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In-Law advise needed!
I am new to posting so I guess I will just start at the beginning...
My H and I have been married for almost a year. We are very happy and the only thing we ever fight about it his family. My H is very close to his family and would like nothing more than for me to be close to them as well. Here is the problem.
My H's sister lived in our area and she and I got to know each other. I would have gone so far as to say we were friends. When H and I knew this was it he introduced me to the rest of his family. I thought the weekend went well and that everyone seemed nice. I was VERY mistaken. It got out to his family that I was, wait for it... a liberal.
I have never discussed politics with anyone besides my H and he and I agree on a lot of things and have differences of opinions on others that we both respect. Well, I found out that my H and his father got into a huge fight that almost ended in punches over "my people" and how my H was stupid for being with me, how I was stupid, ignorant, etc. He even went so far as to say that H would be disowned for marrying me.
If this wasn't bad enough, every member of his family has since made nasty comments to me about my "politics", which noone has actually asked me anything about. Such details aren't important though, who needs the truth when passing judgement on an other person?!
So fast forward to our engagement half a year later. His 2 sisters are saying nasty things about how I forced H to propose, how I forced him to buy a house, how they don't want to be bridesmaids. I got so stressed out I literally cried to the point of making myself sick on the way to my wedding shower. A shower that my SILs and MIL insisted on throwing even though I am the devil and I didn't want it. His one sister wouldn't speak to me except for saying really nasty comments our entire 10 month engagement.
I thought once the wedding was over all the drama would stop. I was wrong. They are still nasty to me except now more sneaky about it. We will have a nice day and then one of them will make a comment. They don't like that I want to work when we have kids, they still yell at me about my wedding regristry, they make comments about my ring. His parents think it is their right to put themselves in our business. All three of them offer unsolicited opions ALL the time. I have never said anything to them about how I feel. That would just cause more yelling and make me an even bigger b***. Each time I have seem them I have been polite, but kept my mouth shut. Smiling and nodding can only go so far.
The worst part is I work in mental health. I deal with teenagers, girls especially, and run groups on relational aggression. I am almost 30 years old and stuck right where they are at 13/14. Typically, I advise girls to remove these types of people from their lives and focus on the positive relationships they have. However, how can I do that when they are my H's family? I teach children to stand up for themselves and their personal rights, but I can't do the same for myself.
My H is amazing and listens when I vent. He says he will always have my back and defend me. However, he wants me to suck it up and just deal with them because they are his family. He doesn't think it is fair that he likes my family and I don't like his. I have told him I don't know how much more I can take. I don't want them to be a part of my life, but how is that fair to my H?
I need advise. I don't know what to do. I get really stressed when I think about the family we are planning becasue I do not want these people around our future children. I don't want them thinking that it is appropriate to treat people this way.
Re: In-Law advise needed!
If they're nasty to you, then why do you still spend time with them? Yeah, yeah, your husband wants you to, but people in hell want ice water. Why are you spending time with nasty assh*les, and why is your husband pushing you to spend time with nasty assh*les?
Forget about what's fair to your husband, since he isn't thinking about what's fair to you. Do you think it's okay for you to be subjected to this, regularly and repeatedly?
If the only true cause of this trainwreck was that someone/you mentioned to the in-laws that you have liberal political views ... then they sound like psychopaths and you shoudl stay far, fay away from them.
But honestly I'm finding it hard to believe that these people were sweet to you and then suddenly did a 180 upon hearing you are a liberal. Are you 100% sure you never said anything more than that? Were you lecturing them on political topics? There HAS to be more to the story here. People don't turn into monsters for absolutely no reason.
Whatever happened ... I would REALLY question the value of a husband who still wants a relationship with people who treat you so poorly. He's 100% wrong if he expects you to just suck it up and deal with people who treat you like shiit. It doesn't matter if they're family or not - being a blood relation doesn't give them carte blanche to be so cruel to you. He is supposed to put you before all others, AT ALL TIMES ... not, "I put you before all others, KB, except when it'd be uncomfortable or inconvenient for me to forsake all others."
The two of you need to go see a professional about this, pronto. Otherwise, I would get the hell out of this marriage if he's A-O.K. with his family shiiting all over you. What kind of a life is that? If he isn't willing to step up now and separate the two of you from cruel people, then he's never going to do it, and you're in for a lifetime of unhappiness.
You have allowed this to happen to yourself, you and your H could have stopped it way before you got married, but chose not to.
My H is amazing and listens when I vent. He says he will always have my back and defend me. However, he wants me to suck it up and just deal with them because they are his family. He doesn't think it is fair that he likes my family and I don't like his. I have told him I don't know how much more I can take. I don't want them to be a part of my life, but how is that fair to my H?
Your H is NOT amazing! An amaznig H does not allow his family to treat his wife like this. He does not tell you to suck up the disrespect!! Do you understand that? NOT amazing.
Actually he is an idiot who is acting like a 5 year old. You should like his family even though they disrespect you because he likes you family who treats him with respect? sounds amaznig and mature!
fair to your H? how is being constantly disrespected by his family while he allows it fair to you?
He has a choice, put an end to it, or you are done with them. You also need to stop accpeting this behavior and stand up for yourself.
i could personally never be married to a man who allowed his family to treat me like this and told me to suck it up. not so amazng to me!
Second:
Key word above - he SAYS he'll have your back, but he very very very clearly does not. If he did, then he wouldn't be asking you to suck it up and just deal w/ them. Do you not see how absolutely contrary those two statements are?! He's doing anything BUT defending you.
Actions speak MUCH louder than words, and I would say his action (or inaction in this case) is pretty deafening.
He ain't so amazing, hon!
And he doesn't think it's "fair" that he likes your family and you don't like his? Does your family treat him the way his treats yours?! Throw that back at him. It's not FAIR that his family treats you like crap....
I too would be seriously rethinking this marriage, and DO NOT have children w/ him until this is resolved, IF it can be resolved.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm glad he has your back but he needs to be willing to confront them too. I don't think this is only about politics... if it is you might need to accidentally start leaving the cards of good Marriage and family therapist around their home.
What happens when they are saying this nasty stuff, does he hear? does he react? Is his family able to communicate with out it always being a fight? (if the answer to the last one is no, there could be a much bigger issue with his family just not knowing how to communicate, period.)
Ask your husband if he thinks it's fair that your family consists of decent people who treat him with respect and his family consists of _assholes. His comment about fairness is honestly one of the douchiest things I've heard in my entire life. That he would expect the woman he loves, and whom he is supposed to place above all others in his life, to accept being treated that way is disgusting.
Yes, you absolutely can remove these people from your life. Since you're a grown woman you have infinitely more power to do that than the 13-year-olds you counsel to do the same. Stop using "But they're faaaamily" as an excuse and stand up for yourself. You'll still be married to a _dick, but at least you won't have to deal with his family anymore.
And there, my dear, is your problem.
If your husband was so amazing and had your back, he would not only refuse to subject you to people who are outright nasty to you - he wouldn't want to associate with people who are so disrespectful to you (and him by proxy).
And he's complaining that it's not "fair" that you don't like his family when he likes yours? Did you marry a 10 year old?
I wouldn't stay married to someone who told me to "suck it up" and subject myself to the company of people who were hostile and rude to me. I'm not sure that I'd even stay married to someone who tolerated people badmouthing me to him on a regular basis. In short, your husband has chosen his awful family over you - do you really want to stay with someone who puts you in second place?
Telling you to suck it up and deal with them is not having your back. It is being a freaking coward. He is telling you to accept being treated like crap. This is nonsense thinking since he likes your family you are obligated to like people who are awful to you. Does your family treat him in the same manner?
Please, take the advice you would give those teenagers and stand up for yourself. Clearly it cannot make the situation worse by letting this continue without defending yourself. Do not have children with this man unless you plan on having them being subjected to watching their mother be talked to like dirt. They will be around to influence your child and they will think it is fine to voice all opinions. Meanwhile, your DH will be standing with his finger up his ass allowing it, with your blessing.
How do you know? if you've never stood up to any of these folks who's being a bully to you, then how do you know it would make things worse?
It's okay to be a b!tch.
Being a doormat isn't working for you.
Your husband is NOT amazing and is not sticking up for you.
I had inlaw problems too about a year after we got married. His dad couldnt handled the fact that we don't need them to tell us what to do as adults. We weren't living how he thought we should. Of course, it was all my fault bc my husband should wear the pants in the relationship, and I shouldn't have a say in any decisions that are made. Needless to say MY HUSBAND stood up for me the only time we see/deal with his parents at all anymore is on Holidays.
You should be your husbands first priority now, not them.
Your husband doesn't understand the concept of fairness.
Fair does not mean "absolutely and totally equal in all ways at all times under all circumstances." Your families are different, your families treat you differently, and your relationships with each respective extended family will be different.
If he understood fairness, he wouldn't submit his wife to ill treatment from his family. If he were truly amazing and had your back, he'd call them up and say, "Sorry, guys, but until you can treat my wife with a modicum of respect, you won't be seeing either one of us."
This is the most important advice anyone could give you and I hope you take it seriously.
Your H's family only treats you badly and disrespects you because your H ALLOWS THEM TO. If they realized that he wouldnt tolerate it- they would knock it off if they want him in their life. If he's not willing to make this change, I'd be making an appt with a divorce attorney. It may be the only "problem" you have, but its certainly an EXTREMELY important one. Stand up for yourself to your H and put a stop to this problem. It IS solvable, it just may not be the solution your hoping for.
You are not a 13/14 yo girl. There are other options besides sucking it up and outright estrangement - both of which are infantile first-time responses.
Use your voice.
You do not have to spend time around them very much. You can find ways to be busy and keep it to holidays, seriously. You need to realize that this is a going be something that you're probably going to have to deal with on some level for the long haul, so you need to set boundaries now. Sit down with your H and his parents and try to have a talk, or, write a letter to them. Whatever you think gets the point across best. They in no way have a right to make you feel inferior for being you.
Definitely step up to the plate, make it clear that you won't take it. Sure, you may seem like a b*tch to them, but what you are to any normal, non-old-school person is assertive.
And, I don't necessarily agree with the pps that state that your husband should be talking to them. Tell your husband what you're going to say or have him there when you say it. You're allowed to tell them to back off.
Your husband is ok with his family abusing you? That is not so amazing. Its time to step back and look at the big picture here. Your DH does not have your back, and needs to start supporting you, and needs to tell them to stop the abuse or they won?t be seeing you anymore. Personally, I think you need to cut these people out of your lives, will your DH go along with that?
Ask your husband to speak up to them on your behalf the next time they do something mean. Discuss family events with your H before they occur and come up with a strategy to deal with them. If H is unwilling or unable to do this, I would suggest counseling maybe that will help him understand the situation. Limit your interaction with them. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself in a firm but polite way. Obviously what you are doing now (smiling and nodding) isn't working. Both yours and Dh's actions are saying that what they are doing is OK, and you need to set boundaries and say it is not OK.
Stop debating and telling them about your life. You don't have kids, so why are you discussing with them whether you will work or not when you have kids? It's none of their business. They bring up the wedding registry, say that was in the past, say you don't want to discuss it. If they push the issue get up and leave. They bring up your ring, say I'm sorry you feel that way. Say I've heard your opinion before, please don't bring it up again. If they push the issue, get up and leave. rinse and repeat.
I am in much of the same situation.
I vent a lot to my mom, who has been the victim of my evil MIL. We laugh and sigh a lot about them. While I always say that my family puts the "fun" in dysfunctional, my H family is really pathetic.
I am not a fake person either. It is really hard and makes me mad that I have to be put through this. I wish I had known how bad they were before we were married, but it got really bad afterwards, and I'm not going to divorce my H over them...that would give them too much satisfaction, and besides I so love him.
What has worked for me is just to stay away as much as possible. My H takes the kids over every weekend for a visit. I don't usually go. I see them at holidays and a few other times a year. I also pray a lot that they move to CA (we live in PA) b/c we couldn't afford to ever go there. I also have a very little house so they could never stay with us.
Don't let them get between you and your husband...my in-laws would like nothing better than for us to get divorced...keep loving him and stay strong, that is the greatest revenge you can have on them.