Privacy in your marriage?

ms_teach

A wife was snooping through her husband's email and realized he is having internet relations with some girl across the country.  Since then she followed up in his phone, instant messenger, etc.  She had no idea he was cheating and found out in a random romp through his email, which she does without his knowledge because he doesn't know she has his passwords.  She can be in their bedroom and monitoring his text exchanges as they're happening without his knowledge through his email.

I think he's totally out of line and she has every right to confront his behavior, but the general consensus seemed to be that after you're married, you and your spouse are no longer allowed to have your own email accounts, etc. and that passwords should no longer exist.  That surprised me and made me wonder if DH and I are alone in that he still has his stuff and I still have mine.  If either one of us ever thought there was a problem I'm sure we'd let the other look if it made them feel better, but does he really need to read every email I send just because he wants to?  Is my journal now his to read just because we're married? Can I no longer have private conversations on the phone with my brother because I'm a wife?

Now that you're married, are all the communications in your life automatically open to your spouse? 

sld0618

This is fabulous!!!

I'm all about the middle.  Sometimes I feel when you don't share passwords, you're hiding something.  DH and I know each other's passwords, but he has never been on my accounts.  I on the other hand, take care of some stuff for him, like past roommate situations, so I would go on his email and his fb to take of it for him.  I did not snoop through anything else, just where I needed to go.  If I had reason to, I totally would!  In that situation above, she OBVIOUSLY knew something was going on prior to looking, or else she wouldn't have.  My ex bf and his wife had the same fb profile for a while, it was SUPER weird. Like really?!? So it has to be middle ground for a healthy relationship.  You can take it both ways though, say you're on the phone with your brother and DH after says oh, what did you talk about?  I feel like he is trying to be supportive and know what is going on with you.  If he is listening in on another line just because you're his wife, that obviously way not okay.

As for bank accounts, my mom sugguests having my own because my aunt just got royally screwed over by her husband and is left with absoultely nothing with 2 kids.  It's a real messed up situation and it's all because she put him on bank accounts, bills, etc.  He called up all the different places and took her off so that she couldn't see anything.  We ended up putting each other on our accounts, but I can always open up my own account if I feel like I need to, which is what my aunt should have done when things were going south.

It's a fine line of being involved with each other because you care and being controlling.

sparklegirl84

Argh TN ate my post! Its a PITA to nest from my phone but i think it depends on the couple. Id love it if we shared everything but im insecure cuz we had an issue in the past. I'd be devastated if it happened again. We leave our phones out & i can see his emails on his computer. We trust each other though & don't feel like we need to be sneaky & snoop...i'd like to think i'd hear it from him first.

risa1818

I definitely agree with Sarah and take middle stance. I don't think we need to merge our idenities because we are married now. I am not gonna lie, I have definitely snooped in DH's email and FB a few times, but not because I was ever suspicious, but just because it was open on the computer.

We both know each others passwords and will check each others bank accounts since we haven't opened a joint account yet. 

I think that when you have a reason to suspect that your spouse is cheating, then you should have the right to snoop on their accounts. I don't think that you need to feel like you have to have a shared FB page now or not go outside to take a phone call. I am never not going to have my own email, but if DH needs a password, then so be it. I don't have anything to hide, but that does not mean that I am going to abandon all things that require a password. 

I think if there is enough trust in the relationship then having your own identity plus having a fabulous new life as a married is definitely possible

asf619

I'm another middle-grounder! We have our own email accounts, etc. My husband and I know each other's passwords, and although we have a joint bank account, we technically have separate credit cards (but even those are joint... however, one is accessible through my bank login, while the other is through his). On my laptop, one web browser has all my info stored, and auto-connects me to FB, etc., while the other web browser has his info. Honestly, even though it's right at my fingertips, I don't even bother with "his" web browser, unless he specifically asks me to for whatever reason.

It's been this way for the 7 years we've been married. 

MrsMirMaz

I feel like a middle grounder too. DH has my email password, my FB log in, and my nest account is linked to his email since I wanted a new name. I have his email password. We have a joint bank account and our own. We split bills based on income because he makes about 4 times what I do. I get an allowance each week for my shopping so that I learn to budget better and he can't knit pick how I spend that. It all works for us. He's never been in my email, unless I asked him to check it, or logged into my FB. I don't check his email. I feel like we have nothing to hide so it's not a big deal. Plus I think knowing we have access ensures we're being honest, if that makes sense.

ms_teach

We're pretty down the middle too.  We've both given each other our log-ins for one reason or another along the road, but we don't use them regularly.  We swapped a cheat sheet in case (knock on wood) something happened to one of us.

The whole thing just made me feel like we were on Big Brother or something where my spouse should constantly be looking over my shoulder to see what I'm doing or else our marriage isn't open enough.  That just isn't for us.  Who has the time?!

Orchid2011

Very interesting thread. I'm going to join the club and say that i'm a middle person too. We know each others password for certain things and but we also have our own privacy as individuals. I don't think that just because you're married now that you need to share absolutely everything. If we didn't trust each other then we obviously wouldn't of gotten married. An advice I got before marriage was that "you don't always share everything with your spouse. You have the right to have your own secrets and privacy". Now I'm not saying that I'm going to lie to him etc but I kind of agree with this. There are things that my friends tell me because they trust me and "just because I'm married now" doesn't mean DH needs to know what they confess to me. There was a time where I had so many confessions on my shoulders that I just had to talk to someone before I exploded so I went to FI at that time but it wasn't for him to judge. It was more so that I felt relief and supported. He dies the same with me. When he tells me something about a friend ir a family member I just listen, not judging because that's not my place. Like pps I've searched DH FB account etc but only because it was open and I was currious. We have our own accounts and were opening up an emergency family savings account together. It's just easier for us that way because we both like to sound lots of $ and he makes wayyyyy more than me so there's never confusion ect. Also how can we surprise each other with gifts etc if we share an acct we'll be questioning each other why there's so much money missing. I'm happy with the way we are set up right. Will it change when we buy our own house? Who knows. Right now we divide our bills because of who makes more and he usually pays for everything when we go out so why should I complain. I love him he lives me we share a lot if stuff we are open with our communications and we have our own identities.