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Family Question...Am I crazy!?
So I am mainly a lurker, but decided to get advice from people who do not already know the situation first hand or from previous conversations. I basically want to know if the way myself and my brother are feeling is wrong, right or some where in between 
Background: Our father passed away 3.5 years ago from an aggressive fast moving cancer (pancreatic). My mother and father were young (48-m and 50-d) and married for 30 years. About 7 months ago my mom started dating. We think that her dating is a good thing, she is young, active and deserves to be happy and have a companion. Here's the not so good part....the man she is dating is twice divorced, recently had one of his vehicles repossessed, and filed for bankruptcy. He blames this on his most current ex-wife (whom I recently found out the divorce is not official though they have been separated for almost 2 years). My mother kept him a secret from me for about 2 months until she finally had to tell me, though a part of me was sad because it is realization my father has truly passed I was happy for her and expressed that to her. I just found out yesterday that she has been hiding the fact that he now lives with her, through a facebook posting on his son's wall (yes, I was being nosey!). He was always there when I went to visit but she claimed that it was because he and his son live in a tiny one bedroom apt and she doesn't want to go there. (My mother has a 4 bedroom house.) He does seem nice enough but, he already acts as if it is his house walking around shirtless, making lewd jokes in front of me, and just other things that make me uncomfortable. My mother acts as if she is afraid to say anything to him as he appears to do what he wants. I did share this with my mother recently and she gets upset saying she has never seen grown kids act this way to their mother and their boyfriend, it is her life and she is going to live it the way she wants.
Here is my question am I wrong to think that her bf is using her? Or am I just being too harsh and judgemental?
Re: Family Question...Am I crazy!?
Using her? Does she get anything out of the arrangment? Like sex, company, loyalty?
This guy wouldn't be my first choice for my mother either. But he's probalby a really easy relationship for her. She gets to live in her house, on her terms with a guy who really, really wants to be there.
Approve the relationship, ask her to protect her money and let her be.
Well, it's her choice as an adult to put up with someone that may or may not be moochy.
It's certainly your choice to feel it isn't in her best interest and it is your choice to mourn your father in any way that you see fit.
But you don't get to tell her what to do.
Yes, it is tough. After my parents got divorced, my mom dated a guy for a year and a half that eventually ended with 2 restraining orders.
We all have sympathy for your frustration and understand you want her to be happy. It sounds like things would be easier if you were able to visit her without him there, so maybe you should invite her out for coffee/lunch and have some one on one time with her.
I would tell her that is upsets you to find she is lying to you - and that his son knows things about their relationship that you don't. Also that her lying about this guy will put a wedge in your relationship, b/c lying is not ok with you - even from your own mom (or especially from your mom!).
I do think moving in is too soon! Even though she is an adult, but you can't tell her how to live her life unfortunately.
I would also warn her about her bank accounts, privacy, and passwords, especially on electronic passwords. Tell her she is an adult, but you would recommend she put on a credit hold b/c as Suze Orman says "bankruptcy isn't about the money." Also I would find a way to say that a man who doesn't take the blame for his financial problems will never learn from his mistakes.
If she ever complains about him, then you can say "as long as you're with him living in your house, you'll never meet Mr. Right."
Has she done grief counseling? Maybe you can do it as a family. She might be latching onto this guy b/c she doesn't want to fall in love again - she might be afraid of being alone, but afraid of falling in love. So she chooses someone (this guy) who really isn't that great.
I would definitely be concerned.
Exhibit A: Mom, recently widowed, vulnerable, lonely
Exhibit B: New BF, bankrupt, twice divorced
Exhibit C: New BF moves in with Mom, does not allow private time with her family, Mom is afraid to rock the boat because she is afraid he will abandon her.
Not a good situation from where I sit. I would definitely suggest Mom keeps good tabs on all her monies and assets, and does not allow him near any of it. Not all swindlers and players are young......there are predators of all kinds out there, and this sure looks like one.
True, she is an adult, but a grieving person is not thinking clearly about what is best for them, they are looking for a bandage for the wound, and will latch onto whatever they can find.
This is my 2 cents on the subject........hope your Mom will be OK through all this.