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Do you feel like your H is on your side when it comes to in law matters?
Just a little background if you haven't seen my other posts FI and I have a lot of other issues. His family is just one of the many.
Me and my Fi have a year and a half old son. Ever since my son was born my in laws have had extreme boundry issues in my opinion. They live very close to us and they stop by almost daily (sometimes more than once a day) unannounced. We have no privacy or space to develop our own family because every where we go they are there. They are constantly taking my son away from me and just generally hogging him when they are around. I don't even like to go to church because instead of me and FI sitting in church as a family his family is there and hogging my son, etc.
I'm all for family time but I really need some boundries and time to develop our own family. However FI doesn't understand this at all. He sees absolutely no problem with how his family acts and whenever I mention it he gets upset and says that his family is the most important thing to him and that I am a horrible person for not wanting family around.
I am starting to see that we will never see eye to eye on this issue. It has basically become either I accept that his family will always be around with no boundries or I walk. It isn't even necessarily that they are around it's this whole feeling that I almost know in my heart that they are more important to him than me. And he will defend them at all costs even if it means getting rid of me.
Re: Do you feel like your H is on your side when it comes to in law matters?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
To answer your original question, yes, H would be on my side if there was an issue with the ILs. And I would certainly support him if things came up with my crazy family.
Your last statement was how my parents marriage was for 30 years. Do you want to be in that spot - "you are less important to me than my parents are" forever? He has already picked them, repeatedly, over you.
Given this and the fact that you stated that you have other issues, I think you should break off the engagement, get your own place and get an attorney to handle custody issues of your DS.
My exBF (was with him for ten years, have DD with him) was not on my side when it came to 'MIL'. Even though they lived 45 min away, she was always in our business. Long story short, when I would tell my ex the things MIL would say to me, he would say I was over reacting. The few times he did confront her, she denied and I got called a liar. We are no longer together, partly b/c of her, & now he is seeing her true colors.
Not saying this will or should happen to you, but it does affect the relationship. All i can say is, talk to him. If that doesn't work, try counseling. And I hope it works out for you.
Yes, my H is on my side when it comes to IL issues. Granted we have nothing so huge as what you have to contend with, but I back him up in re my family and he does the same. I consider it a given.
I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time, but I like PPs idea of getting out of the situation now. Take your kid, pack a bag and call a lawyer. These things are called "DH problems" (or in your case, "BF problems") and unless he wants to change, nothing will improve for you. Sad but true. Get out while the getting's good, before Child #2 comes along and before finances and property are so intermingled that getting untangled will be a costly, longlasting mess.
Just curious, did your parents remain together? Did they fight constantly over those 30 years?
My xSIL had this exact problem- hence why she is X. She got pregnant, they got engaged and this problem only got worse. BIL is soooooo attached to his mom its unbelievable. IL's also stop by his house daily (sometimes more than once) or else BIL and N are at their house. They live walking distance from each other. It became clear to xSIL that she was never gonna come first (and honestly, she never would) so she split. She even tried counseling but BIL told her he was never gonna change his ways and meant it. He just loves his mommy to death and she does EVERYTHING for him and knows EVERYTHING about his every detail of life. Its pretty creepy actually.
Luckily for me, H doesnt have this problem at all. She tried to manipulate him a lot in the beginning of our engagement but we went to counseling and worked it out. She now pretty much ignores our existence since she busy planning BIL's life for him. Her daily routine revolves around him and the child and she acts as if the child is hers.
The biggest problem I see is that she spoils the sh!t out of the kid, literally giving him everything he wants, never reprimanding him, never making him do something he doesnt want to and now he's super attached to her. Everything is gramma does this for me, gramma buys this for me, my gramma will do x if you wont, my gramma, my gramma etc. (he's 4) xSIL works a lot to be able to support herself and so BIL has N a lot, which in turn means he's always dumped off at IL's. Now the kid doesnt even want to be with either of his parents. Its really sad actually and I would be furious if I were a mother dealing with this. I suggest you get into counseling with H ASAP and try to work this out. He needs to compromise with you so I would approach it with that- a compromise that you both can be satisfied with.
They got divorced right after their 31st anniversary. They were constantly unhappy, but my mom was a complete doormat, so there wasn't always fighting.
My dad had a very long term affair (like 2+ years) and he is now married to TOW. He always cared a lot what his very catholic mother thought of divorce, so he waited until a few months after she died to file.
Are you in individual counseling? That might really help you gain some perspective and strength.
So many things in your post gave me the chills. It's like looking into the future. I know if I leave FI my son will spend most of his time (when he is supposed to be with his dad) with his grandma and she will become like his mother/favorite person. Even now it is bordering on this. God, I fvcking hate my life...
Please go to counseling. It will really show you how to accept some things and how to work hard to handle other things.
Think of it like this - if you had no idea how to change a baby's diaper or feed a baby, you would take a class and learn it from someone with experience. Counseling is just another type of help that will teach you a different skill set and make you a stronger parent.
I spent 9 mo in counseling after my parents' divorce, partially because I kept picking *sshole men like my dad, and didn't want to end up like that.
My MIL has no sense of boundaries, lacks common sense, and has no filter between her brain and her mouth. As a result, she asks very personal, completely inappropriate questions, constantly offers unsolicited and asinine advice, and says things that are downright offensive.
And not once has her behavior caused a problem in my marriage. My husband knows how to put his foot down with her and call her out when she steps out of line. And I've never had to tell him to do this, either. If your fiance doesn't understand appropriate family dynamics, he's lacking an essential relationship skill.
Yes, my H is always on my side.
You need to have more respect for yourself than to stay with someone who does not put you first. You also owe it to your son to not have him grow up in that type of environment so he thinks it is normal and repeats the cycle.
So, I do think you need to leave ASAP, but until such time stand up for yourself. Who cares if your fi gets angry? It's YOUR son, not your MIL's. If you don't want her to take him away from you, don't let her. If you don't want to sit with them at church, then don't. If you don't want to let them in when they stop by unannounced, then don't ("Not a good time. If you call next time I'll be sure to let you know first so you don't waste your time").
But really, you need to leave. And I agree with pp's recommendation for counseling.
if i'm even slightly critical of H's parents, he jumps down my throat and it starts an immediate fight...it's an ongoing argument of "I'm not attacking your parents so don't attack me" (it's not a personal insult just more of vent/complaint)
We don't have kids, but for the most part we see eye to eye about boundaries
I guess I'm saying I know what you are going through and I think it's difficult to work through.
No matter the situation, you and your BF/FI/H should be on the same page. It may sound messed up but I don't see much of your problem with your in-laws involvement. When FI and I have kids I would love to have such involved grandparents from both sides. To me, I would feel like a family with my in-laws. But that is because FI and I are on the same page with each other. If I suggest that we need some alone time from family and friends, we talk about it, and then tell whoever we want to have us time today and they understand. If they didn't, both FI and I would stand our ground, because that boundary on that spontaneous Saturday alone is important to our relationship's strength. We would not survive without time to bond together alone. Even after years of marriage, we will still need those days to bond and be alone with each other.
Because of your FI's dysfunction, there is a problem. He doesn't respect, understand or relate to your feelings or problems. He only sees things from his own perspective (plus your in-laws) and so since he and his parents think is ok, it's ok, and you are the problem. That's not fair. You can't always be the enemy. It can't always be you vs your own FI and his parents. A relationship cannot survive such corrosive actions over and over again. You should really think about how you would get out out of this relationship vs how do I make this work.
To answer your initial question, yes. I absolutely and categorically refused to date, much less marry, men who did not have clear and appropriate boundaries firmly established with their families. To whatever extent his family is involved in his life before you walk down the aisle, that's generally the extent to which they'll be involved in your married life.
If you choose to remain in this relationship, you have to be clear in your mind about what constitutes an appropriate level of involvement with his family. Pick your battles and be realistic: sitting together at church on Sunday is okay, stopping by unannounced isn't; visits of 1 hour are fine, visits that go past 2 hours are not; whatever you and he decide together and can enforce together.
But frankly, if he doesn't see a problem with it and won't get on board with you, you're much better off getting out now.
When it comes to in law matters - no my husband is not on my side, ever. No matter what I do or say, I am always in the wrong. Trust me, if you and your fiance do not come to terms on this issue now you will have to deal with it forever (as do I). I knew before we were even engaged that his family would be an issues.
My situation is the complete opposite though. My in laws are NOT involved and that hurts me. I think you are blessed, but you feel like you're cursed.
No matter what, you should not feel less important. You and your son should be FIRST. When you get married, that family becomes priority. That message needs to be made clear to your fiance. Best wishes!
here's your options:
1) accept your FI's way and deal with it
2) tell him you're not ok with it and leave.
the funny thing is that you said that fi says 'family is most important'. great you and your child and he are a family and neeed to come first above ALL and anyone else. clearly he's blowing smoke if he hasn't realized this.
if he is so unwilling to compromise on this then i'd give serious SERIOUS 2nd thoughts to marrying him. i'd probably say no until this, and other issues, are adjusted as much as possible. i realize that all issues can't be just 'fixed' but this one is EASY to fix-you both need to compromise. if he and you can't do that your marriage is doomed before it starts.
Yes, my DH and myself are on the same page with his parents & mine. Although I think naturally, we both have more forgiveness (or 'selective memory') with each of our own families, and cannot maybe "see" all of the time where eachother is coming from, we respect it.
We are both realistic and practical with eachother. We know our families strengths & flaws and eventhough we can sometimes 'overlook' our own familie's flaws, we do not always want to subject the other one to them.
I.e. My IL's are hoarders. Their house is atrocious. Words cannot describe. It is both filthy & cluttered - crap everywhere! DH can be disorganized at times, but amazingly enough, he is NOT like this (whew!). The longer DH & I have been together & lived together, the more we are a team and both pitch in & do chores, work as a team, etc. DH does not go to see his parents often (if ever), but if he had to, he would suck it up - because he was brought up w/that kind of behavior, therefore, has immunity to it.
I, on the otherhand, have no tolerance or acceptance for this kind of lifestyle. DH knows this. He respects this. Maybe, at times, he may wonder why I cannot 'overlook' it like he can, or why it is a huge deal to me, but he never pushes/questions it. See where I'm going w/this?
Bottomline, even if you & DH are not completely on.the.same.page about an issue, DH still needs to try to understand where you're coming from & respect it. End of story. If he is saying things like you don't matter to him and/or his family matters more, then he is obviously putting them before you & putting your feelings on the backburner.
Holy sh!t BCV513! Why are you even getting married to such a mama's boy. It does not bod well for your future marriage. Do you really want your MIL so involved in your life to the point that you can't be cross with her or your husband doesn't come home?
When me and my FI started to date, his mom kept him on a short leash. But I told him I wouldn't date someone that brought his mother into our relationship, and he told me he didn't like her involvement in our relationship either and together we left her out of our relationship. Our relationship with his mother was strained at first but now it is just flourishing. She could not be happier we are getting married. Do yourself a favor and tell your FI the same thing I told mine. If he cares about you he will cut out his mom from the appropriate areas, if not you know he isn't healthy enough to get married.
My H and I are on the same page about both our families. We do not have children but the above is how I see my SIL living every day. After her first child was born you could tell she hated the "help" her mother gave her, but she never said anything about it. How ever my SIL did enjoy her moms help for the first week or two after the birth of her second child, as her husband works full time.
After the first few weeks I could tell she wasn't always thrilled about her mom being there almost 24/7. But she still hasnt said anything to her mom about it. She is also a stay at home mom so MIL is always over there. (MIL does not believe in woman working after they give birth to a child.)
My H and I have discussed this in length as we are now TTC. We do live about 20 hours from his family at the moment but we are planning to move back there once I can transfer closer, for work. He agrees with me that she will not have that kind of control over us at all. She will only be allowed over to our house if she calls first and if we want her to come over. (MIL just "goes along" with what MIL says to do.)
Good luck!
To answer your question - yes, he knows his family is crazy.
We would never in ten million years have problems with his stepmom trying to hog DH our our children. She is a b*tch who could not care less about our family. So we have never had that type of problem.
However, when his stepmom was a b*tch to ME, she was cut off from our family. He did not for one minute insist "oh, that's just how she is....."
I have in-laws who are amazing (except for my biitchface SIL), so there's not a lot of drama there. Although he sticks up for me with biitchface SIL, so I guess that's a yes. We're firmly in each others corner.
One of his other sisters also sticks up for me with BFSIL...which is kind of cool.
Hello BCV513,
Reality check!! You cannot seriously keep thinking you're going to marry this idiot - and I use the word deliberately. He's not a MAN - he's still a little boy, my 8 yr old nephew has more backbone than he does! Your FI needs to step up and make a choice - YOU are the one he's planning to marry, YOU are the one he's supposedly going to spend the rest of his live with, YOU should come first with him.
YOU need to make some choices for YOU. Take a long hard look at your life as it is right now - then multiply everything you and he are going through by ten - if you go through with this wedding that's what you will be facing. His mother will be in your relationship even more than she is now. He is not magically going to grow a backbone. So you need to decide if this is how you want to live, because your relationship will not survive with this constant strife and outside interference.
YOU need to tell him clearly and in very simple terms that until he can choose to put YOU first in his life - you will not be a part of his life. YOU need to realize that YOU need to come first and until he can do that - YOU will be better off without him.
Good luck!