Pity Party Alert - feeling so lost :(

MammaMia73

pity party time

 

I'm trying to get a grip on my feelings and writing always seems to help.  MY friend is moving today and I am devastated.  This is my one friend here that I had before kids, who also had kids the same age.  I've got other friends with kids (that we knew prior to kids), but they've all moved away too.  I literally have no one who knows the non-mommy me (that has their own kids - I have some non mommy friends that live about an hour away) here anymore and I feel like the "old me" is gone.  I feel like I"ve lost my anchor. 

 

My friends without kids can't relate to the mommy part of me and my friends with kids don't know the non-mommy me.    Except A.  She was the friend I could turn to when my marriage was in trouble.  The one I could talk to about my feelings of inadequacy as a mother.  The one I discussed my struggles as a stay at home mom with.  She always grounded me, made me feel sane.  She helped me not lose myself as I became a mom.  She's my go-to girl for chick flicks, she's always up for an adventure.  And now I'm feeling so lost and adrift.  I also feel like I've never told her just how important our friendship is, so I've written a long letter and will mail it with a welcome home package to her new house.

 

She's my daughter's godmother and I always though she'd be around for recitals, soccer games, proms, etc.  I invisioned her (and my other friend C) as a staple in my children's lives.  The other adult they could turn to for support or help (if they couldn't come to my H or I)  My other daughter's god mother is in CA, she's the other person I used to be able to lean on.  I know that these friends are only a phone call/email away.... but it's not the same.  I know what happened with my friend C (in CA) when she moved.  When we see each other, it's like no time has passed, but unfortunately it's often 12-18 months between visits.  Sadly both of these ladies live across the country and we just don't have the money or time to travel to see each other often.  Talking on the phone/text/email doesn't fulfill the same emotional need that spending time with a real friend does. 

 

 I miss her and her family so much, and the moving truck hasn't even left yet.    I've spent the whole morning crying my eyes out.  I'm sure I'll find another movie buddy (my h goes with me, but I'd rather see a chick flick with a girl friend) and all that, but it won't be the same.  A is my last tie to me and who I was before my children.  I am broken up about that tie being gone and just feel so alone. 

 

 MY friends who I've met through our children are nice and we have fun, but I wonder if we'd be friends if we didn't have the children in common.  They are social friends, not true friends. How on earth do I find true friends now?  I am great with social/superficial friendships, but I have a LOT of trouble opening up to people.   

 

Anyway... I'm feeling really sorry for myself and just needed to get this all out so that maybe I can stop crying long enough to call A and wish her and her lovely family a safe drive.  If anyone has some wise words for me, I'd appreciate it.  If not, thanks for reading.  I feel a little more in control after writing this out. 

Belichick

Hugs!  I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

I have moved many times in my adult life, so I know how hard saying goodbye to friends can be.  I also know how easy it can be to maintain the friendships despite the distance.  My best friend lives in Singapore for her husband's job- yes there are times I'd give anything to just be able to sit and have a glass of wine with her, but we make the effort to stay in touch by phone, internet, sending packages etc. and we are really just as close as we have always been.

Adjusting to not having your friend there to do the fun stuff is not going to be easy, no question, but all the emotional support you talked about should not change because she's not local.  Realize that as hard as this is on you, it's harder on her, she's living her whole life there, not just you.  Make the effort to reach out and stay in touch with her on a regular basis and your friendship will be fine. 

As far as your other friendships go, that's really a change that you need to make.  I don't understand why having kids has impacted your relationships with the friends that don't have kids, you seem like the type that hasn't 100% lost yourself to motherhood (a good thing), so even if there's things that you feel like they don't understand about that part of your life, does it matter?

I really don't understand why you feel like your mommy friends don't know the non-mommy part of you.  It seems like an insecurity on your part.  You're going to have to open up that side of yourself and realize there are people you will truly click with and ones you won't, but you're never going to find the true friendships if you don't put yourself out there some.

Sue_sue

I have to agree with the PP.

Your friend isn't dying; she's moving. Email, facebook, phone calls and visits can really keep you in touch.  And this is a much harder transition for her than it is for you; she's leaving EVERYthing behind, you still have your entire life in place. A good friend would be working to ease the transition for the moving party, not crawling into a corner focusing only on how this affects themselves.

I don't understand what the issue is between your mommy and nonmommy friends, either. I have a lot of both, and they're all really fabulous people and I'm lucky to have them. It sounds like you have not bothered to cultivate (as you must) other friendships since you have always had good old reliable best friend around, and it's time for that to change.

 

MammaMia73

Belichick - thank you for your kind words.  I know we're going to remain friends, I just hate that she's not going to be a part of my daily life like she has been.  you are correct, I just need to open up more to other people and maybe I will really click in that way with someone else.  If not, I am really blessed to have the wonderful friends I do, regardless of geography.

suesue - thank you for your response as well.  I think I have given an incorrect impression here though, and I know you can only respond based on what I put out there in my OP. I have maintained wonderful friendships in my life, unfortunately it seems that the people with whom I am the closest now all live a plane ride away.  "A" was my last local close friend who has know me since my single crazy 20's until now. She was not the only person we socialize with, but she sure has been my favorite one to spend time with.   I have a very active social life and some wonderful people here to spend time with locally.  But I think a "true" friendship is something rare and I will miss not having that type of friend local. We are a part of each other's families.  I've been to her children's swim meets, etc and was looking forward to her being there for us. 

 I have a lot of friends who are parents and who are not, what I was (poorly) trying to explain was that in my life it is rare to have friends who are friends to the whole family.  I do have trouble opening up to people at first, so I treasure those that make me comfortable enough to do so.  I spend a lot of time with the parents of my children's friends.  Great people to spend time with and we have a lot of fun, but I have yet to really click on a deeper level.  I know I need to allow myself to open up beyond the superficial if I want any meaningful friendship, I'm just feeling sorry for myself b/c everytime I do that, the person seems to move away.  Yes, that's overly dramatic but I'm allowing myself a pity party today 

I can see how it didn't sound that way... but  I have been very supportive of A's move, and done all I can to help (pack, watch the kids, take them out to dinner, dogsit, talk, research movers). They are actually moving back "home" and are beyond excited about the ability to be back with their family and close friends.  So, I know it's hard on them, but they are also moving to a good place for their family.   I was taking this AM to have my own pity party and to be selfish.  I can see where I sounded like a whiney, brat in my initial post, but that's not the case in reality.

 

awick14

Im sorry that you are having such a tough time with this.

I think I am kinda in your friend "A's" shoes. I moved away from a friend of mine a couple months ago and the above is like our friendship. (other then I do not have kids.) I moved because of a great job oppertunity that came my way, so my husband and I moved about 20 hours away.

I have been friends with (lets call her M), since we were in 8th grade. She means the world to me (even though H never understands our friendship). Any ways we have been through many things together. She introduced me to my H, I was at the hospital during the birth of her first child. (M was induced and 4 hours later still no contractions, but the moment I walked through the door into her hospital room she went into labour and had her daughter an hour later). I told her the baby wanted me there as I had been there through out her pregnancy.

We both cried for hours when I told her I was moving. We now email back and forth daily. The emails are usually pages long. As well she posts pics of her little one on facebook and emails me some as well. I probably know more details of her every day life now then I ever did.

My grandfather recently passed away so me and H drove 20hours in one day to be with my family. We got into town at 3am and sitting on his parents door step was M, with a box of tissues waiting for me.  She always knows what will make me feel better.

I know people say that friendships can fade over long distance but I believe if you both put effort into it then it will work.

Sorry if I am rambling I got emotional when I read the OP.

Things will work out! All the best!