talk with her rather than your father and ask her what she wants to be called and tell her that you were thinking Mimi or Gigi or Grandma Moses or whatever. And if she chooses to be called by her first name, just go with it.
My grandfather re-married when I was fairly young. She had some grandkids who called her Nanny, so we call her that as well.
I think by not extending some nick-name you will be alienating her and possibly not making her feel welcome in your family.