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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband is bullied..
I'm starting to feel like I post on here too much!I'm worried about DH. He's been getting bullied A LOT (he's at sub school right now). He's a very nice person with a quiet exterior you can say, so people in his class will often make fun of him for it. He isn't invited to hang out with the guys, they will get in groups and talk about him for days, and they even went so far as to make fun of him for getting married! DH was also bullied in middle school and high school. We just thought that in the military you make lasting friends and he is getting discouraged because the one friend he had, left. DH has also told me that he's now depressed and has been for several weeks due to the bullying. This makes me feel so helpless. It seems like bullying in the military is more accepted but it's still wrong. Do you have any suggestions on how I can help? Do you know anyone that has gone through this? Any answers are very appreciated!
Re: Husband is bullied..
Since he is feeling depressed over it, he should utilize his chain of command's open door policy and ask to see a mental health specialist or even the chaplin. Whatever he discusses with them is confidential. I also know you both don't want to have this negatively effect his school performance.
How old are you guys? How old are these other dudes?
I don't really have any advice, except that it sounds like his sub class is populated by 14 y/o girls.
Bullying happens in the military, yes. But ongoing structured bullying like that is rare.
Sometimes people just don't fit in in certain situations, and this might be one of those times for him. I know it's probably making a difficult situation worse for him, but it is not, in fact, the end of the world.
He will go on to make friends in the military. Military training is specifically geared toward forced camaraderie, and not everyone is going to fit in well with every group. Obviously, if he's being physically or emotionally intimidated, he needs to report it ASAP, and if he's harboring feelings of depression that's something to speak to someone about. But there's not a lot you can do about just not fitting in.
I know wherefore I speak, because I wanted to shank almost every chick I went through basic with. It's tough, but he'll get through it. The training lifestyle is intentionally difficult and cliqueish, and I think most of us who have been through it had at least one difficult moment.
GL.
There's a lot of ribbing that goes on in the military. It's just part of the environment. You own it, laugh it off, and put your foot down if it goes too far and deal. It's not their responsibility to invite him places or go out of their way to befriend him. It's also human nature to talk about your coworkers, funny occurences, long running jokes, etc.
What I don't understand is where your H got the idea that everyone would be buttbuddies in the military. Did he watch Band of Brothers marathons or something? I also don't understand why he thought he'd be a good fit for the military after being bullied in middle school and high school.
If they're hazing him, that's a problem and he needs to take it up with his chain of command. But I bet money dollars to donuts that this is nothing more than the usual military environment.
It's sub school. Honestly, I don't know a single person who is friends with anyone from basic or any of the following schools. Friends are made at your duty station when you aren't so narrowly defined by how well you're picking up the skills you need and when you're able to decompress with your friends, family, and your hobbies. So the first thing he needs to do is get the idea out of his head that he's gonna meet his Bubba Gump.
However, I do think he needs to speak to someone and figure out if this is the normal environment and he's just not adapting or if something more serious is going on. I'd hate to say he needs to suck it up only to find out they really are targeting him unfairly.
As an aside, submariners are notoriously weird and borderline insane. This might not be the right place for him in the navy, if indeed he's suited to the military at all. If he's going this crazy in sub school, how is he going to handle a couple months at sea in one?
Click me, click me!
Your H needs to go talk to someone for several reasons.
1. If he is being hazed, he needs to report it. That's frowned upon. If he just isn't fitting in, that's a completely different thing.
2. This seems to be an ongoing problem for your H. He needs to go talk to the Chaplain or someone else to figure out why he continues to allow people to treat him in a way that he isn't comfortable with. I'm not saying that being bullied is anyone's fault. I'm saying, at some point, a man needs to learn to tell people to fvck off. People have far more respect for you when they figure out you aren't just going to sit back and take it.
You learn to take a lot of ribbing in the military. Trust me. I was 5'4 and 115 pounds when I joined a physically and emotionally demanding, male dominated job. I took my share of it and dished it out in return. When it comes down to being knee deep in shyt, you need to know that the person next to you has balls big and hairy enough to have your back. I'm sorry, but the guy who calls home to his wife, upset, because he feels left out is not they guy I want on my 6.
My only advice is to be supportive of him. Send him lots of care packages and letters to show that someone cares for him and to keep him focused on when he gets out of school.
Sometimes people aren't popular in a particular group. It's immature but that's life. All he can do is hang in there and hope to do better at his permanent duty assignment. At least training is only temporary. His cadre aren't going to be able to do anything about people not hanging out with him, or talking about him behind his back.
I had a similar problem in OCS. My roommate was a crazy B. She talked about me all the time, tried to pick fights with me, etc. No one wanted to mess with her because she was nuts. So OCS sucked. But then I went to a couple follow on schools with my classmates, where she didn't go, and we got along great. That was years ago and we're all still friends. It might just be one or two people who are poisoning things for your DH. So tell him to hang in there, that you love him, and that it will be over soon. If he really sounds depressed then like the PP's said, tell him to go talk to a Chaplain.
I'd like to hear more about how specifically he is being "bullied"
Not being asked to hang out, not really bullying. Being given some shvt for being married, could go either way. And the "getting in groups to talk about him for days" sounds like an exaggeration, and if indeed, his peers are getting together and just talking about him and him alone for days on end, that just sounds like theyre weird (and I would go to someone higher up to talk to them about it)
Has he done anything about it? At some point, he has to either learn to stand up for himself or learn to truly not care if he's not willing/cant do anything to change. Not that I am trying to blame him, but it seems like this has happened in different places and with different people- the common thread is him, so he needs to figure out what he can do differently.
As for the depression, as others suggested, finding some sort of chaplin or counselor to talk to would help, and would also help with learning skills to stand up for himself. Suggestions for you to help, well, pretty much the only thing you can do is continue to be supportive of him. Its not like you can go down there and demand they be nice to him or call his boss or something.
I changed my name
I think he should go to the Fleet & Family Support Center and talk to the clinical counselors there that they have on staff. Besides that, maybe talk to the person who is higher ranking/in charge of him.
About the hazing, I guess that has been going on a lot recently because they've been having meetings about it with the entire sub class. But hazing to me seems like that happens when you're getting inducted into something and he's not. He's just getting picked on.
When he was in middle/high school he was picked on because he was almost 200 lbs overweight. He's lost all of the weight now but he still has self esteem issues sometimes and I think thats part of the reason he allows himself to be bullied.
And he really isn't calling me and crying because the big boys are being mean to him. I can tell he's upset because he starts getting extremely anxious when he's near the "ring leaders" or about to go to class, and I managed to get him to tell me whats going on.
This just happened recently and it really was like that. A group of 5 to 10 guys in the class were actually whispering (sounds like teen girls) about him in class and wouldn't tell him why. Then his roommate stopped talking to him for a week. He eventually found out that they were telling his roommate that he didn't want him to come to our wedding. He cleared it up with his roomate but he still won't talk to him.
This isn't the first time it's happened though. They organize pranks and start rumors about him often.
The one time he tried to do something about it, it almost resulted in a physical fight so I think he's hesitant now.
He also should go to the Fleet and Family Support center and talk to someone as well.
I changed my name
They're invited to your wedding? Why? He barely knows these guys, and I assume you don't know them at all.
Honestly, it sounds like there a big combo of ingredients here that have gotten him to this point. He may or may not have had unrealistic expectations of friendships he was going to form, and he may have been trying too hard and come on too strong.
I have no idea how long sub school is, but I didn't even invite people I had deployed with for 8 months to my wedding. Just because you're in a class/deployment/whatever with someone doesn't mean you need to involve them in all aspects of your life.
They sound like jerks regardless, and jerks of a feather flock together. A physical fight? Really? Because he asked them what their deal was? Something is missing in this story, and if that kind of crap is actually happening, I'd daresay the instructors would love to know about it.
Starting, he needs to do his best to ignore the stupidity, stop trying to ingratiate himself with these douches, and stop letting them be aware it bugs him. Again, no idea how sub class works, but can he ask to be moved to another class? I've known few people who volunteeered to be "held" back a few weeks in various classes due to personality conflicts.
I'd say that if the situation is so severe that it's resulted in near physical violence, your DH needs to take steps ASAP to permanently remove himself from the situation.
It was a generic THEM, not a specific them. Not that it really makes a difference, since roommate is obviously gossiping right along and not behaving much better than the jerks.
And anyway, unless there was a preexisting relationship with roommate, my question still stands.
He needs to go talk to command. If he isn't going to stick up for himself or talk to someone, he's just going to have to suck it up and move on.
I'll split this into two parts. First I want to confirm things others have said. Yes, there are submariners out there in the fleet who have the mentality of 14 year olds. Some of them are even closer to 2nd graders. Yes, they tend to group up based on what they have in common and have difficulty relating to others that they may not understand (married vs. single, for example). Yes, they like to hassle each other for anything and everything. It's what they do. Most of the time, though, the feeling is mutual. And finally, if there are some people that he's not getting along with, then why would they invite him to hang out?
So options, choose any combination that suits you (him)
- Report the problem to chain of command. For this option consideration needs to be taken to sort out whether this is "normal" behavior that for some people is a mutual coping mechanism or whether it's actually crossing the hazing line.
- Seek personal counseling. Probably a good idea no matter what.
-Grow a thicker skin. If he stays in the program, he's going to end up out to sea and underwater with a diverse group that will include people like his classmates. At that point, he has no choice because he's stuck with them quite literally.
-Seek new friends and acquaintances. As others have said, he doesn't have to make lifelong friends with any of them, but I certainly advocate finding guys that he has more in common with (personality wise) to help pass the time.
Seeing a chaplain may help, remember that PRP may be affected if he is in sub school if he goes to someone thru the medical side. If he has serious depression issues, then the chaplain will refer him to someone that is better capable of helping. If he just needs to talk things out a bit, it may be best for him to just see a chaplain who has to maintain confidentiality.
I work with a group of guys who give each other a lot of crap, even within their own group. Sometimes individuals will break away and stop hanging out with the group. I recommend what I've seen done with success: for him to spend his spare time working out at the gym and studying more for school, just do that to pass time/ push through whatever loneliness/ social issues he is having.
He may make lifelong friends at his next base, but it sounds like it's just not gonna happen here. Just take advantage of the fresh start when you PCS and yall will be ok.