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In-laws don't like our new house
So normally I have a good relationship with my MIL and FIL, but this weekend we closed on a house and when they came over to see it for the first time, they made it very, very clear they hated the house. My FIL even went so far as to say things like, "You could have got a better house," "next time consult me before you buy a house because I could have told you not to buy a place with problems like this [referring to our driveway that is apparently not wide enough]," and my favorite "don't do any home improvement projects because you'll probably be selling this very soon [apparently when we realize how horrible our house and neighborhood really are]."My FIL is now even pressuring us to ride with him to look at houses in a different neighborhood he feels would be more suitable for us. (The neighborhood he wants us in is about the last place on earth I'd like to live.)
I think the major issue is they aren't American and think large purchases should be a family decision. I am American and don't feel comfortable having someone else tell me what house to buy. They also have a very narrow idea of what makes a good house: cul-de-sac, residential neighborhood, attached garage, big yard, the newer the better, etc. I prefer older houses in walkable, urban areas with plenty to do and public transportation nearby.
I was pretty patient during the barrage of criticism, but it's been really bothering me ever since. Should I mention that they hurt my feelings or let it go? My husband mentioned he wasn't pleased with the comments to his mother and she said actually she thought the house was ok but it was really her husband (my FIL) who thought we had made a huge mistake and that she didn't want to get in the middle. Part of me thinks I should just agree to disagree with them, but another part of me feels they need to know how disrespectful it is to completely verbally trash a house someone has spent years researching and saving for. Does anyone have advice?
Re: In-laws don't like our new house
Your husband needs to tell his father to shut up or get out of your house. It really is that simple.
What exactly did your husband do/say while his father was saying these things?
In the moment, your DH needs to say "Dad, quit it with the comments. We're happy with the house, and while you don't have to like it, you need to stop being rude about it."
You can also make a comment like "Well, it's a good thing that it's our house then, and not yours! Fortunately, we're very happy with it."
I agree. I'm thinking this isn't the first time her FIL has stepped out and been rude. Some sort of precedent was set that would make him think it's okay to voice that type of concern outloud after the fact. I could handle some unsolicited advice while I was looking for a home; but to bash it after the fact when there is nothing we could do about it is NOT okay.
Ultimately, ditto Maybride. Your DH needs to be telling his dad to back off. The more firm your DH is, the less he "entertains" the criticism, the sooner your FIL will back down.
Pressuring you both to go look at other houses? You both need to stand firm and say "no".
And really, if he keeps it up, your DH needs to tell him "As you dislike the house this much, then we won't be inviting you over.", and then don't invite him over!
But really- your FIL is going to keep at this if your DH never says "boo" in return.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ideally your H should've said, "We're happy with the home and we're not changing our minds" to stop FIL from commenting. And if FIL had kept it up, your H should've said, "This isn't open for discussion. We are very pleased with this house and we are staying here, end of story. If want to visit us in this house then you need to keep your criticisms to yourself."
Should I mention that they hurt my feelings or let it go?
Saying to them at this point in the game, "You hurt my feelings" probably isn't going to do anything. FIL is likely going to respond back that he's just looking out for you, that he knows better than you, etc., and a fight is going to occur.
And it's not really a matter of whether or not FIL hurt your feelings, IMO. It's a matter of him overstepping his bounds, and your H needing to tell him to knock it off. If he didn't purchase the home, then he has no right to complain. Not just because it's the polite thing to do, but because he has absolutely no say in which home you choose to buy. If he was buying the home for you, then it might be unkind of him to comment that you made a crappy choice but it'd absolutely be within his rights to do so since he made the purchase.
All you can do at this point is take it as a lesson. Talk to your husband and let him know that he needs to step up next time and tell FIL to knock off the criticism or else he's not invited to visit.
Did they pay for it?
No?
Then your H needs to tell his father to keep his opinion to himself or he wont ever see the inside of it again.
In the moment, either one of you could have told them to zip it.
Now, your H should probably sit his parents down and tell them there comments are unwelcome and that you won't be house hunting with them.
Absolutely do not invite them over again until they can learn to treat you (the general you of you and H) with respect.
Ditto this. Tell your FIL "We have a adage we use in America....'no pay, no say!'"
He doesn't give a crap that he hurt your feelings. He thinks you made a huge mistake and said so.
And will say-so again.
And he'll never stop saying so until his son shuts him down and you hold firm that you all disagree on how YOU want to live. I'm sorry that you are disappointed in their lack of enthusiasm and support. But here you are. You got an obnoxious and opinionated FIL who hates your taste and choice. So you have to manage that going forward. Not talk about hurt feelings and criticizing his manners. You have to walk a tight line between saying "He's wrong" and going to blows and "Thanks for your opinon, we've already decided" and not fighting about it.
If you get into a car and look at other houses days after you went to closing, you're a fool. Even considering it worries me. Just love your house and know the FIL never will.
Ditto this.
If you hop into a car with your FIL, even "just to appease him," it makes it seem like the home you choose is up for discussion. It is not.
I would tell him "you've made your feelings known. I will no longer discuss this with you. If you feel so strongly about not liking our house, you are free to leave" (provided they are at your home).
I can (and have) lived with the initial tour of the house comments that my ILs don't like or approve (approve may be too heavy a term) of our 1st house purchase earlier this spring. I know on subsequent visits when DH has rather proudly announced our future reno plans for this or that that his dad remains silent and eye-bally....but the silent is pretty key for me. If the continued spoken disapproval had continued I think DH would have squashed it. On the other hand, my MIL who initially was silent and eyebally has come around to see that she actually likes the place (still not crazy about it's location, also inner-city urban). The offer to take you house shopping again so soon to find something more suitable would be harder for me to take.
But, you do recognize that you're not simply dealing with ILs who are pushy with their tastes and hopes for you guys...but that there is an element to cultural procedures and norms. For me that gives them a little more leeway. Still you and your husband need to nip this in the bud the moment another occurrence happens (honestly, I think waiting for a private moment to "confront" between hubby and his father is a worse idea...I think face-to-face in the moment firmness is more direct and harder to defend against).
You shouldn't say anything but your husband needs to have a talk with his father and tell him how disrespecful he was and that while he doesn't have to love your house he does have to respect your decisions regarding your lives and your future. He needs to put his parents in their place and the sooner the better.
"Well FIL, since you hate it so much, I'm so glad you'll never need to live with us!"
Seriously, FIL, pound sand, and get out.
You mentioned that your IL's are not American. What national origin are they? What culture do they come from? My IL's are Taiwanese (H is first generation). They believe that EVERYTHING should be a "family decision". Its been a real slog to have them realize that not everything is open to them to approve or deny. They are starting to get it, and we've had to be very stern.
I am not knocking the culture & for the most part enjoy the strong sense of family (to put it mildly) but creating boundaries has to happen. My H has been marvelous in creating a buffer & letting them know that we are not in the old country. I respect them and will definitely compromise in some areas.
With a baby on the way it has gotten a little bit worse. So you definitely want to assert yourself and make a regular habit of it. Have your H speak for you or point blank say something to them when they start ragging on you. You don't have to be rude, but be direct & polite.
My IL's are trying to tell me how to raise, dress, teach and treat my daughter already. I just let it go in one ear & out the other. I thank them for their contributions and suggestions. They are just that though, suggestions-- take it all with a grain of salt.
I'm sorry. I know its frustrating.