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Parents bad mouthing in-laws
My parents have issues with my MIL and FIL and are badmouthing my MIL when DH leaves the room. It's coming to the point where if DH leaves to go to the bathroom, I walk out the room, too, because otherwise I get hounded with crazy questions or rude remarks about my in-laws, such as, "Is his mom being mean to you? Because I know she's capable of it...". I never thought my parents would be so crazy acting, we always used to be so close up until right before we got married. They seem to think that DH has brain washed me or something, but it seems to me they've lost it...what's the best way to get this situation to stop? I don't feel like I should have to explain anything to them, it' s my marriage and my life. Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer!
Re: Parents bad mouthing in-laws
What you say is, "Stop this at once. [Inlaws] are lovely people who have been nothing but kind to me, and I won't hear a word against them." Pause. "Neither of them have ever been anything but complimentary of you two." Walk out of room.
And walk out of the room every.effing.time. they do this from then on. I'm not sure why your parents would do this to you, and frankly the motiviation behind it is meaningless; but it is APPALLINGLY rude, to you AND your dh, and it is up to you to put a stop to it right now. Quit pussyfooting around and do it.
"Why would you say something like that ?"
"My relationship with my ILs is none of your concern"
"Mom, I am not going to discuss my ILs with you anymore. If you bring it up, I will leave / hang up."
Just tell your parents what you stated above.
Just say, "Mom, Dad - I love you, but when you say negative things about DH's parents, it makes me feel uneasy. Whether or not they are your kind of people, I'd rather not hear about it."
But, whether or not your IL's do treat you poorly isn't specified in your post. Do they? If so, how does DH handle this?
It could be a number of issues with your parents. They could be jealous, or, as a parent, they may be much more sensitive to rudeness towards you than you are yourself. Also, if you have a history of not standing up for yourself, they might be aware of that and are protective of you. It's not bad that they love you, but they still need to back off!
First of all, I would stop sharing any "horror stories" about your ils with your parents or anyone else (siblings, aunts) who might spread the word. You'll have to save those stories for your close friends or other people who keep their mouths shut.
Second, act like your parents are crazy. Don't act OFFENDED by the questions, but act like they are out of place "No, MIL isn't being mean to me, why would you say that?" If MIL had a history of being nasty, brush it off "oh, no, she's been fine since the wedding.....maybe it was the party stress."
I think this is awesome. Most wives would LOVE to be in your shoes!
I think this could be the cause of jealousy right here with what you've said. I think your parents probably sense your love for your IL's and especially if you prefer spending time with your IL's over your parents, I can see where envy would develop.
From what you've described, it sounds as though you may not have a solid, good relationship with your parents?? Is that remotely close? If so, I can see how your parents would feel insecure with you getting close to your IL's. They may feel 'replaced'. Of course, I am sure this is not your intention and really, it's your parents' problem, not yours or DH's - just saying they may feel this way.
I don't think you have to be rude to get your point across of how they're bad-mouthing your IL's makes you feel - just upfront & assertive. Let them know that their cattiness won't be tolerated or allowed. Tell them when they do it, you aren't able to enjoy their company and in turn, will see them less and less and they will push you away. Put the heat on them - how they behave will determine how much time you & DH spend w/them.
This exactly. If someone bad mouths someone you love you let them know that you won't stand for it and walk out. Letting them talk like that is just letting them know that you think it's okay.
Agree with the above posters.
This is very immature behavior on the part of your parents and they really should be keeping their mouths shut. It should be obvious to them that this puts you in an uncomfortable position.
I would try not to engage in conversation with them at all on this. Don't get into a debate with them about how your ILs are nice, etc. Just insist that they not say those things in front of you, you do not want to hear it. If they will not stop you really need to leave then.
People who are so tone deaf about doing this to begin with will need these kind of firm boundaries to change their behavior.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Did you open the door for this with a comment about your ILs? I only ask because *early* in my marriage, I made the mistake of telling my mother something. I totally didn't see it as a vent or a complaint...but it was a minor judgement about something she said that I knew I was not handling well. Truth be told, a very similar incident happened with my DH and his MIL - he went to her for marital advice, and disclosed information that I think an in-law would best operate without having. And it gave *both* mothers the right (or feeling, rather, of having the right) to weigh in on things...but you know, in a "confidential" manner, which really only meant that they waited until their non-child left the room.
Our now marital advice to anyone is do not tell the ILs anything that isn't roses and sunshine about your marriage or spouse.
And that's how I would handle this...when your DH leaves the room and your mom asks how your MIL is treating you, you say "Actually, I'm seriously blessed to have a MIL as wonderful as you, Mom." If she starts picking apart your MIL, abruptly stop her and tell her you won't hear disparaging remarks about your MIL anymore than she should expect you to sit through disparaging remarks about herself...and then change the subject.