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I dont know what to do, any advice?
So...my husband and I got married a year ago and things have been pretty good. We had been trying for a baby for months with ferility drugs and all. Well we finally got our wish and were expecting a baby girl in dec. So im 5 months pregnant and my husband has now discovered he's bi sexual and wants to pursue his sexuality with another man. I am not ok with this at all! He has been going behind my back on Craigslist pursuing men sending inapropriate pictures of himself to other men that he is trying to pursue. He is saying to me that if I dont allow him to pursue other men or other couples sexually (and wants me to join being pregnant) then he doesnt want me anymore because I dont give him what he wants all of a sudden. He has said numerous times since then that he wants me gone and will sign off on his daughter unless i give him what he wants. I wont allow him to because of the fact that its wrong (were married) and Im pregnant and dont want to get any STD's that could harm the baby! Ive told him this numerous times but he doesnt seem to care because he still wants that! I dont know what to do? We were very happy before all of this came about and were given what we had been wanting for so long! Now were on a verge of a divorce and Im lost.
Re: I dont know what to do, any advice?
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Ha, yes. All of a sudden he's bi-curious? You had NO IDEA this was in his head before you got married and had sex with him?
I was wondering the same thing... really? ALL OF SUDDEN he found that out? hmm...
Athough I agree on the MUD - I did want to add that a friend of mine, her husband realized he well.. wanted to be a woman before their son was a year old. It happens.
I had no clue whats so ever!! hes a manly man and never gave the slightest sign at all! It had started a few weeks ago we were taking about secrets that we have never told anyone before and he told me that when he was very little he had oral sex with another boy. I was very curious as to it all and was asking lots of questions because I didnt know boys did that stuff. Well the more questions I asked the more he like the idea and it just started like that, and before you know it he wants to do it again because he remembered liking it back when he was little. So yes it was all of a sudden. And what does MUD or MUN mean?
Well, then it wasnt all of a sudden. He has had these feelings since he was a young boy. He didnt just become bi he is just saying it out loud to you.
You dont really have a choice in leaving. He doesnt want a relationship with you and you donty want to be married to a bi man...wh o is looking for a boyfriend do you?
There are plenty of bi people who are married and satisfied with one partner,,,,your H isnt. WHY wouldyou want him with you?
MUd is pretty much saying you came onto the board to spread rumors to get a rise out of everyone. They often start off with one post and say something rediculous. You'll also see people calling those who spread MUD trolls...
I can understand your worry, anger ect. It's not a good thing to have hubby decide he's bi and wants to have sex with males and wants you to participate. Honestly that is NOT ok. I feel he needs to see a therapist to work some of these issues out. You should also talk about couples therapy considering he's throwing a tantrim because he's not getting his way. If he refuses then you should make a clean break from him, this is not a healthy situation to bring a baby into. It seems like he;s pretty adament about this though and it sounds like he's already begun the process of cheating without physical contact and I have a feeling sooner or later(probably sooner) he's going to "get his way" whether you know or not, whether your involved/give your blessing or not. He's being selfish, not taking your feelings or your daughter into consideration. If he is gay then so be it, if he if bi that is fine as well but he should take into account that he is married and he can't go and have fun with anyone he sees fit anymore. I wish you the best and hope things work out, and of they don;t you are MUCH better off being away from a selfish bastrd
Im talking about the MUD comments in the beginning, laughing about it and making jokes. I didnt find that very nice. All of the other comments I have found helpful for me. My friend told me about this site today and told me it might be helpful for me to get advise from other mothers out there. So i thought id give it a try, i have nothing to loose.
i didn't mean to not be nice. truly. your post just seems completely out of the blue. that, combined with the fact that you are brand spanking new to the nest (judging from the number of posts you have) made me think your post was MUD (made-up-drama). i apologize.
that said, i think the two of you should seriously consider counseling, both together, and individually. it's clear that he's got some unresolved/repressed emotions that ne needs to tackle, and i'm sure all this has affected you to the point where you need someone to talk to as well.
good luck.
Emerald Nuts Midnight Run (4m) 1/1/12
Coogan's Salsa, Blues, and Shamrocks Run (5k) 3/4/12
Colon Cancer Challenge (15k) 4/1/12
Purple Stride NYC (5k) 4/21/12
Run to Combat Autism (5k) 4/29/12
RnR Philadelphia (Half Marathon) 9/16/12
surely your therapist said more than this. if this is all the advice he gave, I'd find a new therapist.
Glenna Harding Photography
This is pretty childish and it's emotional blackmail:
He is saying to me that if I dont allow him to pursue other men or other couples sexually (and wants me to join being pregnant) then he doesnt want me anymore because I dont give him what he wants all of a sudden. He has said numerous times since then that he wants me gone and will sign off on his daughter unless i give him what he wants.
Bullshit.
You have 3 choices:
Open marriage where he does what he wants
You turn a blind eye to his affairs and dalliances and his CL solicitations ad let this whole thing slide (note the sarcasm here)
You show him the door.
I vote for "show him the door." That is the only viable option He's out trowling for men; this is a dealbreaker in my book.
I would also get tested stat. A dime says he's been on the DL since before he's met you; you have no assurance he didn't get physical with somebody else.
He could be gay, period. He could be telling you he is bi to sugarcoat the whole thing and somehow "make" his pursuit of men look acceptable in your eyes.
Decide what YOU want to do.
In the meanwhile, safeguard your assets, get your finances ready and see an attorney. You can get an annullment based on the fact he's gay. GL.
Hes a manly man and never gave the slightest sign at all! It had started a few weeks ago we were taking about secrets that we have never told anyone before and he told me that when he was very little he had oral sex with another boy. I was very curious as to it all and was asking lots of questions because I didnt know boys did that stuff. Well the more questions I asked the more he like the idea and it just started like that, and before you know it he wants to do it again because he remembered liking it back when he was little
At the time he probably had no idea what oral sex was, the same as little kids don't know what masturbation is, per se; all they know is that it feels good.
And this cold also be a crock of sh!t on his part, that he cooked up to tell you.
Homosexual experimentation is common in youths, from what I've heard. It doesn't mean that the kids who do it are gay.
"He's a manly man" has nothing to do with it. (So was Rock Hudson). THere are plenty of manly, straight acting men, just as there are effeminate straight men and effeminate gay men.
You might also want to contact PFLAG (Parents ad Friends of Lesbians and Gays). It's an excellent resource for you.
Has he got a sponsor and is he in AA, if he's been a problem drinker? if he has not, I'd leave just on the basis of that -- life with a problem drinker is no life at all --- and wow, he's got another problem where he's diagnosed and probably on meds for that and he's driinking, with the meds? He's plahying with fire and endangering himself, you and pretty much everybody in his path.
I don't think you have much here in the way of an H. You must be reeling from the news --- see a therapist on your own and NOT somebody like the shrink you quoted. I agree with the PP that he doensn't sound like much of a shrink. Give it 6 months to a year??? Cheez, what about YOU? You get to walk on eggs around this guy with his booze, his extracurricular activities and his diagnosis? Forget it.
Forget this, also:
He is saying to me that if I dont allow him to pursue other men or other couples sexually (and wants me to join being pregnant) then he doesnt want me anymore because I dont give him what he wants all of a sudden.
This whole thing is a tangled web of trouble --- not for nnothing but do you know why his kids from a prior marriage don't communicate with him? Maybe they didn't like the drinking, maybe they ostracized him because their parents are now divorced, it could be anything. At any rate, you have full right to disclosure by your H and full right to know why his kiddoes are out of the picture.
He has also made it clear to you that he is not interested in being married to you. It's time for him to go. Why pursue something that has zero future for you or your child?
You also need an attorney to get alimony (if applicable) and child support/visitation issues straightened out. File for an annullment; there is zero here for you.
And wow, what a lack of respect for you, his marriage vows and what a huge character flaw this guy's got:
I wont allow him to because of the fact that its wrong (were married) and Im pregnant and dont want to get any STD's that could harm the baby! Ive told him this numerous times but he doesnt seem to care because he still wants that!
Then all bets are off, as they used to say. There's nothing here for you, as I said: file for an annullment, based on this jerk's sexual preference. I am willing to bet he's full blown gay, not just bi.
I am sorry for your troubles; the news had to hit you like a ton of shitbricks. Please do what's right for you and your child. Keep safe.
I would be devastated. Im sorry this happened.You said he is bipolar. so that means he could actually be going through one of this "phases". i girl i know is bp too. something will happen and she will do something crazy like buy an animal or think something has happen like her parents abused her when she was living at home and nothing like that ever happend. so maybe this is just one of those mind flips going on. i wouldnt know how to help you but he should def be talking to a new therapist.
Good luck!
I don't think that's where this is at. But you are right: this guy needs a new shrink. The one he is seeing sounds like a quack to me. The advice is poor.
This sounds like a manic episode - sleeping less, angry outbursts, substance abuse. The only thing that doesn't seem to fit is his newfound bisexuality. Hypersexuality is common, but I'm not aware that this can involve a change in preference. It would take a good psychiatrist to sort this out. If his doctor didn't at least discuss a change in his meds, I would seek another opinion.
For yourself, you need to talk to your OB about all this. You should be retested for STD's and abstain from having intercourse if you aren't already. At least practice safe sex. Separating might be a good idea. You can still go to counseling if you aren't living together. He won't be any more likely to act on his urges if he's not at home. I would assume he's already done so.
You have 4 months until the baby arrives. If things aren't better by then, there's probably no hope for your marriage. I'm sorry you're stuck with such a shyttie situation.
He has already made it crystal clear that he is not interested in continuing the marriage -- joint counseling? HE's already emotionally checked out of the marriage and even if the OP suggests it, he will probably refuse.
Counseling is only good if both parties are motivated to attend counseling sessions. He has to want to go because he wants to work on fixing the problems -- and besides, he is bisexual. No amount of counseling will turn him into a heterosexual.
It's possible to stay married to somebody bisexual. I don't think that's what the OP wants. Besides he's made it clear he is not interested in staying married; when a guy tells that to you, it's time for you to check out of the marriage and file.
I strongly suspect he has lived on the DL for years; it's too bad he's come out of the closet right at this time; in fact, it's a horrific time for him to announce he is bi.
What matters here is what the OP wants -- she needs to put herself and her child first.
He'll sign off on his daughter if he doesn't get what he wants?
What a bum, what a creep and what a $(*$*. WOW.... who wants to stay married to a total sh!t like him???
All bets would have been off the second he made this announcement and so the hell would the marriage have been off. He should thank his lucky little starst that his wife didn't throw him bodily out the door when he made this announcement.