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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Jealous MIL - help!
My husband and his mother got into a big argument last night, that ended in her texting him with a message saying, "I don't feel like I can believe what you say anymore."
The situation: My family has been struggling with some issues, my parents were trying to get away for the weekend for a breather, to help them out, my husband and I agreed to house-sit and stay with my brother. My husband didn't tell his mom he was staying the night at my parent's house last night, attempting to avoid any issue with jealousy on her part. I was unaware that jealousy still existed to the extent that it has in the past. I had posted on my facebook, unaware that he hadn't told her, "First night sleeping alone since wedding day" and she called him after seeing it.
It ended up turning into a big argument between she and my husband, she feels like my husband and I spend more time with my family then her. I believe that we have tried hard in the small amount of time we've been married, to spend time equally (knowing that this has been an issue in the past). I hate that it comes down to a time tally. Right now, we have spent a few more visits with my parents in the last 2-3 weeks because of all the struggles my family is having. I'm frustrated because the argument hurt my husband and I don't know how to make the situation any better. I don't feel like he needs to tell her every time we go somewhere, or spend time with someone. I don't feel like he should be apologetic for who he spends time with. I would understand if we were spending a ton of time with my family and not making any effort, but we have. We spent some time with her at a cottage a few weeks ago, we're camping for 4 days with her a week from now, I worked as hard as I could to get out of work earlier a week ago, to make it to an important event, and she appreciated it at that moment, but then it comes back in our face in an argument. My husband feels like I shouldn't stress about it because it's between he and my MIL, but I do stress, he is my husband, I love and care about him, ALL of him, mentally, physically, and emotionally. When he is hurting, I feel it. I am at a loss of how to help. He has expressed that he doesn't want me to say anything. My husband would do anything for his mom (dad isn't in the picture). She has been a priority in his life, it's sad that it comes down to this. At the end of the night, he attempted to call her back to make amends, but she wouldn't answer his calls and responded with the text, "I don't feel like I can believe you anymore."
I don't want to vent to family or friends, I'd rather not dirty any emotions or feelings towards my MIL. Anyone have advice or help?
Thank you,
Newlywed of 4 months 
Re: Jealous MIL - help!
First off, congrats on your recent marriage!
How much time is spent with each set of parents is a problem I presume many newly married couples experience. My DH and I have been married two years and his parents still have issues. His mother (my MIL) sounds like yours - very tit-for-tat when it comes to time.
The tough piece to do is to not internalize the struggle. If you and your husband are doing the best you can to have even time with each side (and it sounds like you do) and your MIL is still crabby, then it's time to take a deep breath and not let it get to you. Fairly common phrase from me to DH when his Mom is being hinky - "we are not responsible for your mother's emotions". Meaning, if we are being totally reasonable and reaching a compromise with her emotions in mind and she still gets bent - so be it. There is only so much we can do and there is a point at which if his Mother wants to play the victim then she's welcome to - we just have to find a way to not let it impact us individually and as a couple. Super hard, especially at first. But it gets easier.
My husband told me recently that my MIL always told him growing up "when a daughter gets married you gain a son, when a son gets married you lose a son." Not quite the adage I've heard before, but it gives perspective. Perhaps your MIL feels like she is "losing" her son.
The good news in your post is that your husband seems to be taking control of the issue. I understand you wanting to support him - in this case I would ask him how he wants to be supported. The jealousy issue may recede with time - right after the wedding can be a very emotional time for everyone, particularly family.
Good luck and as my Mother says, "Don't let the turkeys get you down" - followed by my Father's addition, "and they're all turkeys". Or my other favorite quote, "this too shall pass".
First off, take your full name out of your signature. Someone could EASILY find this and send it to your MIL if they wanted to. Stay anonymous on the Internet.
Second, stay out of it as much as you can. Let your husband deal with his mother. Definitely do not vent to your family members or friends, because it will only come back to bite you in the _ass.
I would also consider setting your Facebook pages so that MIL can't see your news feed. Or just stop posting needless or cryptic "Vaguebook" things like the sleeping alone comment.
Regarding MIL ... if you're truly spending time with her, and she's still biitching and moaning when you spend time with your family, and if she's telling your H over texts that she doesn't trust him anymore (just because he house-sat for your folks) ... well, she sounds like a pathetic, dramatic baby who just wants attention. And she makes your husband feel bad on purpose so that he'll come crawling back to her to beg for forgiveness. She's incredibly needy and selfish, and the LAST thing you should do is feed into that by explaining or apologizing to her.
You are correct that the two of you don't need to tally your time with her vs. your family, and that your H doesn't need to get her permission to spend time with other people. He simply needs to say, "Mom, we will spend time with you on [date]," end of story. If she starts screaming that this isn't enough time, or that he's wrong in spending time with your family or other people, your H needs to reply, "Sorry you feel that way, Mom, but we are splitting our time evenly between everyone. If you'd rather we didn't come see you on [date], we understand." Then he needs to end the conversation.
He needs to stop bargaining with her and groveling for her forgiveness. He needs to say, basically, "This is how it's going to be and you can either accept it or not see us." Then he needs to hang up or leave her house if she argues. Lather, rinse, repeat. She will get the message once she sees that he won't let her boss him around.
Look she has obviously learned that when she throws dramatic fits, you guys bend over backwards to make her happy as evidenced by all the extra visits, trying to taking time off work and now by the fact that your husband called her back to make amends. Stop giving into her temper tantrums. Just like a toddler, she is learning that behaving badly will get her what she wants, so she will keep doing it. Again, just like toddlers, the way to handle this it to ignore the hysterics and stay firm.
Any reasonable person would realize that you guys aren't a commodity that is in short supply and that at this time your family need some extra time and attention. The fact that she isn't trying her best to make sure you guys are doing all you can for your parents and brother shows her self centeredness.
As far as your husband is concerned. Just keep reminding him of what a great husband he is, how much you love and are proud of him and mostly how he isn't doing anything wrong. His mom is the one in the wrong here and the worst precedent you guys can set right now is trying to appease her and her selfish behavior.
Here's the thing, his mom can feel anyway she wants to. She can tally, and add-up and cross-reference facebook posts, track her son's movements and then decided that she's getting jilted or the short-end of the visiting stick.
Okay.
Really, it's okay. If she's miserable, its not your job to ifx it. Shocking, I know!
And its certainly not your job to "even out" visits to prevent her from feeling glum. Aha!
I know it seems like it is becuase she's complaining to her son about it and making his fault. But he doesn't have to take that on. It is completely appropriate to say, "Yes mom, I hear that our schedule upsets you, but this is what's best for us right now. We're looking froward to camping with you." And then stop talking abou it. Really, the more explaining you do - as in everything you wrote in your post - won't make her feel better, it will just make her talk about it more and complain more.
And smartly, he isn't making it your problem. So, don't go looking to fix his mom's hurt feelings as an excuse of loving her DH so completely. Love him enough to let him manage his relationship with his mom without you inserting yourself.
And delete her from your FB feeds right now. She's overly monitoring your lives and schedule and it's upsetting everyone. No need to give her so much information to pick apart. And I'd drop her from your feed right now. While the fight and hard feelings are fresh. Simply say, "I never meant for a simple post to cause so many hard feelings. I don't want to make that mistake again."
As for her complaint about not believing him anymore, he shoudl REALLY say that the constant score keeping and scrutinty BY HER has caused him to want to discuss less about his life and whearabouts. It's simply unreasonable to expect someone to added-up days/hours at his inlaws and expect him to to be transparent about all of his plans. Afterall, it's not his job to report to her.
First - stop posting things like that on the FB.
Second - take your full name off your post.
Third - do what your husband has asked and stay out of this round.
This sounds like my MIL. She is very jealous when we spend time with my family. (not an issue any more as we moved away from the town we both grow up in) FIL doesn't get along with his family so it is all about MIL's side of the family. So MIL gets jealous when SIL hangs out with her husbands family, and when H and I hang out with my family!
MIL even went as far as "celebrating" by inviting her whole family over for dinner last time we were in town. (we went to town when my Grandpa's funeral). We did stay with MIL as my parents don't have room at their house. MIL was very upset that we only have 4 days in town and we only had time to be with her family for 1 evening out of the whole trip. (We only could get 4 days off of work and had to travel 16 hours each way, as we couldn't afford to fly, this ate up a lot of time)
You may just have to get use to it.
THIS.