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FIL Advice.
My fiance and I have been engaged for only about 5 months and we decided to have our wedding in October. When he told his parents they were lessed than thrilled. Actually they did everything they could to try and convience him to call of the engagement.
Before this my fmil and I had what I would say is a pretty good relationship. We were close, and she acted more of a friend to me than anything else. She did try to manipulate me into kicking my fiance out of my apartment since it wasn't technically his too. (He did pay rent, but when I moved in he was there all the time so I was like if you are going to be here 24/7 you might as well pay rent and move in) We hadn't been together long when we moved in with each other so we each had quirks we had to get used to.
Unfortunately, I considered her a friend and would sort of vent to her about things that bothered me. Such as his inability to lock the door and turn the lights off at night when he would be the last one in the living room. But it was all things we easily worked through. But she would try to manipulate me into breaking up with him or starting fights in between us.
I just ignored the behavior since I had been around people all my life who are manipulative and I can see right through it. But now as we get closer and closer to our October 29th wedding date. I am more and more worried about marrying into this family.
I have been called stupid by his dad on facebook, his dad has made sly remarks to me, his sister demanded that she be a bridesmaid and through a fit when she was not asked, his Aunts and Uncle's will not speak to me anymore, His cousin called me various names here's a quote from a facebook message she sent me " you are the ugliest TRASHIEST FAT *** IVE EVER SEEN LOOK IN A MIRROR YOUR LUCKY TO HAVE JOSH find help girl you are the one who is gonna need help if i ever see you im telling you right now little girl you better keep them eyes to yourself when we do see each other or yourt gonna wish you never opened ur mouth" His friends have called me a gold digger which I'm honestly not seeing as my fiance is broke and I make more than him.
My fiance does try to stick up for me, but the continue to just walk all over him. I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice?
Re: FIL Advice.
I'd be worried about marrying into that family, too. The way your life is now is how it will be once you are married to him; can you live like that?
I hope this is just MUD. If not, run. He doesn't sound worth it.
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Look, OP, a successful relationship can't make it on love alone. Love does NOT conquer all. Please keep that in mind as you think about this entire situation.
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Advice? Run like hell.
Your FI's family doesn't respect you and he isn't doing anything to stop it - what kind of man lets that happen?
First, hopefully you've learned your lesson about nitpicking your fiance in front of other people and complaining to family members about your marital problems. If all of the things you were venting about were so trivial and you easily worked through them, there's no reason whatsoever to go _bitching to his mom. Also, you shoulder a good portion of the blame for allowing her to manipulate you into fighting with your fiance.
In addition, as usual, your real problem here is not your FMIL, it's your fiance. Did he cut his cousin out of his life after what she wrote on facebook? If not, no amount of love is going to make your marriage a long-lasting, happy one. (Although I, too, am curious about what sparked the cousin's tirade.) He might be a great guy, but if he can't stand up to people who are being blatant _assholes to you or to him, he's lacking an essential skill for marriage. You can't just stick your head in the sand and hope the problem goes away.
What do you mean, your FI "tries" to stick up for you? There's no "try" here. He sticks up for you or he doesn't. If he's saying, "Family, please don't pick on Lex," and his family continues to treat you like shiit, and he just shrugs and says, "Well, I tried" and then keeps associating with his family ... well, guess what honey, he's NOT sticking up for you.
Sticking up for you would be him saying, "Family, you are to treat Lex with respect at all times or else you will not be a part of our lives anymore," and then if they can't be nice/civil to you he doesn't call, e-mail or visit them anymore. End of story. THAT is sticking up for you. If you are going to have a succesful marriage, then you need to be his number one priority, and he needs to disassociate himself with anyone who treats you (or him) poorly.
And why the heck are you still Facebook friends with this people, if they're leaving you such awful messages??? Unfriend them, block them, cancel your account, do something about it! I swear, there are so many stupid problems on these message boards that stem out of adults acting like babies on Facebook.
I'm also really, REALLY puzzled as to why his family all suddenly hates you for no apparent reason. People don't like turn into nutcases overnight. Did they treat you poorly before the engagement? If not, what the hell happened? Are you sure that you've been just minding your business this whole time and they just spontaneously decided to gang up on you? There HAS to be more to the story here. What did you say or do to piss them off so much? I could believe maybe one crazy in-law story, but the fact that you have at least half a dozen in-laws who hate your guts enough to leave you awful messages makes me think that you're not completely blameless in this situation.
When I would talk to his mother about these things I didn't see it as bitching. Like I said I considered her more of a friend.
We all did get along before the engagement. But the only thing I can see is we stopped spending as much time with his family. One time I had accidentally left my makeup bag at her house and she went through it using what she wanted, and it kinda annoyed me. Then we started to spend more time with my family. We had spent all holidays including Halloween and New Years with his family and for Easter this year we spent it with my family. It was also my fiances birthday easter day and they made a big deal because we were spending it with my family, but my family had planned a birthday party for him. Where his parents didn't even get him a birthday present. But they were still upset he was spending it with me.
After that his parents started to have an attitude with things like his dad said that he knows who is more important to my fiance. My fiance is really close to his whole family. They consider there Aunts and Uncles on both sides to be immediate family. (His dad has 14 brothers and sisters) Well when we announced our engagement they were absolutely against it. His family bowls together in a league and they kind of got together to discuss our engagement with Aunts and Uncles where they had ideas like don't go to the wedding and kick him out your will. Stuff like that.
When I say my fiance tries to stick up for me he will say something, but he's been a doormat all his life so no one cares.
Now to why the cousin said that. I told her that we are having an extremely small wedding and we would not be inviting boyfriends. Reason being is my fiance has 100 people in his immediate family.Since his dad has 14 brothers and sisters plus their significant others is 28 right there. So we could not accommodate 16 year old boyfriends. And thats when she went off on me.
When I say he's broke that does not mean he's a free loaders. have been helped all my life such as I have all my school paid for with financial aid, my dad bought my car, and pays my insurance, my grandparents paid for my gas to go back and fourth to school. ( I don't want to hear anything about being spoiled.) While he had to take out student loans, and when he finished and started his career he finaced a mustang convertible and he just racked up debt. He's doing much better now that he sold his mustang, and his only bill is his student loan, but still isn't making millions.
Why do you want to have a wedding of 100+ people (incl those A's & U's that don't like you) and pay for it?
WHY do you want to be married to a doormat?
It's great that he paid for his college, pays rent, pays/paid for his car. That's not enough.
If you just have to marry this guy - elope w/a small wedding - JoP style.
Good luck.
When I say my fiance tries to stick up for me he will say something, but he's been a doormat all his life so no one cares.
So then he needs to separate himself from people who mistreat the two of you. End of story. They can either get their act together and treat you both with respect from that point on, or you and FI (and any kids in the future) won't associate with them anymore.
If he won't do that, then this problem is never, ever going to go away. It'll only make things worse. Do you want to have to explain to your small child why Grandma and Grandpa are always mean to you? Do you want a small child to grow up thinking that it's O.K. for family members to treat each other badly just because they're related?
The family situation is never going to change. If his parents (and close family) do not approve of your relationship and are trying to get in between you two, it is only going to continue over time. I have had experience with this (as I've broken two engagement for it) and my sister is dealing with the same thing with her DH's family. They are not supportive and have repeatedly tried to trash their marriage.
Best advice. If you can't live with it and get along enough for everyone to work together, you might want to consider ending it.