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Future in laws.....
I will try and keep this short, but I'm not sure that can happen. HAHA
My fiance graduated from college in May and got a job right away, I am trying to find a job and finish school. We are getting married OCT 2012 and we wanted to get a house before so it can be ready and all moved it. We had planned on looking and buying around February. Well last month we starting looking, I didn't think we were really serious, just thought we were looking for what we wanted. Well my future in laws went and looked at 3 open houses and then later that week my fiance and I went to look at 2 other houses one of them being one of the ones the in laws looked at. Well after we got done looking at it they had convinced my fiance into making an offer.
Problem one. We hadn't saved enough money for the down payment yet. I told him not yet it was to soon, well they did anyway. Well his parents said they would help with the down payment and some of the fixes around the house. I am very thankful for that but...
Problem two. They started picking things out when its supposed to be a special time for my fiance and I and his dad started being a jerk to me. A bunch of small things happen and my fiance and I fought A LOT. More than the 4 years we have been together.
Problem three. His dad told me that until we are married and I live there ( I'm not moving in until after the wedding, my choice) I have NO right to make any choices. His parents have talked my fiance into so many things that we didn't want to do, and now the fun experience of buying a house is NO fun. I wasn't even aloud to go to closing. Now that they are helping pay for the down payment and my fiance is paying for house payment because they didnt wait for me to get a job, his dad NEVER calls it our house its only my fiances.
I have been really hurt and I am not really sure on what to do.....
Re: Future in laws.....
If you only started looking a month ago, no way could you have closed, and your ILS could not have been out any $$ yet. Back out of the deal, pay whatever penalties you need to. and if your fi won't back out, then cancel the wedding. You deserve not to have that much interference in your lives. This will not stop when you get married.
It is still a buyer's market, you can find plenty of homes if this opportunity "slips away...."
You're upset with your in-laws because your FI is a doormat?
And yeah, if they're putting money towards his house, they get some say until that money is paid back. If you aren't married yet and you aren't putting any money towards the house and your name isn't on the title, it isn't your house and you get no say.
But really, you need to be looking at your future with a man who lets mommy and daddy call all the shots in his life. A wedding ring won't change this.
It's very clear to me that your FI graduated from school, landed a job and bought a house. He's engaged to be married next year to a lovely co-ed who's finishing-up her degree and looking for work.
You're in different stages of your life. You're not prepared to buy property and he is. He has the finacial help of his parents, you don't.
As much as you imagined that he would wait until you were both in the same stage of life to buy a house and make it a home, he didn't. Stop thinking he was pushed into this. He wasn't. He took his parent's money. He signed the closing papers. He excluded you. He did all of that.
Which is all fine. Again, you're in different stages of life and he has different resources than you. Your dream of investing in a home together has been smashed to pieces. So, make a new dream. Do you even want to live there when you get married? You don't have to. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Just because your boyfriend bought a house doesn't mean you have to live in it after you get married. You don't have to pay attention to it at all.
In all honesty, if you've been exlcuded from the whole process, I would keep my distance. Its been made clear to you that this is not your home. So don't assume otherwise. It's your FI's property, leave him to it. Completely.
Go live your life and see if your FI really wants to be with YOU or alone in his great big new investment.
Here we go again....
Your IL's aren't the problem your FI is. If he wanted you to be part of this process you would have been. He may have graduated and has a job, but he didnt grow up yet. He is still letting mommy and daddy take care of him. Maybe he couldnt say no to such a generous offer, maybe he just didnt have the balls to do it, either way YOU were not even a consideration is this huge purchase.
Im sure your name isnt on the deed, so it isnt your house. This is his house and you will be living in it. He bought it, he decorated it, he owns it. This was ALL HIS choice.
Please put the blame where it belongs and open your eyes. You are both too immature to be getting married.
Your FI sounds like a major push over! Seriously talk to him and let him know how you're feeling, that you need it to be you and him not him and your parents with you waving around in the background.
I find it so weird that you're engaged to be married and he would go and buy a house without your approval (he does know that it's YOUR future house too right?) If he can't see his problem and if he does nothing too fix it (talking with his parents, arranging a way to fully pay them back and for them to stop taking a leadership rule in the house and your lives, and start respecting you. I'd seriously reconsider marrying this guy, becuase things are only going to get worse.
Get in counseling to work out your issues NOW, before you move forward with a home purchase or any more wedding planning. If your FI isn't willing to make changes and stand up to his parents instead of listening to everything they say, call this wedding off or you will live miserably the rest of your life. Your only problem here is your FI.
And this advice comes from someone who was there- and let me tell you, if your FI wants to be with you and make it work, he will cut the umbilical cord with his p's. I went through some similar problems with MIL (but actually even worse) and counseling worked for us. We've now been married 5 years with no IL issues that come between us. If your FI isnt willing to work on this, then he's not worth marrying.
Dude, do you even like the house ?
So wise...it's chilling, really.
Ditto all of this.
I will never understand why a couple rushes into marriage. How old are you & FI? He was very lucky to land a job fresh out of college. The two of you should've saved the $ for a down payment before you went house searching.
BUT, since what's done is done, I will tell you this - a ring changes nothing. Your FI will be the exact same way after the "I do's" as he is now...marriage won't change him.
FI saw an opportunity given to him by his parents and he took it. You're absolutely right when you say the whole process should've been a special time between the two of you. Look at this as a red flag. You haven't officially 'started your lives' together - yet. Take this as foreshadowing and ditch.him.now.
We now purchased a second home jointly, without any help from either set of parents.
This is truly a FI issue, and not his parents. I would see a counselor on your own to determine if you're really ready to commit to someone like this.