D.C. Area Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
friend had miscarriage
My best friend back in Michigan just had a miscarriage... they were going in today for her 20 week appointment to find out the gender, and found out they lost the baby.
She texted me, and I'm already tearing up at work. I have no idea how to comfort her from afar. She's been on fertility meds to get pregnant, and it was a miracle she had a daughter 2 years ago. They couldn't believe she was pregnant again... and she was doing great up until today.
I'm so heartbroken for her... she wanted this baby so badly...
Anyone have any ideas on things I can do for her, other than just be a shoulder to cry on, from afar? Any key phrases NOT to say?
I'll DD this later...
Re: friend had miscarriage
That is so sad, I'm sorry for your friend.
When I had my m/c, some friends sent me cards/gifts/flowers and that was lovely. I also appreciated people checking in weeks or months down the road. After the initial wave of support was gone, and I was still suffering, it was nice to get the occasional "I'm still thinking of you" note. One of the best things you can do is respect her boundaries (which I'm sure you will!). Eg: If she finds it too difficult to talk via phone, don't call her. Give her time and space to heal while letting her know you are there to support her in any way you can.
And of course one thing to NEVER say is "It wasn't meant to be" or "God had other plans". Those things are never ok to say to a woman who just lost a child. (Again, not that you would ever do that, but I just have to put it out there)
I'm so sorry for her. That's awful. Just listen. Let her talk, ask her how she's doing. Check on her in a few weeks, days, months. grief can take a long time to work through.
Words that are meant to help can sting. What not to say; anything that places the blame on her or something she did, anything that devalues her child or somehow implies that it wasn't a baby, anything that makes light of the situation.
this exactly...It hurt so bad when people said, you can have another one soon!!! and I honestly did not like getting flowers but that was just me, they looked so pretty for a few and then they died...that was hard for me at the time!!!! I also didn't want to talk to anyone for a while not even my bff who was overseas at the time....just be there for her!!!
I didn't like getting flowers either. When I had my ectopic I got a ton and I hated them. They were so bright and cheerful and then they died on the mantle. I like flower for my birthday. I'm sorry your baby died flowers hurt for some reason.
When my friend had hers it helped to just let her cry and treat it exactly the same as if the baby was 20 years old or 20 months old or 20 days old. She needed to grieve.
The worst comment was "oh phew!" from a young sibling who was thinking it was a huge relief to not be "knocked up" and then in second place was "it's okay, you can just try for another..." which made her upset that everyone was just skipping past her loss.
Just want to reiterate that the "it was never meant to be" comment is never helpful, even though some people do find it comforting. It's going into uncharted territory when you say that I find that most people (including myself) get defensive when that comment is used. Another one to avoid is, "at least you can get pregnant" or "at least you have a child." Although, I can hardly imagine you saying either one of those!
I am so sorry for your friend's loss. When I read it, my heart just sank. Especially when they were planning on such an exciting doctor's visit. How quickly your whole world can just turn upside down.
I would definitely offer to her what you suggested - your shoulder or ear, rather. She may need to just talk. It can be so hard as the person giving support to want to talk, but sometimes listening and saying very little can be so helpful to people. Maybe talk to her husband or some of their family and see if there is a place they like to eat you could food delivered or pay for some and someone could pick it up and bring it to them. Times like this, no one in their house is going to feel like cooking and food is a necessity and comforting.
My thoughts and prayers with your friend and her family. I hope she is able to find peace and comfort.
I had a 1st tri loss, and I can't even begin to imagine how much harder a 2nd tri one would be... particularly when you've likely felt the baby, bonded for much longer... I'm tearing up for your friend, too
I agree with PP's suggestions - a few weeks and months from now, remind her that you're still thinking of her and the baby (and make sure to reference him/her by name if they name the baby) and just to be there to talk about how much it sucks that the baby passed or whatever else she needs. Ugh, so awful
I'm thinking of you and your friend!
let her know that you are there for her - but I"m sure she already knows that.
did you know what her due date would've been ? I would also mark that on my calender now and maybe send an " I'm thinking of you " card too.
i'm so sorry for your friend. PPs have given great advice - I think it is helpful to just be there for her, even if you say that you aren't sure what to say.
In terms of what to do, if they've started getting baby stuff or registering, etc. it might be helpful to go to the house for them and put the baby stuff away or contact her registry to take her off the mailing list for a little bit - or at least change the due date so she doesn't get the completion coupon type stuff.
Meals and house cleaning/babysitting might also be helpful since she'll probably have some kind of physical recovery too.
ETA: sorry I didn't realize you were far away, maybe some type of meal delivery is good, or also gift cards to a restaurant if they like to eat out (some people find eating out a nice distraction for a little while).
I'm so sorry for your friend's loss
Her due date was my due date when I had DS, which makes this so hard... I'll always think of her loss... and I even texted her this morning to let her know how excited I was about her ultrasound. I'm so heart broken for her and her family. They tried SO hard to get pregnant, and had a miscarriage before they had their DD. But her first miscarriage was much earlier, so I think everyone thought they were "in the clear"...
DH came home and said "well, what'ya gonna do, this happened before, right?" and now I'm totally pissed off at him. I know he's a guy, but seriously, what an a-hole thing to say...
Thanks for all the advice ladies. I couldn't hold back my tears on her voicemail and just let her know I was here when/if she needed to talk. I'm just so, so sad for her and her family...
* blog * first baby blog * baby 2.0 blog * twitter *
again, i'm so, so sorry for your friend. you've done what you could for her tonight and just keep letting her know you're there for her.
in the meantime, i'd be making up the couch for DH to sleep on. seriously, i cannot even say what i'd do if DH said that about my friend suffering a miscarriage.
DH apologized within 10 minutes of me writing that post. He gave me a hug and told me he was sorry, he really didn't know what to say. He was trying to "help" but realized it was wrong, and he was sorry. So he's forgiven... but still makes me wish I could hop on a plane this weekend to go visit.
I'll probably post this in the loss board on thebump, but does anyone know what typically happens when you miscarry this late? I just can't imagine having to go through full blow labor, etc. I know my sister had a good friend who miscarried at 25 ish weeks, and they had the baby baptized, named him, and had a funeral. If my friend has to go through that, I want to be there for her
Doesn't help that we're flying to Dallas on Thursday morning for a wedding (DH's best friend, he's a groomsman). I feel so helpless from far away...
Thanks for all the advice, and I definitely won't be sending flowers...
* blog * first baby blog * baby 2.0 blog * twitter *
i'm glad that he realized that. my best friend is like my sister and if that happened to her and DH said something so completely thoughtless and insensitive, i guarantee he'd regret it big time.
could you go visit her in a few weeks or in early september? maybe plan something fun to do just you two? that will give her some time deal with this in whatever way she needs to and also something to look forward to in the near future.
I wouldn't post this on the loss board. I've been on that board 3 times in the last couple years and even awesome, kind, well intending posts like yours can catch someone on a really bad day. If you would like additional thoughts then PAL and PGAL (Parenting and Pregnant After Loss) are great options.
Especially by the third loss, there were only three things people could say that meant anything to me:
Because really, you don't "know I can have another" (which I, and it sounds like possibly she, can't), "I understand. I lost a dog, cat, thought I might m/c, etc." (Yup, idiots actually said that). And of course, the oldies but goodies including God's will, not meant to be, better to have loved and lost, not actually a real baby yet, etc.
I loved the flowers but some find them depressing so that's a tough one to call. Some wonderful gifts/tokens were:
And like pp all said, her pain will probably last a long, long time so check in with her weeks and months down the road.
Thank you... I'll make sure I follow through with the 'I'm thinking of you' sentiments, and make sure I don't belittle this at all. Which, I'm trying hard to keep from crying at work about it, so I can't imagine the sheer agony she must be going through.
I found out she delivered the baby this morning and named him after her DH (it was a boy). I reached out to her sisters to ask about a possible funeral, and I might reach out to her DH tonight to let him know I'm thinking of them.
Thanks all, I really appreciate it...
* blog * first baby blog * baby 2.0 blog * twitter *
I lost my first baby at 21 wks along, and delivered her. We did not have a funeral, instead we had her creamated and we have her ashes at home with us. Other people do plan memorial services.
My heart breaks for your friend. The best advice I can give is to keep trying to make contact with your friend. Even if she doesn't answer, she'll appreciate your messages and that you are thinking of her. I rarely answered the phone for several weeks, but did listen to and save every message that people sent. And, don't be afraid to cry when talking to her. Don't feel like you have to be strong for her -- it helped me to know that other people were hurting, too. Be sure to call her baby by name when you talk about him. Don't be afraid to bring up her loss or to ask her questions.... when she's ready, she will probably want to talk about it. And, be sure to remember her on special days -- each month that marks the anniversary of the loss, on her due date, at the holidays. Just a simple note letting her know that you're thinking of her. All of these days are so difficult, and it helps to know that people haven't forgotten that she's still grieving. The hardest part was knowing that people thought I should move on before I was ready. Grieving takes time, and all you can do is let her know you are there, and support her through it. Please feel free to ask if you have any further questions.
What a horrible thing to have to go through. My heart goes out to your friend.
Ditto what pp said about gift certificates to local restaurants. When I had my miscarriage, I couldn't get out of bed for several days. The last thing I wanted to do was cook.
How sad. It stinks that anyone has to go through it... big hugs to her.