Mother jealous over holidays, help!

Bambina2

I am a newlywed, married less than a year.  Before my marriage my mother was always very crazy about  where and with who I spent the holidays. My parents are separated so I had to choose between my dads family or her (her family is now just her and my grandma, very small).  She would guilt me if I was with anyone else but her even if I was with her and would then leave to go see my dad or by boyfriends family, lets say.  When I met my husband he has a huge family who is very into holidays, and birthdays etc.  I enjoy being around them and when I am with my mother it is always a drag and we usually end up fighting.  I understand she is lonely but she makes me feel so bad if I am not constantly with her.  She guilts me by making comments or getting mad at me if I dont spend time with her even if it isnt a holiday just a random day off when I would rather do errands than sit at her house.   I am also expecting my first child and I dread how she will act if God forbid I am with my baby at my in laws or my dads on holidays instead of with her.  She barely talks much with my poor husband who has to sit there with me and two older women, not exactly fun for him.  He feels she doesnt like him but I know she doesnt really like anyone who takes my attention away from her.  I am an only child also so it makes it so hard for me to be with her always because I now have a family of my own and I wish she would understand.  How do you guys divide up your time for holidays? I need help so badly, I sometimes even lie to her and say I'm working the holiday just to avoid the issue.  I don't want to put my baby through this, someone please help! Thanks! 

EastCoastBride

Well, on one front, when it comes to holidays- can you invite her to join you all w/ your DH's family?  That would kill 2 birds w/ one stone!

Past that, though... remember, she can only guilt you if YOU let her!  So, dont' let her.  Make your decisions based on works best for you and your DH and be confident in those decisions.

Also, have you ever talked to her?  A gentle heart to heart? A "mom, I want to see you and spend time with you.  But I can't spend all my time w/ you. I wish you would respect that instead of trying to make me feel bad." kind of thing. 

ReturnOfKuus

When she lays on the guilt trip, remind her that it's unpleasant for you and therefore causes you to want to see her less.  Unless this is what she wants, she should cut it out.

magsugar13

We do every other holiday.

since it is only your mom would you consider bringing her with you?

how are you splitting them now?

ILoveRedVino

I'd make a plan with your H and stick to it.  Spend Thanksgiving with your mom, Christmas with your dad, Easter with the in-laws, for example, and rotate those each year.  If they all live close enough to spend some time with more than one family on each holiday, awesome.  If not, or if you just don't want that stress, then it's your call.  Don't feel guilty.

makinithappen

I think she just needs to get over it.  However, what works for us is:

 Two days before Christmas-S goes to his dad's and they do their morning on Christmas Eve.  I get him back around 4

Christmas Eve-dinner at my mom's and kids open presents

Christmas morning-immediate family

Christmas day lunch time-My dad's side

Christmas dinner time-H's side

 Family has to understand they aren't the only one and you have places to be

Oh, and everyone is about 30 minutes apart. 

renegade gaucho

You can't change her, you can only change your reaction to her.  Make your plans and divide up your family time during the holidays in whatever way works best for you and your husband, and if she doesn't like it, it's her problem, not yours.

mbcdefg

You're an adult, and you have your own family now, and you are entitled to your own life. You don't owe her 100% of your time, and you don't owe her an explanation or an apology when you'd rather go somewhere else or stay at home.

You need to stop taking responsibility for her being upset. She is CHOOSING to be upset here. You haven't done anything wrong. She wants control, and you are feeding into this need by trying to bend over backward to please her.

Just say, "Mom, here's the schedule we've set. We'll set a new one for next year and rotate holidays to be fair to everyone. You are more than welcome to come along with us on X holidays if you wish." If she biitches and moans, tough. Shrug and say, "The schedule is final. Come along with us if you want," and then end the conversation.

Once she sees that she doesn't have control over you anymore, she will likely knock it off and quit guilt-tripping and begging for attention. Or she'll sit alone and mope. Either way, it is not your problem. She is in control of her actions, just as you are in control of yours. She can either choose to cherish her time with you and possibly accompany you to other events, or she can choose to be a miserable person and not enjoy life. Totally her call. Not something you should try to fix. Present her with the option and then walk away - don't change your plans to suit her neediness.

As far as how we split up holidays (my parents live in our town and my in-laws live an hour away):

Thanksgiving: appetizers with in-laws, dessert/late night with my parents. We've rotated the actual meal from year to year.

Christmas: Christmas Eve Mass and dinner with my family, then Christmas morning breakfast and gifts with them as well. Christmas dinner with the in-laws.

Easter: Vigil (night before) or morning Mass and breakfast with my family, dinner with the in-laws.

kellbell1919

EastCoastBride:

Well, on one front, when it comes to holidays- can you invite her to join you all w/ your DH's family?  That would kill 2 birds w/ one stone!

This is more or less what we do.  DH is an only child and his parents are divorced, Dad is remarried and mom is not remarried.  Thanksgiving his Mom comes to my Dad's and we blend families. Christmas DH and I visit all three families separately.

nigelava

Your mom sounds like my MIL. My MIL used to do this same guilt trip to my H AND me...like I really cared if I spent Christmas/Thanksgiving with them in the first place. She used to say, at almost every holiday and to both of us, "You need to spend it with us, what if this is the last time you get to see 'gramma and grampa'?!" WELL, then we'll be sad but life goes on! My H fell for it for two whole years before I told him I was tired of watching him cave into her awful guilt trips. I was also tired of spending Christmas/Thanksgiving at his parents house just to support him when I couldn't keep supporting him if he couldn't even support himself! After that, it was time to split the holidays. So, for a few years, we tried that...his mother still tried to have the whole day. She even started giving incentives, like free plane tickets to fly up north with them for Christmas, or paying for our room on the beach for Thanksgiving...needless to say, we now spend even less time with his family on holidays because of this. And you know what? It did NOT go over well, but they got over it. Your mom will also get over it once she realizes nothing she says will change your mind. Just roll through whatever she throws at you, explain that time needs to be split now (just like she likely did with her own in-laws and you when you were a baby) and eventually she'll either understand or get over it. If she doesn't, just keep reiterating that it's not fair to your baby to never spend holidays with all of his/her family.

Spin313

ReturnOfKuus:

When she lays on the guilt trip, remind her that it's unpleasant for you and therefore causes you to want to see her less.  Unless this is what she wants, she should cut it out.

This!

If she continues, you say "Mom, my schedule is not open for discussion.  'X' is the time that I have availble to visit with you."

britney5603

ughh... the holiday hassel.. i swear some of us should get awards.. haha
 well i understand my parents are divorced and live 3 hours from each other, then we have my H family..
my dads family is his wives immeidate family and they are large, but we dont go otu of our way to be with them. we will do .. christmas with dad and step mom and siblings, then go to husbands parents... we will usually try to go to my moms family which is huge the day before christmas eve and chrstmas eve day..

christmas is the only holiday that we try to make it home for since we live 20 hrs away.. and we have only been home.. 1 in 3 years..  you cant please everyone, its hard.. but. pleasing everyone will only make you  stressed and kinda put a damper on your time with  family..
ask your mom to come along... especially if you are having kids soon its to much work.. we have already told my parents to be ready to spend it in the same house wether they get along or not

 

ChavayJakov

I'm right on the doorstep of facing this myself...from the mother's perspective.  

I lived my entire adult life, including time before I was a parent, limiting myself to only one side of the family: my mother and my grandmother (granddad died when I was younger).  I don't care if it was one of the "big" holiday's or not, anything and everything was "reserved" ala my mother.  When I had kids/ILs it was not such a huge hassel, as my husband's family celebrated Christmas Eve and my family always celebrated Christmas...every other major holiday was up in the air, and it seemed like my mother always tried to wrangle extra time on days that were supposed to be spent with our in-laws.  To my ILs credit, they never ever put pressure/guilt on us about anything...they were glad to see us when they could see us.  

It became so bad, that I resented being present at my folks, resented their "calling dibs" for everything, and resented that we (DH & I) never were able to have complete freedom to celebrate the holidays the way we saw fit.  (It took me a long time to figure out some of the wisdom being shared in this thread about choosing to feel guilty/obligated).    Every year I swore that the next would be different.  The most significant change I made was boycotting my mother's Thanksgiving and subsequently we would decline invitations to ILs for that holiday just so I could have *one* holiday that went according to my own schedule/ideals/planning ...eventually even then I caved and started inviting her over for Thanksgiving.

As I became stronger to choosing not to feeling guilty/obligated she and or my grandmother would be in bad health...and every [fill in the blank holiday] could be their last and it would be a shame if the grandkids couldn't be there.  My brother escaped much of this because his marriage/job took him out of town.  He also dumped them on me much of the time and could wangle away from family to go see friends because I was there, of course.

Now, it is just myself and DH and two adult kids.  No other extended family - my ILs now travel or are otherwise tied up.  My daughter has spent every major holiday for the last year and a half, except for one, with the family of the fellow she'll likely marry.  A big boisterous active family...their holiday family time are usually 20-30 people strong.  Makes our little family of four rather dull.  

The one holiday she was with us we could tell she was trying to be kind but wished she were elsewhere.  We have decided not to guilt her, but I wish our family would be invited to meld ours together - I can see down the road where this is going to be a lonely time of year, and with grandkids I'm sure I'll feel little pangs.  However, I also remember an entire lifetime of having had the chance to have holidays the way I wanted and failed to insist on compromises or to exert what would have made me happy, and I would not ever want my adult-children to look back and regret the same.  I'm taking my ILs model and allowing the kids to make of life what they want, holidays included.