Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Dinner w/the IL's last night - Vent
And on the pie - if you're IL's are hoarders and if they actually don't like to go out all that much, having to go out to buy dessert may have been a major annoyance to them. You put it on them to 'decline' bringing a dessert. No- that's not fair.
As others said, when we host, we plan on supplying everything. If people offer to bring something, we'll accept, but I never, ever expect it and I never TELL people what to bring.
Spin it however you want, but this WAS rude of you.
I get it that your IL's are hard to deal with. Again, I do sympathize. But you have to acknowledge your own contribution to the problem. Putting people on the spot about why they are late is just simply rude. TELLING them to bring something is rude.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Again, let me stress that my FIL is IM-POSS-IBLE to talk to. No, I'm not exaggerating. I literally stumble over my words when I have to interact with him, and this is very opposite of my personality as I can make conversation with just about anyone. One time, I found myself talking to him about electricity. Yep, lights. DH had called him over to house for an issue when we first moved in and for a period of time, FIL and I were alone and the silence was so awkward & so uncomfortable, that I found myself pulling any subject that I could think of. Yep, after I asked him how work was going, the weather, ect. it became lights. The entire conversation probably lasted about 15 minutes for all of the topics too just to show how it's like pulling teeth to socialize with him. Just picture an episode of Seinfeld, only not funny, just topics about complete nothing.
A PP had mentioned that I was trying too hard & I agree. I can't help it, but I take it personally and feel that by someone acting that way, it's because of me. Therefore, this causes me to try to get to know them better & make conversation in any way I can. But, now with advice from here & being around FIL on numerous occassions, I see that isn't always the case and I just need to focus my efforts on people who want to converse with me. That it isn't anything personal, that's just the way FIL is.
I appreciate everyone's advice on here, really I do. I also never meant for a small, 6-person dinner to have so many standards/ettiquette rules to apply. It was just DH's parents along with my dad & his GF - I never thought it was rude to ask them both to bring something. Had it been a different party, then yeah, I can see that. Not to compare, but sheesh, I see people's parents coming over to their homes to help them CLEAN before a party and/or afterward, set-up, pick up a few groceries, decorate, ect....I would never ask/expect that from mine/ours! Infact, when my dad's GF got up after dinner & asked if she could even help clear the table, I told her that was nice but not necessary. I pride myself in my home & gatherings & would never want to be rude/come off as rude, so I will definitely take that advice into consideration.
two additional thoughts:
1- on talking to FIL... honestly, it's probably painful for him too. Leave the room! be polite, say "Oh, I have to do __. I'll be right back.". He'd actually probably rather be left alone that forced into a conversation. I know people like him - who will really just sit there and stare at you and not talk and be perfectly content to do so.
2- on dinner/ starting to eat... I can't remember if you said they are late a lot. My advice for the future - give them a time to come over that's well before dinner. You want to eat AT 7? Then tell them 6:30. If they get there at 6:30, great. But if they are a 1/2 hour late - that's fine, they aren't holding up dinner.
Even lateness issues aside (which we deal w/ in SPADES w/ my IL's), I always tell people to come over about a 1/2 hour or so before dinner is to be served - to give us time to talk, etc.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
1.) I will have to start doing this. It is extremely foreign for me not to chat with people & especially if they're family & in our home. Infact, DH and I made a joke when both sets of parents left saying if we could draw a thought bubble above each of their heads, my dad's would say, "Sheesh, this FIL guy is a tough crowd...c'mon give me somethin' to talk about!" & DH's dad's would say, "Omg, does this guy ever shut up??" LOL, as you can imagine, our families are night & day.
2.) They have been late to our home for a party before, but not enough for it to be a 'problem' per se. DH told them dinner was at 7, but feel free to come over anytime after 6:30 (I don't get home til 6 & wanted to be able to change out of my work clothes real quick - DH gets home earlier than me) to come hang out. My dad & his gf showed up at 6:45.
A PP had mentioned that she didn't know why MIL didn't just come to our home instead of waiting for FIL, since they live 5 min away. I thought that was a good question. DH & I kinda wondered this ourselves. DH said to me, "Instead of waiting around on my dad, my mom could've come over herself to hang out?" Then, I kind of thought to myself, hmm I wonder if FIL would even show if she wasn't there to force him, ha.
Great advice, Cas! We have actually. For Mother's Day, we took MIL out to lunch...umm she brought FIL. She always does that. DH will call her and just say, "Shanner & I would love for you - or want to invite you...", etc. & then her AND FIL will come. I think MIL means well, but the relationship she wants DH and FIL and also me & FIL to have is forced. She calls our house for FIL speaking for him & when DH calls their house to speak w/FIL & MIL is the one who answers, she will say, "Oh just tell me, I can tell FIL..", which I find strange. DH is good about it and has started saying, "No mom, I can tell dad/want to tell him..". Not to say any family dynamic is 'perfect', but theirs is very strange - it lacks A LOT of communication.
Also, of course your DH shouldn't be forced into any relationship with his dad that he doesn't want, but perhaps it would be less painful for all involved if your DH occasionally asked his dad to do something very specific based around his interests. I think you mentioned that your FIL likes cars? So maybe your DH can ask him to go to a car show - they are still spending time together, but conversation will likely be less painful and all based around the cars they are looking at. Doing this occasionally also might make your MIL feel less inclined to have to include FIL in every single thing she does with you.
One last thought - when you do things with the two of them, maybe take the same approach of trying to do a specific activity where conversation can be small talk focused around that activity or not required - mini-golf, bowling, a concert, a movie, etc.
The Mother's Day lunch was made clear that it was mine & DH's 'treat' obviously, soo when she brought FIL along (and not to mention, BIL too - DH's younger brother), & they didn't offer to pay for themselves (we only had planned on paying for MIL since it was 'her day' and all), it made things awkward on all and we just ended up paying for everyone. I just think when those specifications are known, either MIL should have prepped BIL & FIL to pay for themselves ahead of time (to avoid the akward in the moment when the check arrives) or not include them at all.
But yeah, I get what you're saying. Do activities that just pertain to her. Lunch is broad - so we will have to try something more unique w/her or them.
As for keeping conversation 'light' and keeping the attention/focus on the activity at hand...this is probably right here ONE of the biggest reasons that DH and I have little to no interest in spending time w/IL's. If there is any discussion, it is us asking about their lives. Everytime we incoporate our lives into the convo & what we're up to, there's no fuel/no questions asked and all interest lost with them. I don't want to just mini golf with people just "to be" with them physically. I would have a better time hanging out with a brick to be honest!
I want to be around people that DH & I can 'connect' with & care about us and our interests just as much as we care about theirs & ask questions and get to know us.
I guess it comes down to what is important to your DH. Does he want a relationship with his parents? If so, then you just need to adjust your thinking about how things should be and deal with how they are. Sure, you'd rather spend time with someone you can connect with, but at least adjusting what you do with them will make the lack of connection less painful and obvious. It's much easier to make small talk on a mini-golf course (oh man, look at this hole! Which way are you planning on going around this obstacle? Great shot!) than it is around a dinner table. And who knows, you may find that you don't completely hate spending time with them when it's done so in that type of environment.
But if your DH doesn't care to have a better relationship with his parents, then just ignore the above
If you made it clear in your invitation that you wanted to take her out for Mother's Day lunch, "just the three of you", then you MIL was very rude to invite/bring along FIL and BIL. You should have said as you were all ordering to the waiter/waitress that, since it was Mother's Day, you, your husband, and MIL would be on one ticket together, as your treat. Let FIL and BIL figure out how to handle their meals. You still could have asked the waitstaff to separate the check when it arrived, if you hadn't when ordering.
Sorry, but my first reaction to this is, "Aren't you two a load of fun?" You'd rather hang out with a brick? Not every relationship needs to be a "deep, meaningful talk about your lives and feelings" kind of thing. You honestly don't do activities with your other friends where you just hang out and play mini-golf (or whatever) and have fun? Though it doesn't sound like your ILs would be the mini-golf fun type of people. They are just not very social. They don't like to have deep conversations. Stop expecting them to behave like different people that they aren't.
It sounds like your dad and his gf are very nice, well-functioning people. And having a casual relationship with those sorts of family members is perfect. 10 minutes before dropping over, asking them to bring something, not a problem. Everyone relies on one another.
Mentally ill parents are a whole different game. You honestly can expect them to conform to how normal people behave. But that also doesn't mean they are completely unresponsible for their misbehavior. You need to find a good way to cope with the situation and change your expectations.
Have you guys considered meeting a couple times with a therapist to discuss? A therapist could give you some ideas for approaching them. Ideally they will have much experience dealing with folks with similar issues. I would find a therapist who focuses on family issues. Should be pretty straightforward to find.
I also think meeting his family out is he best option and you paying for that. Try pizza or Groupons or Restaurants.com for some inexpensive options. I would probably avoid their house if they are actually hoarders. But again a therapist can give advice there.
Good luck finding a way to improve he situation.