Family Matters
dragossoul84
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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So angry and trying to get over for my husbands sake
My mother in law was spending the day with us and after my husband went to work she comes down stairs and to my face tells me she thinks I'm using him for his money but I wont get money from them. WTF...... Yes my husband makes more money than I do but come on. I have never asked them for anything I am a really good wife to my husband and love him so very much. The fact that this person came into my home and insulted us both in this way has me so angry. I'm even madder that she tries to blindside me when we're alone and chooses a time when we are trying to find out what is making my husband sick (his platelet count is 900,000 and she was visiting to go to the biopsy with us) I want to let it go and stop being angry because I'm not the person that ever wants my husband to be in a position to have to choose and if he is sick I'd like to have all his family around without being awkward but I just feel like I dont want to see her at all again right now. I just cant get over being accused of something that disgusting. It also hurts because my family has welcomed and loves my husband, I just dont get why I am so vilified. Any one that can offer me perspective or help getting over being so angry and hurt but this I'd really appreciate it
Re: So angry and trying to get over for my husbands sake
did this statement come from out of "left field"? WHY would she say that to you?
are they the Rockafellers or something? Or does she just think she is uber-rich and thinks everyone is out to get them?
She sounds like a nut job
Totally left field she was coming down to go to the store with me to pick up some ribs I was going to cook my husband for dinner since they are his favorite and the bone marrow biopsy left him so sore I wanted him to have something really nice to come home to. My husband is comfortable as is his family they are not Rockafellers. Friends have told us that we are the most in love they have ever seen people we are so good and affectionate to eachother. I've never asked for any gifts and everything I make goes into our bills so I dont understand the accusation at all. To get blindsided with the day I take him into the hospital and shortly after our second miscarriage. I'm so angry but I dont want to be this way I just dont know how to not be. Its so easy to say let it go I keep telling myself that but to know his family is calling me a gold digger on the heels of losing our child makes me not want to be in the same room with them and it cant be that way because I know he wants to support me and is so embarrassed that his mother spoke to me that way he could not apologize enough. I want a full family for him though because family is really important
I don't know how you didn't ask her to leave. I think I would have told her she is no longer welcome in my home, that from now on she can take all her money and spend it on a hotel room when she visits. You are a much stronger woman than I am!
I'm sorry, it sounds like you are going through a lot between your H's illness and your miscarriages.
If I'm reading your response correctly, you did tell him what she said? What was his response? He apologized to you, but did he confront her?
I understand feeling like this stuff needs to be put on the back-burner right now while you deal with his illness, but that doesn't mean that you need to tolerate her being nasty to you in the future and I would tell him as much. 'H, I know you need and want your family's support right now, so I will let this one instance go, but if your mother chooses to disrespect in this way again I will confront her and expect your support.'
The important thing for you to realize is that you shouldn't feel bad for not wanting to accept her bad behavior. You are not putting a wedge between his wife and family, she is, so let the guilt go.
Ditto all of this. Your husband being sick (and I hope he gets well soon) doesn't give her a free pass to treat you like crap.
I would avoid her from now on, and not invite her to your home or spend any time with her. If she says anything like this to you again, I would look her square in the eye and say calmly, "Why would you ever say something so hurtful and untrue to me? I've never done anything bad to you or your family. Stop treating me this way."
And, ill or not, your husband needs to back you up.
I bet she married her husband for his money. People have a way of projecting their own crap onto other people at times of stress and crisis like this one.
What was the point in saying that to you? It seems morbid like her son's going to die and she putting you on notice that you won't get her money. Really morbid stuff.
Or maybe she's just someone who always manages to have to the focus on her. I can totally see how this comment completely shifts the focus from your sick DH to her and how she feels about you and your marriage. Next, she won't be welcome/feel comfotable in your home, boo hoo. I can see all of it spiral down to be SO much less about your DH and what he needs, and her and what she needs.
Sometimes people just want the drama. Ignoring stupid comments is the best thing for you and they actually get furious that they don't get the drama they crave. It's delightful to watch.
i think he SHOULD confront her-but in a calm way and he should not let it reach a fighting stage. the possibility of him being sick, in my eyes, is absolutely NO reason why he shouldn't.
rockefeller.
I am so sorry. What a terrible terrible thing to say and at such a terrible time. My heart goes out to you.
I would let it be known by your and your husband that those kind of words are not going to be tolerated. IF she throws a hissy fit, then yes you know that she is trying ot make it all about her.
It's nice that you're so focused on not causing tension/avoiding confrontation in consideration of your husband's health - but you still matter too.
Eff her. I would tell your H that at this point in time, she is no longer welcome in your house. That you will only be around her in neutral settings, and only then if you have to be. And I would tell him that you expect him to say something to her about what she said.
What a completely terrible thing for your MIL to say. Has she ever acted like this towards you in the past? This is a really emotional time for everyone but that is no excuse.
As hard as it is, I would put her completely out of your mind. It's about you and your husband. He should know how she acted and exactly what she said, but tell him to deal with it when he's better. He should make it clear to her that what she said was completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated.
I'm so sorry about your miscarriage, btw. That must really compound the insensitivity of her words, but don't let her pull you into her toxic sh!t.
Don't get me wrong, I think what she said to you is vile. And I hope for a speedy diagnosis and recovery for your H. However, is it possible that she is coming from a place of being totally stressed about her son's health? Is she imagining what will happen if her son should die? Is her mind running down the "worst case scenario" path?
Her sudden preoccupation with you getting not getting "their" money might be rooted in such thoughts. To you, it seems to be a crass statement about money; to her, it might be a weird tacit admission that she is totally stressed about her son's medical issues.
If so, while I still think that her statements to you are horrible, I can also understand that she might not be thinking clearly about this thing right now.
That was my thought/hope as well...that this is just her terribly terribly handling whatever stresses are in her own life plus the fear for her son's health. In times of extreme duress, isn't attacking/lashing one of the baser things that happen in some people? I think it is super big of the OP to try to put it in the back burner with all her own stressors and being blindsided...and awesome wifely support to not demand her husband take up this challenge nor to cause him stress by having to hear his wife dismiss his family from their lives. Because the mother-in-law has attempted to smooth things over (and I guess how that was done and what was said would matter a lot to me - I don't think she necessarily is responsible for making everything shiny and new again, that would be impossible, but owning up to bad behavior and owning what she said, recognizing it as b/s, well...I think that is great if that did happen, and indicates that it was an unfortunate stress burst on her part and completely unfair for the OP...but that the OP is ok to have residual owies/anger from that...but another thing we do under dures is sometimes nurse anger towards another person rather than properly addressing the thing that is really scary, like her husband's illness.
I truly hope that there is healing, in more than one way, in the family.
You did the right thing by telling your MIL to leave. The next time, don't make it an empty threat - follow through. You don't have to cause a lot of drama, but remember that YOU are now your H's primary care giver, and he can't get the best out of you if you are distracted by your MILs rude, mean-spirited comments.
There are a lot of people who use money as a huge bargaining chip. "Be nice to me, or your won't....(be included in the will, get nice gifts from me, etc.)" They think that their money (often, not money they earned themselves, but came from their spouse, or their parents) makes them better than everyone else. Don't worry about your MIL. If you live your life according to your own values, you can reject her statements and insist that she respect you in your home.