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crazy situation - do I get involved?
We have this family friends from when I was little and we are still very close. I live a few minutes from them, we have them over for family dinners, the son is practically like a brother and was one of the groomsmen at our wedding and I'm very close to the dad (I was the little girl he never had).
They are indian and the son (let's call him Mike) had an arranged marriage with a girl from India (let's call her Mary) about 6 months ago and she moved here. They live with the parents - common in indian culture and also because the mom is ill.
So I get a call from the guy yesterday - they wanted to come over and talk about something. Apparently, Mary was home Mon eve with just the dad and the dad acted inappropriately towards her - touched her thigh, rubbed her back, tried to kiss her. She locked herself in her room until Mike and the mom got home. She told Mike but they haven't told anyone else.
Now, Mike and dad have a lousy relationship so they don't think him brininging it up with the dad will get anywhere besides a fight. They don't want the mom involved since she has mental health issues (severe depression, anxiety) and they don't want to make her worse. At the same time, they want to say something to the dad because they don't want a repeat of this again. So, since the dad thinks so much of me, they asked me to talk to the dad.
I am so blown away about the whole thing. I can't get my head around this happening. I can't quite picture him doing this but at the same time he was always a father-type in my head so I wouldn't even think of him with that kind of stuff. So, I'm not saying it's impossible this happened. Plus, she has no reason to make this up. But still - I don't KNOW what happened.
Do I get involved and talk to the dad? If this did happen, I don't want Mary exposed to the risk. And I'm thinking not saying anything to the dad will make him think it's ok to proceed. But honestly, I don't think they will talk to him - she's the shy homely girl who doesn't know how to stand up for herself. And Mike's afraid him talking will lead to the whole thing blowing up into a big fight and Mary will take a lot of the blame. (Again - culturally very common for girl to end up with the blame with this stuff)
And if I do talk to the dad - I have no idea what I would say...
Re: crazy situation - do I get involved?
Mary is in danger. I would tell Mike what you saw and that you are very concerned for her safety.
Mary belongs within no radius of Mike's dad. This is tough; I am sorry for your troubles.
No, you don't talk to him. You weren't there, you don't know what happened. Don't get involved.
If it's that serious, they need to move out. Period. He shouldn't allow his wife to live in a situaiton like that, and she shouldn't want to live in a situation like that. They can still be available to help w/ the mom if that's an issue.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If Mike and Mary refuse to assert themselves with his father, and refuse to move out, you will only come out looking like the bad guy here.
All of this. If you want to be extra nice, maybe you could open your house to them/her until new living arrangements could be made. Of course, that is assuming that you want to, and that an end-date expectation is set.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
Mike needs to talk to his dad. It would be totally inappropriate for you to have this conversation.
Mike's number one priority needs to be his wife. They cannot live in a house where his wife has to fight off unwanted advances. They need to move out today. His wife is more important, even than his ailing mother. If Mike's dad already tried to force himself on Mary, a conversation is not going to cut it.
I don't see how Mary can wind up "taking the blame" unless Mike doesn't stand up for her.
Your role as a friend should be to advise Mike to protect his wife and move out of his parents' home. Mary should not be placed in that position ever again. And if his dad will not respect Mary going forward, then Mike should sever his relationship with his dad entirely.
Sure, there might be a fight. But having a fight or even having Mike's mom find out what happened are small prices to pay to protect Mary. Mike needs to reassess his priorities.
Ditto this.
Even though "culturally" the woman usually gets the blame, in this situation, Mike is in control of whether or not he allows his wife to be blamed for this (as is Mary). Yes, it might be the norm in the Indian culture to "blame the woman" for inappropriate behavior, but that doesn't mean that Mike or Mary are forced to have this happen.
If Mike his behind his wife, then he needs to let his dad know that regardless of how the older generation feels about these things, Mary is NOT responsible and will not accept any reponsibility.
Ditto with the living with the parents. While that may be a cultural norm, they can move out. Plenty of traditional Indians live separately from their parents.
You're a lightweight.
Sorry, you are. The ever-so-long-family-friend who's the "daughter the dad never had" is the biggest lightweight in the room to deal with the inapporpriate sexual advances of the head of household on the new young married-to-the-son thang.
Find a culturally relevant heavy weight to deal with the VERY real danger this woman is in.
It's not you. Perhaps you hold enough weight to suggest who is.