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Positive Ways to Cope W/ Situation
Actually, maybe I will go ahead and post some of my situation to see if someone can provide me with some positive ways to cope until I can get a counseling appointment. Hopefully they can get me in next week before this continues to get worse.
At 28 years old plus married with a child I have come to the realization (FINALLY) that my father and gma (his mother) have been using a number of techniques to control me over the years.
It has finally gotten to the point that I recognize it and want to deal with it without walking way from them since they are my family.
They do use guilt a lot. This has recently bubbled up because my husband and I were unable to attend two recent family functions due to a prior engagement for one of them and wanting to spend time as a unit (him, dd, and I) instead of dinner the other night that would have ended long after her bedtime.
The end result with my family was not pretty. Currently, we are not speaking after having very unproductive conversations with my father and gma after we told them we would not be attending.
I've pretty much sealed the deal on being the family black sheep at this point due to trying to set boundaries for my own life/family.
It seems like the harder I try the worse it gets. I have to be careful what I say to them when we do talk (which I avoid) because if I give them any inkling of what I'm doing in my free time they get offended we weren't with them.
We both work FT plus spend time he DH's family, our friends, and ourselves.
I'm getting the impression more and more that my family thinks I owe them for raising me and that they should get a say in what I do with my time, money, and life.
The more this happens the less I want to be around which I know makes the situation worse.
So is there a constructive way to handle this?
They are my family and I don't want to walk away but I also hate conflict so it is so hard talking to them because I have to defend my every move it seems.
Re: Positive Ways to Cope W/ Situation
It doesn't sound very pleasant to be with them. When you get the point where it is not pleasant to be with them, and you can't even have the shortest conversation with them without it being twisted, you probably should sever contact unfortunately... or severely limit it.
The constantly wanting you to be with them and not understanding that you have other obligations seems dysfunctional, so does the idea that you owe them for raising you.
They should not be discussing your finances at all, nor should they care where you go when you're not with them. It's not normal. I want to stress that that isn't part of being "family." It's just not.
It isn't. It hasn't been for a number of years however I have kind of just managed. With the grandchild in the picture and my grandfather now gone things have escalated immensely.
My dad is an only child and his mom (gma) is now widowed so I think he feeds off of her. They also live like 5 miles from each other along with my sister who they do everything for since she is a single mom.
My DH and I are financially independent (unlike my sister) and rely on them for nothing which I think also bothers them since they don't have that aspect of control.
I know it is even starting to bother my DH who doesn't get involved at all because he suggested offering them all of our savings the other night to get them to back off for whatever they think I "owe" then for raising me.
This is all really getting to me because I really just want to live my life drama free. That isn't possibly with my family where there is no such thing as an option. Everything with them is a guilt ridden requirement with serious drama to follow if you don't meet their expectations.
Currently, we are not speaking after having very unproductive conversations with my father and gma after we told them we would not be attending.
Maybe I'm misreading this, but this says to me that you try to explain why you aren't coming. You give them your list of reasons.
My advice? Stop. Just say "we're busy". They ask w/ what, you say "the specifics dont' matter. We unfortunately won't be able to attend." or "it's not your concern".
Let them get mad. But by explaining yourselves to them, you're only telling them that they have a say and that they can pick apart your reasons.
So... don't give them reasons.
With how you describe them, chances are just saying "we're busy" won't really make them back off and accept it, but it's worth a try. AND if nothing else, you save yourself from having to argue your side.
And to add- if they keep pushing, you can say "I'm not going to discuss this anymore. I'll talk to you another time." and then you hang up, or leave, or... whatever you need to do.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yes, that's true. She shouldn't have to justify herself.
I don't have the same scale of problem as you do, but I know that when DH and I got married we had to set boundaries with his family right from the beginning. When we got married, the whole family had a routine of going on weeklong vacations together, had lunch together at a restaurant every Saturday, and ate at their home every Sunday. We had to say "no" right from the beginning: that we were taking our own vacation and either eating Saturday or Sunday, but not both, etc.
I agree that I would stop trying to justify yourself and limit the times you're around them. It sounds like there's really nothing you can say that won't cause some kind of conflict. That's tough.
I hope it works out for you.
I reread your post. That's sick that they would almost prefer you to be destitute because it feeds into their need for control. I bet your DH wasn't serious, but I would not offer your savings or even mention that because it's not about the money, it's about the need to control.
I know it's hard. I am adopting now, and my mom is pretty much against it. She has so many false narratives and ideas that as soon as I knock one down, another takes its place. I sometimes feel that she takes what I say and twists it, that there's almost nothing that I can say that won't lead to some weird statement or mini-conflict.
As a result, I only talk about happy, uplifting, light things, like school preparations I'm making, etc. It's hard because there are some "triggers" that cause conflict, like food ("you need to cook more"), tv ("you know, if you adopt you won't have time to read or watch tv anymore,") and other fluff. There starts to be very little to speak of.
It's exhausting and not really worth it if it's to the extreme like in your post.
Excellent advice ladies! My counseling appointment is all set. They called me while I was out to lunch.
I'm really hoping I can at least make this work for my family unit since I know I can't change their behavior.
And Julie, you are exactly right about mini conflicts. It seems like when we around are little things are said to test our boundaries.
Off the top of my head I can remember several very small but challenging events that have occurred just in the 9 months our DD has been here.
There just do not seem to be any ways to win because I always we like we are being pushed over some topic that is really none of their business.
The part where I know I'm not totally innocent is the only tool I have in my toolbox right now is to withdraw. When I feel uncomfortable I start avoiding which like I said makes the situation worse. They also use that against me and it makes me feel bad because I know I'm doing it but I'm doing it because I do not enjoy being around their behavior.
It is a cycle and hopefully counseling can help me find a better coping mechanism.
This is really helpful as well! And I think you are right. I do truly think their intentions are conceived in love as you said but everything you said after that is correct as well.
I'll try this conversation since I do know we will be seeing them soon for my nephew's birthday party (sister's kid).
If they (and they will) say something I can't agree with them on or invite us to something we can't/don't want to do this tactic will be very helpful.
The not getting pulled into a fight is the really hard part. I have to avoid that and so far I haven't done so well because I always end up feeling like I'm being attacked because they say things exactly like what I bolded in your post.
I almost feel like you know my family
You were not reading that incorrectly. It has never been good enough to just say "sorry we can't come". Even when we provide a reason that doesn't work. It always ends in the same guilt ridden drama.
My own family has some issues that I simply can't take anymore. What I did - and still do - is simply back away. It doesn't always happen, which makes it easier for me, but when it is happening I simply find a way to get out of the room or end the joking/conversation. If that doesn't work I smile and nod and then I won't visit my home town for a couple of months. I need my time to cool off.
The reason I put it all on me to cool off is because I have tried to talk to my family members to get them to stop doing these things, and their response was "I don't care if you don't find it funny - I do" or "you know this person isn't going to stop so you just need to deal with it". Well I am tired of always being the one to deal with everyone else, so now they can deal with my absence at the majority of family get togethers. In fact - I only attend 3 now throughout the year. If I happen to see my other family members when I"m visiting my parents - then I do, but I"m not playing anyone's games anymore.
Good luck chick. I would find a friend or your DH to confide in and take a deep breath. They won't change - you talking to them won't make things change - so step back. I LOVE my family and I'll be there for them in a heartbeat but that doesn't mean I have to keep playing games.
You already have some good advice here.
One thing: Always remember that guilt is the most useless emotion we have. It serves no purpose at all. Don't give it a purpose, okay?
There is a self-help book called "when I say no, I feel guilty." It's probably from the 70s, but you can still pick up a few tidbits of knowledge from it!
Remember (as someone else wisely answered in a prior post), it is not YOUR job to make your dad or grandma happy. They would like you to be at their events. You say no, and they are disappointed. It is THEIR job to deal with that disappointment, not YOUR job to ensure their happiness by attending.
When the guilt trips start ("can you come over for dinner on Sunday?" "sorry, I can't make it," "but your great-aunt Edna will be there. It's a HUGE event. We haven't seen her in years.....") you simply need to reply "sorry, we're not not available. I can't chat right now. hope the party is fun. bye." and HANG UP THE PHONE!!! You are NOT required to listen to someone manipulate you! Treat them slightly above a telemarketer (in that you actually say good bye before you hang up on them).
Also, a famous ECB question to ask yourself "If I weren't related to these people, would I want to go to their dinner / party / hang out with them?" If the answer is no, the fact that you share blood shouldn't determine your answer.
It may not be good enough for them now, but you have to train them to accept it, so to speak. Never JADE - justify, argue, defend, or explain. Detach and walk away. There won't be any drama for you if you aren't there.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I don't have much advice to give, but what I do have comes from my pastor: "Love them from a distance." This is a good policy to enforce when someone we love has hurt us, or we are in the process of forgiving them. I think the best thing you can do is be careful not to bad-mouth them to your family. I know from experience; my mother used a lot of hateful language about him during and after the divorce and I let it color my feelings, rather than spending time with him and determining for myself what I thought of him. Happily, he and my mother are again on civil terms and she and I have a healthier relationship with both of them, too.
Perhaps you could consider writing them a sincere letter...in that way, you could "have the last word" but it would place the direction of the relationship in their court. Of course, if you're like me and you hear no reply, you may fret that you made the wrong choice. I guess that depends on your fortitude.
I truly wish you the best. Just remember: you are still your own person, just as your father is his own person. His decisions and feelings don't dictate who you ARE.