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Back from deployment - lazy husband?
So I'm really new to postings on here so I probably won't get any of the shorthand lingo right. Hang in there with me tho 
My now husband got back from Iraq just over a year ago. Instead of getting a job, he decided to go back to school and draw unemployment. He's been in school on and off for 10 years due to deployments and is still not very far towards getting a degree. Well, long story short, he got really bad food poisoning and missed a week of classes and just stopped going. Resulting in flunking his courses. So I told him he had to get a job before we got married (we got married 21 May of this year). It's now 2 August and he's still jobless. Any job fair he's found out about he's skipped. He hardly ever puts any effort into looking for jobs. Most of his time spent at home is playing xbox (halo is the death of me!). His unemployment benefits run out in October which means we'd be living off his guard check he gets once a month and my salary. My salary barely covers my half of our bills and my own bills (car insurance, gas, etc.).
So I'm coming to you for help. Anytime I talk to him about how frustrated and stressed I am (on top of all of our stuff, work is awful for me right now - my boss has it out for me and i have a huge target on my back) he gets pissed because he thinks I'm nagging him. Do you have any advice for me on how to approach this situation better and to get him to stop being so lazy??
Thanks!
Re: Back from deployment - lazy husband?
Before I give you advice, you should change you screen name. It's your first and last name and it's a big no no.
That being said, I don't believe it's nagging when it is for the betterment of your family unit. You said that he had to get a job before you got married but then he didn't and you guys did get married.
If my H didn't have a job and wasn't actively looking or in school, it'd be a huge problem.
I suppose you could issue an ultimatum but look how well that turned out.
The simple fact is that you have ten years worth of documented laziness behind him. You'd have to be high to expect him to change now.
Get another husband.
Click me, click me!
Ten years without a job, he ignored your ultimatum, and you expect something to suddenly change. It isn't going to happen.
Why did you marry him when he didn't have a job?
What others said, plus:
Show him a spreadsheet of your finances with and without his unemployment benefits. Make sure that he understands and try to get him to talk to you about a solution. Just see what he says. That should give you a big clue what to do next.
Is he depressed?
other than that I have the same redundant question of why you married him without him having a job? and if you werent going to follow through with the ultimatum, why give it in the first place?
as for this. dont nag him, or engage in arguements with him. I like the idea of giving him the budget and talking about how far the money goes. If he is unwilling to get a job, I'd seriously leave.
I know its a "tough market" out there as everyone says, but my friend's dad used to say "if no job is beneath you, you will never be unemployed." Its easier to find a job when you have a job, so finding any job will pay off for him. Plenty of places are hiring.
I changed my name
Thank you too all of you that have replied to this.
First, I want to say I'm trying to figure out how to change my username .. So any advice on how that's possible, please let me know. I haven't been able to figure that out yet.
Second, yes, it's a harsh reality that I failed in the aspect that I told him he had to have a job before we got married. He even set that goal for himself. And while I'll say he has been trying, he hasn't been trying as hard as I believe he should be. He's gone to career centers here and he's gone to military seminars. BUT, every day (in my eyes) should be spent looking for jobs. And he's not doing that. So while I gave the impression he's not doing anything to find a job, he is. He just needs to do more. That's where I'm lost as to what to do.
To those that say he's been lazy for 10 years with school, not all of those are just because he's lazy and flunked out. He's been on 3 deployments. All 6 months or more. So that makes it difficult. Yes, he seriously slacked this last semester when he got sick. I didn't believe he needed to go back 1 month after he got back from Iraq but that's what he chose.
Jilly - I honestly think something is going on in his head. I don't know if he's depressed, I don't know if it's PTSD. But I really do believe something is going on. And I don't know how to help with that. That's part of the problem I believe.
I just feel at a loss as to where to go. I don't want to leave or even threaten to leave, but if this doesn't change, it's going to come to that. Our dreams of buying a house and having a family are being put on hold because he doesn't have a job and we can't save money.
He let food poisoning derail him for a semester of college. Is this really the caliber of man you want to spend the rest of your life with? I know this is likely not what you want to hear, and I'm sorry for that. What would you tell your best girlfriend if she told you that her DH has spent ten years in and out of college, with little tomshow for it and has made no real attempt to get a job in over a year? Not a good situation. Take care of yourself.
You're really just making excuses for him here.
10 years is more than enough time for him to get his degree, even with the deployments. Classes can be taken online and the military has programs that help with getting credits while deployed.
PTSD can be a problem for returning soldiers but it usually presents in a short temper, anxiety, jumpiness, etc. Laying on the couch playing halo and refusing to do much to find a job doesn't count. Depression might fit but I really don't think it is the case. However, if it is, he ought to be getting off his ass and seeing someone about it. Is he willing to do so?
Also, as former military, he should be hard core going after rent a cop positions. Has he done that or does he go to a few job fairs just to shut you up?
Long story short, it is not your job to force your H to actively look for a job. That should be his doing, his desire. If it isn't, you have a dud on your hands, sorry to say. Do you really want to stay with a man who expects you to do all the heavy lifting in his life? If he's this lackadasical about finding employment to provide for his family, how do you think he'll do as a father? Will he actively pitch in to keep up the household and parent or will he wait for you to tell him what to do and then do the minimum to shut you up?
These are questions you need to consider.
And please, for the love of all that is holy tell me that you're on a reliable form of birth control and using it consistantly and wisely, yes?
Click me, click me!
All of you are correct in saying that I'm making excuses for him and I shouldn't be. That's the reality. It's a hard one to face, but that's the case. I haven't been around the military long enough to know what they offer and what they don't. But yes, classes can be taken online. He has shown other forms of PTSD and when he's gone to the VA about his issues, it's like he's pushed to the back burner on every issues he's gone to them for.
hindsight's - to make you feel better, yes I am actively using BC and have never missed a pill. I'm not about to end up with an oopsie on our hands.
you cant really "change it" you have to start a new account, and ask for this one to be deleted by the nest gods.
I changed my name
Lazy =/= PTSD
He's using that crap as an excuse. Everyone around him has allowed him to sit on his butt and get away with doing nothing for ever. He seems to be the king of excuses.
You can threaten him all you want to get off his butt, but he won't give a crap because he knows you won't follow through. If you want him to actually do anything, you have to show him you aren't playing around. Mean what you say and follow through.
how do I ask the nest gods to delete my account?
email Bump Kathleen at community@thebump.com and let her know you want to delete the account.
I changed my name
Thanks so much for all of your help!